I’m back. Sorry about last week. My MacBook took a really expensive bath in the rain. But, she’s healthy now. So let’s get back to the train-wreck
that is The Bachelorette, shall we?
Love is a Battlefield
Balls are flying on the group date when Des brings the boys to
meet the National Dodgeball Team. I
think we couch-sitting Americans were supposed to be impressed by these gym
class heroes gripping red rubber dodge balls. But we certainly weren’t. I think
the producers caught on to our boredom because they decided the bachelor boys
should really be throwing balls at each other. Duh.
I was scared for Drew in this Dodge Ball battle. Kid looks like he’s more suited for broom flying around a
quidditch match than having a giant ball thrown at his face. Sadly, Brooks,
the guy who looks like he would rufi your sister if you left him alone with
her, severed his fingers in the beginning of the third round. Blue team
prevails but Des decided to bring everybody to the “after party” anyway.
Brad is psyched to tell Desiree about his “haunted” past.
Dude, are you serious? This guy should just carry around a red flag in his
pocket and hand it to girls he meets.
I’m sorry, but this dude is a little light in the loafers. Also, is it
just me or are all these dudes either meatheads or metrosexuals? Chris gets the group date rose which means
they get a private concert where they can awkwardly slow dance in the sliver of
grass behind the Intercontinental Hotel. Yay?
Before we get to the one-on-one date, Brian’s real life
white trash girlfriend shows up to have a meltdown on national television and
break-up the Bachelor party. Party’s over Brian. This set off Brandon, the painting contactor, who had a good cry to the camera about the guys that broke his mom's heart and then hit the road. Sad story, but get it together buddy.
One-on-One with Kasey
Kasey’s like a grown up Justin Bieber except way lamer. The
two strapped on cables and went dancing on the side of a building. It was
called vanderlooping or something made up.
He kept awkwardly yelling “Oh Jeez” and you can tell Des is totally not
into this dude. Zero chemistry. To make matter worse, after vanderlooping they
get caught in a windstorm on the roof and she jumps in the pool to try to get
away from him. He thinks this means she wants to make out. She even puts a
towel over her head to try and block him. But kid keeps going for it. In the end, for his
persistence, Des gives him a rose anyway. #stupid Remember kids, never go
vanderlooping on a date. It never ends well.
Group Date 2: Looking for her Lone Ranger
Since we’re in Hollywood, they’re bringing out all the stops
– or stunts. The boys get dressed up
Wild West style to learn stunts like saddling up, drawing their pistols (hmm…) fake
fighting and lassoing. You know who
doesn’t look good in Wild West gear? Zak W.
Boy looks like a straight-up creep.
Bryden, the Iraq War veteran, won
in my book. But, Juan Pablo, the former pro
soccer player (meow) ended up winning the Spanish American war and Des’ heart. He got to watch a Disney movie alone in a
barn with Des, he took advantage of the situation and fed her popcorn and stuck
his tongue in her mouth. #signmeup
The "after party" was far more "after school special" than party. These guys were all about talking about their awkward feelings, insecurities and haunted pasts. Des should've handed out maxi pads and Midol to make them all feel better. James even decided to have the "what are we"speech with Desiree during their first conversation. Bold move dude. There's nothing a girl wants to hear more than "do you like me" on the second date. Oddly, his move works in his favor.
