Eat, Pray, Lame

I’m not sure why I did it to myself. I had already read the crap novel. They just had to play that gosh darn Florence and the Machine song in the movie trailer. Before you could say the Dog Days are over, I went around telling people that I was going to see Eat, Pray, Love “for the scenery” or because “Javier Bardem is so hot.” Honestly, I’m a phony. I really just wanted to see it because I’m a sheep. Bahhhhh. I knew everyone would be talking, blogging and complaining about it and I wanted to join in the conversation.

It was just as I suspected - as lame as the book.

Here’s my recap:

Part 1: Wah, wah, wah! My job is unfulfilling! Being married isn’t like riding unicorns through the clouds! Having a house is lame. Blah, blah, blah. I’m putting my life in a storage bin and going on a trip.

Part 2: Italy - I’m going to eat gelato on a bench, swirl spaghetti in Rome, gain 10 pounds and read the newspaper on a Sunday! All alone!

Part 3: Made it to India - scrubbin a few floors, meeting a dude from Texas, gonna strike a few yoga poses,  meditate at 4 a.m. and walk around aimlessly until my flight to Bali takes off.

Part 4: Bali - Buy the Balinese medicine woman a house with all of my rich city friend’s donations. Find love with a super sensitive, super hot Brazilian divorcee.

The End

Let me ask this, why Julia Roberts? I found myself wondering, “why doesn’t Julia just take the train up to Lake Como? Doesn’t her wicked good friend George Clooney live there?” Then, “why doesn’t Vivian just go on vacation to see Kit on Hollywood Boulevard, maybe she just needs a girl’s weekend.” Oh, and you want me to believe that Julia Roberts doesn’t care about gaining weight? Come on, give me Renee Zellwegger, or give me someone who may actually gain weight for a role. The book was a best seller and every woman that I know is in the midst of some quarter or mid-life crisis, so it’s not like we needed Julia to get us to the theatre. Stop hogging all the roles Julia, give an unknown a shot.

Namaste.