As I approach the big 3-0 with apprehension, many who have made the leap into their 30s before me have said, “you’re only as young as you feel.” I’ve been thinking about this statement a lot, and decided I completely disagree. I think you’re only as young as the sad poster you have hanging on your wall and the booze bottle decorations in your kitchen.
With a little help from my friends, I came up with a hilarious list of things that may fly in your 20s, but not so much in your thirties. So pour yourself a glass of Beringer White Zinfandel and sit up in your futon, because it’s time to laugh at yourself…
Futons – Does anything good happen on a futon, really? I mean it may seem okay at the moment, but for the most part, any activity going down on this makeshift bed/couch combination with the thin stained mattress is usually pretty grimy. If this cesspool of germs actually follows you from your off-campus apartment to your post-grad pad, the situation becomes even sadder. Same goes for beanbags, flip & folds (we had another name) and papasan chairs.
Pigtails – After 25, you should only be allowed to wear one ponytail, braid, or bun in your hair at a time. After that, you’re trying way too hard, dating yourself and don’t look as cute as you think you do.
This Is How We Do It – No matter how much you love this song, chances are if you’re pushing thirty and bumping the bass in your four-door sedan, you don’t look as cool as you once did. This isn’t how we do it anymore.
The 2 a.m. take in – If at 30, you’re still hitting the sausage cart at 2:30 a.m., ordering late night delivery or hitting the McDonalds 24-hour drive thru on your way home, I have a few questions for you:
• Why are you still going out in Faneuil Hall?
• Who actually delivers at 3 a.m.? Might be time to leave your college town.
• And to the guy hitting the drive-thru, who was your designated driver?
Leaving the house without a coat –I can’t even believe how many times I waited in line outside a crappy bar without a jacket during one of New England’s winter months. If my memory serves me correctly, one January evening I even stood in line to get into a club sans jacket on Montreal’s Saint Catherine Street. I stood there for an hour dressed in nothing but a backless tank top and black “going out” pants. No way was I going to be super lame and wear a jacket or waste $2 on checking my coat!
“Decorations” - Why recycle your empty Carlo Rossi jugs of wine when you can use them as beautiful apartment decorations? Or better yet, what about those gorgeous Smirnoff & Absolut bottles? The Goldschlagger bottle was one of my personal favorites. Nothing made this bogus booze sparkle more than a blacklight. Or how about those awesome posters you’d cover your walls with: “Guinness, My Goodness!”, the weird smiley face posters, the reprinted “art” (Edvard Munch’s “The Scream” anyone?), and, of course, Fenway Park.
Jungle Juice – I remember dunking a red solo cup into a bathtub full of “party punch” on a number of occasions. Since I’m still standing, I’m guessing the grain alcohol that the host drove out of state to purchase was so potent it probably killed off all the soap scum.
Things not to do at a bar after 30:
• Make out
• Throw up
• Leave your credit card/forget to close out your tab
• Fight with the bouncer
• Show up on a party bus
• Wait in line
Funny at 22, somewhat sad at 32:
• The Walk of Shame
• Wet hair at work
• Keg stands
• Belly button rings
• Easy Mac/Ramen noodles for dinner
• Having your parents do your taxes
• Bringing your laundry home
• Living with your parents
• Bounced checks and overdraft fees
• Buying booze for minors or attending parties with underage drinkers
• Shopping at Abercrombie & Fitch, American Eagle, Charlotte Russe & Bebe
I am, of course, guilty of many of the aforementioned on a weekly basis, but I’m working on improving in my 30s. If I missed anything, be sure to post in the comments below.