If there’s one thing I got from the most recent inspirational list, it’s that people LOVE these freaking lists! They love the posters, the motivational life sayings set to music, the inspirational quotations put on magnets, and they LOVE books with chickens on them written for whatever life stage you happen to be living.
Now, I’m not going to sit here and pretend that I didn’t blast Baz Luhrmann’s Everybody's Free (To Wear Sunscreen) in the summer of ’99, or that I didn’t think ALL I REALLY NEED TO KNOW I LEARNED IN KINDERGARTEN was the coolest thing I had ever read at some point in my life. I’m just kind of sick of these vague lists. I’d prefer more specifics, fewer generalizations and less preaching. I guess it’s no big surprise I’m a little more of a realist. So, instead of babbling any further, I’m taking a sip from my half-empty water glass and making my own list of real life tips:
- Stop lying to your dental hygienist about flossing every day, the woman is not a fool.
- Stop driving around with your gas light on, I know it feels like a real thrill when you drive for 30 miles on empty, but it really stresses out the other people in your car.
- Stop complaining about your job. Everybody’s job sucks. Join the club; they all meet at the bar at 5:00.
- Stop going to bed so late. The only thing you’re missing is a REM cycle.
- Stop holding on to old one socks. You’re never going to find the match.
- Stop buying lunch. Would it kill you to pack a freaking lunch every once in awhile? God forbid you don’t have a gourmet sandwich or fancy salad one day for lunch. You’ll be fine, and it’ll take 5 minutes.
- Stop dancing in public. Whoever said, “dance like no one is watching” is probably a good dancer and doesn’t understand. And, if you think no one is watching you, you’re dead wrong. There’s a good chance the entire room is watching you Napoleon Dynamite your way through Party Rock Anthem at the bar, wedding, party or cardio groove class you’re embarrassing yourself at.
- Stop drinking more than two vodka, gin or tequila drinks when you go out. You’re only going to have a headache, cry in a corner or pick a fight with someone.
- Stop the madness. Tell someone off. Sometimes people deserve it. There are a lot of jerks out there.
- Stop looking for an award. They don’t give out awards for doing your Christmas shopping early or for ending your work year with all your vacation & sick days, so stop trying to earn one.
- Stop the lies. For the most part; we know you’re not really sick, so please, spare us the manufactured sob story.
- Stop being a runny-nosed martyr. If you really are sick, go to the doctor and stop hacking all over the people you work with.
- Stop hanging on to those jeans. They’re not going to fit you again.
- Stop stopping at the cart. Nothing that’s sold at a cart in the middle of the mall is worth buying. Not even those magical minerals from the dead sea and the slippers that look like high top sneakers
- Stop denying the real reason you’re running a marathon. The jig is up.
- Stop feeling bad about watching Teen Mom . The show is awesome.
- Stop thinking about whether or not you should get up for someone on the T – you know you’re going to prolong thinking about this until one of you gets off anyway.
- Stop pretending you’re going to fulfill your New Year’s resolutions
- Stop believing you are really saving so much money when you go to stores like Kohls, Target & TJ Maxx. Do you really think you saved money when you spent $135 and all you purchased were sweatpants and 2 pairs of socks?
And, I’m not going to lie, I kinda love that Baz Luhrmann video.