Twi-Luxe: ‘Breaking Down’ the lush Vampire Life

Warning: I’m no Twi-Hard, and no, I didn’t read the books. In the words of Jim Gaffigan, “you know what I enjoyed about the movie? NO READING! Only took 2 hours and then I could take a nap." I’ve seen all the Twilight movies a few times, and I have a loose grasp on the tale. However, I do not claim to be any sort of vampire folklore expert or superfan. In my opinion, the only thing better than the breathy vampire love in these movies, is the posh product placement.

Forget M&M’s and Diet Coke, this isn’t a 90’s sitcom. The product placement in the Twilight movies is as cool and understated as the Cullens are classy. From Belstaff leather jackets to Carolina Herrera gowns, the folks from Forks are rather ritzy. I guess these vampires figure if they’re going to live forever, they might as well live the luxe life.

I mean, I get it. If the guy I was dating drove a sexy Volvo S60 and lived in a house that looked like Frank Lloyd Wright designed it, I wouldn’t care that he’s a vampire. Complete non-issue. Wait, what’s that you say Edward? As long as I let you turn me into a vampire, we can take our honeymoon on a private island in Brazil? Sure, whatever, bite me, let’s get it over with already.


Brics.it

Instead of focusing on the amazing honeymoon adventure that Edward was taking Bella on, all I could focus on was their mighty fine Bric’s luggage set. I drooled over the classic set in the back of their lovely car, and in the Brazilian cigarette boat, and at the foot of their Anichini linen swathed Honeymoon suite bed. Oh, why didn’t I buy a piece of Bric’s luggage when it was on Gilt Groupe last week?

And, how about the shoes?

NeimanMarcus.com

Bella is nothing but a hoodie wearing grub! She is completely undeserving of the $1,295 (you can buy em’ at Neiman Marcus) Manolo Blahnik white satin pumps she was gifted! To make matters even worse, we had to watch her scuff about the lovely cedar deck in her (J. Brand) jeans and further prove her unworthiness of the beautiful shoes.



The "Bella Swan" replica dress by Alfred Angelo is on sale for $799 - much less than the $30,000 Carolina Herrera couture gown the "real" Bella Swan wore in Breaking Dawn.



And, don’t even get me started on the dress. Carolina freaking Herrera. I imagine Ms. Swan’s dress buying experience was a bit different from mine. I know the Cullen clan wouldn’t be down with Bella fighting trashy Dunkin Donuts coffee clutching brides for a chance to buy an irregular Vera Wang sample dress. 

Oh, why didn’t I marry into a proper vampire family?

A Commuting Cast of Characters

What’s the only thing worse than working every day? Why, getting there of course! Can you honestly think of one thing your co-workers and friends complain about more than their commute? I certainly can’t. Since I tend to find humor in most situations, I find a lot of humor in public transportation and the wide array of individuals with whom we must share the train, bus, boat and rail systems. After consulting some friends and long-time commuters, I’ve compiled a list of the cast of characters that make up your daily commute:

The too cool to hold on guy – Ain’t no stainless steel pole gonna hold down this guy. This subway surfer thinks his uncanny sense of balance is going to transcend the twists and turns of the underground rail system.

The lady trying to buy a bus ticket home – She’s not going home, she’s going straight to her drug dealer’s house to buy drugs with your money. Don’t be an idiot.

The sleeper – Is this sound asleep commuter a pro at waking up right before their train stop, or are they about to enter the REM cycle and sleep their way right to the last stop? The sleeper often wakes up to an empty train in a town far-away from home.

The commuting like it’s 1985 commuter - This creature of routine hasn’t changed up his commuting game for three decades. Instead of reading the news on a Smartphone, they lug in three papers, opening, crinkling and hitting fellow passengers in the face with their broadsheets, while spilling coffee out of their ancient travel mug.

The backpacker – Is this kid going to work or leaving for a month long European expedition? It sure feels like a month’s worth of clothes when his backpack smashes you in the face four times. Of course, the oblivious bonehead has no idea he’s taking out heads and knocking innocent commuters in the nose with every slight turn of his body.

The risk taker – The risk taker cheats death daily by way of the third rail with their daredevil style of walking far too close to the yellow line.

The Crazy Homeless Person – Being homeless isn’t funny, but they sure do some funny shiz! A few of my roommates had epic crazy homeless person commuting stories. My favorite: “The train had no A/C, it was mid-August and a homeless man on my train stripped down to his boxers while singing an “original song” about “drugs & alcohol” and then laid on the floor and started grabbing people’s feet.”

The Seat Runner - This guy laughs in the face of pregnant women looking for a seat. The guy/gal will run anyone over, pushing the handicapped and elderly out of the way for a seat.

The inappropriate cell-phone conversationalist – “Yeah, the rash is really bad.” This idiot thinks they’re wearing an invisible cloak when they have a cell phone to their ear. This inappropriate talker shares deep dark secrets with a captive audience of 60 silent commuters day after day. My favorite: The girl who chose to call Jet Blue customer service and rip them a new one on the 93 bus. The obnoxious woman was apparently the only person in Boston inconvenienced by a recent snowstorm. We listened to her verbally abuse the customer service rep continuously for 30-minutes. The one-sided conversation eventually led to my soft-spoken husband standing up and screaming an expletive at her.

The Talker - You don't know this person. You don't care to know this person. You go out of your way to ignore this person yet he/she will make every attempt to talk to someone, anyone who will listen. It may start with a look that says, "Can you believe how crowded this train is?" Don’t make eye contact. The talker will quickly delve into a one-sided conversation you will not be prepared to endure. Be on “Talker alert” during train delays and peak ridership events.

The Marathon Stair Climber – This train station-athlete owns the escalator, and he’s going to beat you to work - even if it means scaling the stairs of the longest escalator in town. Better move over to the right, fast, because this train station superstar is about to blow past you – and feel really good about themselves for doing it.

The Sniffler - Spring pollen, summer air conditioning, fall leaf mold, winter colds - this guy always sniffs and sneezes, and blows his nose...on you. Some may even pull out their CLOTH HANKIE, making the entire situation grosser than usual.

The Sports Fan – This person went to the Red Sox game today and they want you to know it! The Sports Fan is usually accompanied by a few frat boy type friends and drunk on draft beer. Depending on his level of inebriation, he may try to strike up a group sing-along of Sweet Caroline.

The Seat hog – This commuter rail rider sits in the three-seater and blocks the middle seat with his bag. The seat hog will not make eye contact when new riders come in at each stop. The train may be full every day, but this bold seat blocker thinks today is going to be the lucky day he’ll bask in two-seated bliss.

The First in line – You know this character, there she is everyday waiting at the end of the platform and running along the train as it arrives so she can be the first one on. This woman also thinks she knows exactly where the train doors will fall and will stands right in front of them and not let others off.

High School Harry – You went to high school with this commuter and you may have even been friends with them. Fast forward to 2011 and you pretend not to see this person and never exchange pleasantries.

The guy who just got out of jail and is trying to do the right thing – He usually gets on the train and yells out something like, “Excuse me ladies and gentleman, could I please have your attention for just a few seconds?” After he has everyone’s attention, he’ll blabber on about just getting out of jail and looking for a job, therefore thinking you should be proud of him, and your dollar will help him reach the next destination: applying for a job. It’s not all lies, he probably did just get out of jail. But, chances are he’ll be right back in the clink after he uses your money to buy drugs.

A special thanks to Dan, Jen, Cara, Chris, Maci and Lauren for sharing their epic commuting observations.

Be sure to post about the characters we missed in the comments section below.

Nothing says Happy Birthday like Mickey Mouse & Unicorns

My mom was green before it was cool.  Though sometimes it teetered on the packrat/hoarders line, for the most part she tried to waste as little as possible in life. A few of her favorite eco-friendly activities include: rinsing out plastic sandwich bags, reusing Christmas cards (see earlier blog post) and saving scraps of wrapping paper. 

In my childhood home, we have a Rubbermaid bin in the hall closet jam packed with wrapping paper only big enough to wrap diamond rings, packs of cards and number 2 pencils.  For decades we’ve mercilessly teased my mom about her penchant for saving crushed bows, frayed ribbon and crumpled Mickey Mouse wrapping paper.  But this year, she showed us.

So what if the Mickey on a cloud wrapping paper was meant for a baby shower?  It wraps up Amber's flat screen TV like a charm.

Nothing says Happy 27th Birthday like Sponge Bob Squarepants and shitty balloons.  

Surprise! The Kardashian Kollection for Sears doesn't suck

The Kardashian Kollection ad campaign was shot by Annie Leibovitz. I'm not kidding.

You’re silently judging me right now aren’t you? Stop it.   I get it; Sears isn’t a popular place with my crowd.  Well, stop being such a poser, because if you’re within three degrees of me, chances are that you weren’t hopping on the school bus clad in brand name blue jeans.  We all have memories of Sears, whether it was buying back-to-school clothes as a child, or dying of embarrassment as a teenager while sitting in the waiting room of the Sears Tire Center with your mother.

Anyway, so the Kardashian Kollection hit Sears stores recently.  Since I’m a frequent visitor to the Sears parking garage at the mall, (is there anywhere else to park?) I decided to peruse the Kardashian Kollection.  Yes, you read that correctly, they’re spelling “collection” with a  “K”.  Kris, Kim, Kourtney, Khloe, Kendall & Kylie just love them K’s!

As expected, the “Kollection” is heavy on animal prints, sequins, bustiers, hooker heels, lycra leggings and padded bras.  Some have referred to the line as the “Peg Bundy collection,” and while I appreciate the clever 80’s humor, I have to say, it’s not that bad.  Don’t get me wrong, this ain't no Missoni for Target, but a few Kardashian pieces might even class up a few of the Jersey Shore girls’ closets.  

I'd wear the short sequined jacket, wouldn't you?

Clearly, the Rachel Zoe Project's Jeremiah was not consulted on the KK display.

Hey, these girls date NBA players, maybe we should take a page from their bedroom book.

Christina Applegate dons a Kardashian Kollection inspired halter dress in Don't Tell Mom the Babysitter's Dead.

So next time you’re in the market for a power tool or Scott Disick approved lingerie, why not consider swinging by your local Sears.

Things that won't fly in your 30s

As I approach the big 3-0 with apprehension, many who have made the leap into their 30s before me have said, “you’re only as young as you feel.” I’ve been thinking about this statement a lot, and decided I completely disagree. I think you’re only as young as the sad poster you have hanging on your wall and the booze bottle decorations in your kitchen.

With a little help from my friends, I came up with a hilarious list of things that may fly in your 20s, but not so much in your thirties. So pour yourself a glass of Beringer White Zinfandel and sit up in your futon, because it’s time to laugh at yourself…

Futons – Does anything good happen on a futon, really? I mean it may seem okay at the moment, but for the most part, any activity going down on this makeshift bed/couch combination with the thin stained mattress is usually pretty grimy. If this cesspool of germs actually follows you from your off-campus apartment to your post-grad pad, the situation becomes even sadder. Same goes for beanbags, flip & folds (we had another name) and papasan chairs.

Pigtails – After 25, you should only be allowed to wear one ponytail, braid, or bun in your hair at a time. After that, you’re trying way too hard, dating yourself and don’t look as cute as you think you do.

This Is How We Do It – No matter how much you love this song, chances are if you’re pushing thirty and bumping the bass in your four-door sedan, you don’t look as cool as you once did. This isn’t how we do it anymore.

The 2 a.m. take in – If at 30, you’re still hitting the sausage cart at 2:30 a.m., ordering late night delivery or hitting the McDonalds 24-hour drive thru on your way home, I have a few questions for you:


• Why are you still going out in Faneuil Hall?


• Who actually delivers at 3 a.m.? Might be time to leave your college town.


• And to the guy hitting the drive-thru, who was your designated driver?


Leaving the house without a coat –I can’t even believe how many times I waited in line outside a crappy bar without a jacket during one of New England’s winter months. If my memory serves me correctly, one January evening I even stood in line to get into a club sans jacket on Montreal’s Saint Catherine Street. I stood there for an hour dressed in nothing but a backless tank top and black “going out” pants. No way was I going to be super lame and wear a jacket or waste $2 on checking my coat!

“Decorations” - Why recycle your empty Carlo Rossi jugs of wine when you can use them as beautiful apartment decorations? Or better yet, what about those gorgeous Smirnoff & Absolut bottles? The Goldschlagger bottle was one of my personal favorites. Nothing made this bogus booze sparkle more than a blacklight. Or how about those awesome posters you’d cover your walls with: “Guinness, My Goodness!”, the weird smiley face posters, the reprinted “art” (Edvard Munch’s “The Scream” anyone?), and, of course, Fenway Park.

Jungle Juice – I remember dunking a red solo cup into a bathtub full of “party punch” on a number of occasions. Since I’m still standing, I’m guessing the grain alcohol that the host drove out of state to purchase was so potent it probably killed off all the soap scum.


Things not to do at a bar after 30:

• Make out
• Throw up
• Leave your credit card/forget to close out your tab
• Fight with the bouncer
• Show up on a party bus
• Wait in line


Funny at 22, somewhat sad at 32:


• The Walk of Shame
• Wet hair at work
• Keg stands
• Drugs
• Belly button rings
• Easy Mac/Ramen noodles for dinner
• Having your parents do your taxes
• Bringing your laundry home
• Living with your parents
• Bounced checks and overdraft fees
• Buying booze for minors or attending parties with underage drinkers
• Shopping at Abercrombie & Fitch, American Eagle, Charlotte Russe & Bebe

I am, of course, guilty of many of the aforementioned on a weekly basis, but I’m working on improving in my 30s. If I missed anything, be sure to post in the comments below.