Beating a Dead Horse

It’s the hometown dates episode!

Lindzi, who traded her Old Navy dress for some spurs, brings Ben home to introduce him to her horse boyfriends, Black Beauty, Seabiscuit & Mr. Ed. Ben says he’s unfamiliar with horses and never imagined them to be a big part of his life, well buddy, saddle up.

Lindzi talks about her first horse boyfriend and brings Ben on a Chariots of Fire type journey around the ranch.  They sit down for a picnic and Ben shows off his amazing conversation skills.  He keeps remarking on how impressed he is that Lindzi was dumped before.  Buddy, we’ve all been effing dumped, hard.  Lindzi says that she feels vulnerable and admits that vulnerable is also a very big word for her. Makes sense, she's used to words like “horse” “hoof” “mane” and “trot”. 

Just when you thought you’d never see a bigger tool than Ben, we meet Lindzi’s dad Harry.  He challenges Ben to a carriage race – I guess that’s their version of a little one-on-one basketball.  I gotta be honest, Harry seems like that guy in your office you try to avoid at the water cooler. 

Lindzi’s mom says she kept her daughter so busy with cheerleading and horses that Lindz didn’t have much time to date (humans) while Harry bragged about all of Lindzi’s horse and dog siblings. 

Bible Belt Morals

Kacie B. rounds up her old high school marching band and tries to impress Ben with her baton twirling skills.  He says he loved it, but I have to be honest, it seems like he hated it and thought it was weird.  Kacie gives Ben a quick history of her family, who all sound lovely, and Ben looks like he’s looking for a horse to jump on and ride out of there.  Mid-story he sighs and pulls a bottle of booze out of his pocket.  In this moment, Kacie tells Ben that there will definitely not be an open bar at the meeting with her straight edge parents.  My sister Amber reminded me of an apropos Chelsea Handler quote, “There are two types of people I don’t trust: people who don’t drink & people who collect stickers.” 

Ben tells Kacie’s dad about how The Bachelor has helped him talk about his feelings.  Well, this goes over like a lead balloon. Kacie B’s dad doesn’t strike me as a guy that talks about feelings or watches reality television for that matter. In summary: Kacie B.’s family basically sabotage the entire show for Kacie by scaring the shiz out of Ben during his night at their dry campus. 

Can you imagine the fight that ensued at casa de Kacie as soon as the cameras stopped rolling?

Fort Worth Fiasco

Nikki, the dental hygienist, welcomes Ben to Fort Worth, TX.  She immediately outfits him in a cowboy boots, a belt and a hat.  I just wanted to rip his greasy hair and push it under the hat.  If you happen to be turned on by guys in cowboy hats, you should really fast forward through Nikki’s hometown date, Ben is going to ruin it for you. 

Nikki’s parents look exactly like Kacie B.’s parents but they seem way nicer.  They’re so happy for her and supportive.  Thank god she’s not going to win the show.  We don’t need reality television to ruin this nice little family. 

Scrumpets in Scottsdale

Courtney introduces Ben to her fake family that she hired for this episode.  She says it’s a big deal for her to bring a guy home. Makes sense, it’s usually the other way around; guys bring her home every night. 

Court’s dad, who is wearing an argyle sweater in the desert and resembles Bob Barker, tries to talk tough with Ben. While Court’s mom, who’s no stranger to the botox needle seems a little skeptical about Big Ben, but plays nice for the camera.  After they leave the movie set, Ben & Court recite vows (hers plagiarized from a Sex & The City episode) at some sort of fake wedding ceremony which Courtney organized during her time off from her stay at McLean hospital.

Result: Kacie B. is sent home so Ben doesn't have to feel weird about pressuring her to go past second base next episode.  See you in Europe next week!