Blogging the Bachelor: Human Shark Chum

I googled "spring break shark attack" to get this awesome image.

Ugh, is it Monday already?

This week, Benny brings the 6 babes to Belize!   The 4 lucky gals that make it through the harrowing week will get to bring Ben home to mom and dad.  I can’t even imagine what my mom would say about bachelor Ben and his floppy hair.

So who’s left?

The Horse Whisperer, The Black Widow, The Darling Divorcee, the Blonde with Bangs, The Smart Pretty One & The Innocent Southern Majorette

Bring your Green Pants

The resident equestrian gets the first date.  The creepy couple hop in a ‘copter and keep the door open.  Ummm…. if being in a helicopter isn’t scary enough, doing it with the door open makes it much easier.  And because this is prime time television, and because Lindzi is deathly afraid of heights, they have to jump out of it. 

Of course they’re not just jumping anywhere, they’re jumping into Belize’s famed “blue hole,” not to be confused with the black hole of reality show has-beens that they’ll immediately be sucked into after this mess is over.     All I can think of is how bruised her body is going to be if she lands wrong.   Obviously, they survive the date and the show cuts to Lindzi wearing her best dress from Old Navy and glossy pink Wet N’ Wild lip-gloss while continuing her date with Ben on the pier.  

For their second date activity, they write a message in a bottle.  But, instead of a message they decide to write an obnoxious “fairy tale” about a mystical woman who’s in love with a horse but a dopey Prince is trying to get her attention.  It wasn’t really about that, but I had to fast forward what they were saying, it was embarrassing.  They then drop the bottle 3 inches from the dock for the resort’s hired hands to find in the morning.

Date 2 Emily

Ben & Emily leave the resort and live it up in Belize.  They ride bikes, join a game of pick-up bball with some locals (scary) and walk around barefoot, shop and then – there’s always a catch, excuse the pun; she has to dive for her own food.   Emily is awesome. I’m fairly certain after catching my lobster and holding it up for the cameras, I’d start choking on my snorkel and have snot all over my face.  But, she looks gorgeous and pretty for the cameras, god I love Emily.  They dance with the locals, blah, eat their lobsters, blah, talk about feelings blah. Overall, I think it went well for Ms. Emily. 

The Black Widow

Meanwhile, Courtney, who you may remember from New Zealand’s smash hit reality show Treasure Island Couples at War, is stressed that she hasn’t gotten another one-on-one date.  But, of course, she’s gets the next date.

She does baby talk, and they go on a hike to some Mayan ruins. He feels bad that it’s “been tough” for Courtney.  It’s sweet that he realizes how tough skinny-dipping in Vieques & stalking him outside his hotel room was for Court.

She tries to outsmart Ben with an ultimatum tactic.  She plays the victim and says she won’t accept a rose from Ben if he’s seriously considering Emily, cuz the blond biatch was such a meanie to Courtney! Easy Taylor Swift, no one’s mean to you.  Ben is an idiot, so he obviously buys it – for now.  But, the red flags go up when Court starts pushing. 

Group Date – Kacie B., Rachel & Nicki

Ben surprises the 3 (un) lucky group date girls at 5 a.m., while they’re still sleeping.   The girls are horrified and have to get ready in 10 minutes - cut to the cameras filming the girls shaving their armpits and baby making areas. Weird.  Anyway, they report for date duty and Ben surprises the girls with a fun filled day of being human shark chum. 

While Kacie B. & Nicki swim with the sharks, Rachel picks her wedge, shows off her tramp stamp and looks for a good place on the boat to vomit or put a bullet in her head.  Ben eventually coaxes Rachel into the water & the girls get mad that Rachel monopolized Ben’s attention. I honestly think he was afraid the girl was going to start hysterically losing it and cause a giant shark attack.

After they survive the almost shark attack, they do the sister wife thing and take turns making out with Ben and telling him how much they care about him.  He gives Kacie B. the rose and then they all sit around and gossip about the Black Widow. 

Rose Ceremony

No cocktail party, Ben knows what he wants! 

Nicki, Lindzi, Courtney and Kacie B. get the rose. Emily and Rachel are headed home - without Ben.  What an idiot.