Well kids, the hills are alive with the sounds of lovemaking this week on The Bachelor. It’s the creepy Fantasy Suite episode!
Tonight, I was down at Brian’s grandmother’s house. After explaining my Bachelor blog situation, she insisted that we turn the train wreck on immediately. Her thoughts on Bachelor Ben: “I wouldn’t even want to keep him in a closet, he looks like a moose.”
Amber, my equally sarcastic sis, guest blogged Nikki’s date for me this evening, here she is with her short recap:
Ben meets Nikki in a lovely field with goats in Switzerland. They enjoy a picnic and then a helicopter swoops in and whisks them to the top of the Alps. I was just waiting to see Julie Andrews out of the corner of my eye, spinning in a circle and singing at the top of her lungs, but no dice. All kidding aside, it's freaking beautiful up there.
They land the helicopter on the edge of a cliff (literally the edge, it looked like it was gonna fall to a fiery death). And have yet another picnic - whatever Nikki is super cute and bubbly and normal and Ben will probably screw it up anyway. Then they go to a log cabin and Nikki gets an invite to spend the night with creepy Ben. Nikki, who now understands she’s going to have to go through with this staying overnight situation gets really liquored up and jumps in the hot tub professing her love for him. So I'm guessing she's goin home...
Okay, Rhi is back…
If Ben jumped off a bridge would you?
Lindzi, who really needs to get her roots done and fix a few flyaway hairs, trots towards Ben awaiting her next Bachelor adventure. The producers must really hate this poor girl because she’s in for another death defying drop! At least she’s allowed to keep most of her clothes on this time. Instead of jumping out of a helicopter, she gets to repel 300 feet down a gorge. Aren’t we past the adventure dates yet? Oh and Ben lovers, if you swooned over the beefcake in a cowboy hat, wait til’ you see him in a rock-climbing helmet with a camera mounted to the top of it.
After Lindzi makes it to solid ground she’s instructed to disrobe and immediately get in the Swiss hot tub. After a sensual soak, it’s dinnertime, and Bennie boy is wearing a bow tie to the table. Once again, the dinner conversation is riveting. He repeatedly congratulates Lindz on being really “open” and “vulnerable”. Is this all this guy has to talk about?
Before he lets her eat anything, Ben immediately hands her an invitation and an antique key and invites her to stay “as a couple” in The Bachelor fantasy suite. “As a couple” is ABC’s way of teaching teenage girls watching The Bachelor to only accept keys to fantasy suites if you’re going to be “doing it” as a “couple”.
Don’t you wish every one-night stand or bedroom invite happened like that? There you are, overserved and slurring outside a bar with the dude you’ve been sloppily kissing in a corner most of the night, when he hands you an antique key and an invite to his “fantasy suite.”
While America cringes and hides under their coffee tables, Lindzi announces that she likes where this fantasy suite date is going. Just when you think the camera is going to pan away and we can all imagine Ben and Lindzi making baby colts in the Swiss adventure suite, we get a voyeuristic view of Lindzi and Ben’s lovemaking.
Oh, hello! Courtney and her baby voice are on the loose in the Swiss Alps. Ben has planned a “Swiss” date for Courtney that includes a train ride and you guessed it, a picnic! Meanwhile, somewhere on a horse farm in Florida Lindzi is throwing things at her television.
After the train ride, while Court & Ben are enjoying their 3rd picnic together of the season, Ben shows off his “garden gnome” jig. Ben also tells Court about this awesome game he and his sister used to play called “Hey Cow”. To participate in a game of “HEY COW” one must simply scream “HEY COW” at poor helpless grazing cows and if they turn around, you win. Ben’s evil little game kind of reminded me of a game my sister and I used to play called “sock balls”. The premise of “sock balls” is simple: take off your socks, roll them into balls and throw them as hard as you can at each other.
Forgoing their Rooms
So Ben & Court talk about her bad behavior and then she gets handed the key to the fantasy suite. They then go back to North Conway’s log cabin Adventure Suite and make out in a barrel.
Question: Is Ben bored with these girls, void of a personality or just plain stupid? Maybe he’s just a perv that went on The Bachelor to have 3 guaranteed nights in a “fantasy suite” with 3 very hot ladies.