Blogging the Bachelorette: Creeps in Croatia

Emily went to Croatia and left her kid with a “babysitter."   I hope her babysitter isn’t anything like my sister’s friends that “babysit” because I follow a few of them on Twitter, and there’s nothing good going on.

What Emily didn’t leave behind in Charlotte was her sparkly wardrobe. Sweetie, we’re not at the Miss North Carolina pageant anymore. We’re on the freaking Adriatic, easy with the glitter.

Travis

Travis didn’t take his shirt off and pissed Emily off.    Then they awkwardly danced dead sober.  At the end, Travis talked about how impressed he was at how “Emily” walked around the city and then made an outline of a heart over his heart. Then I threw up in my mouth and poured some more wine in my glass.  Then Emily didn’t give him the rose, because she thinks she’s way too hot for him.  Then he cries, and dramatically tosses his umbrella into the rain

Meanwhile, there’s a meeting of the minds back at the hotel.  Ryan, who’s wearing a women’s Lululemon tanktop, and uses a flatiron in his hair, says Emily needs someone “edgy”. 

Group Date

I think it’s safe to say Emily is into role-playing and costumes.  If her bedroom activities are anything like her group dates, her future husband is in for a treat. The men are competing in the Highland Games, not to be confused with the Hunger Games, which would be way better cuz then we could get rid of most of them without an awkward rose ceremony.  

Chris completely embarrasses himself on national television with his log throwing and archery. Harry Connick Jr. made me nervous that he was going to hurt himself.  Then Emily made the boys wrestle sticks away from each other. Yup, I’m not kidding, you can’t make this shiz up.  Then there just happened to be a rainbow in the sky. I’m confused. Is there a Bachelorette producer out there that’s screwing with us?

At the end of the date, Emily broke out her latest Vegas showgirl dress to entertain the boys and let Arie throw her up against a wall.  I’m sorry Arie fans, I just don’t like the dude. Don’t get mad at me. He seems so whiney and angry. 

Chris, the “Corporate Sales Director” is scared to death of Emily. What the hell is this kid selling, candy to toddlers?

Ryan’s Date

Ryan, who is the Blakely of this season, gets the next one-on-one date.  Meanwhile, the boys back at the pad make fun of Ryan for his “the world is our pearl” gaffe.  During their date Ryan shows his road rage, they spit out perfectly good oysters, meet a drunk Croatian man, and have a stray dog follows them home.  Again, enough with the freaking glitter and sequins. Girl looks like a fool.  I can’t even handle it. And now she’s harping on this trophy wife thing. Is it just me, or is this girl a little more Regina George than everyone thinks?

  

Other Stuff

Arie got in her bed, they made out, she kept on her gold Statue of Liberty Halloween costume.  God, I miss Courtney Robertson. At least she would've known how to dress in Croatia. 

Rose Ceremony

Emily dons another skintight sequined number to give another guy the boot. Wolf tries to play the death card and tell Emily about his grandparents that died a decade ago.  Doug creepily put his arm around Emily and seemed really insecure with himself for someone who put himself on national television. Doug, get it together. 

Emily asked for an extra rose, after sending home Ryan and Travis. All the boys who made it to the end are safe.

I really wanted to title this blog "Douches in Dubrovnik" but I figured that wouldn't be too classy of me.  

Quotes from our Bachelorette viewing:

Here, some of my favorite quotes from our Bachelorette viewing party in South Boston.  You can thank Susan, Jen, Amber, Kathryn and Katie for the running commentary below.

“I love it how the Bachelor or Bachelorette are always “experts” on the destination they’re visiting.  Where are they getting this information?”

“Emily  - get an effing clue.”

“Ryan’s so mad that he’s not at Marina Bay tonight.”

“Oh, she dumped him.  Somebody get the cops to the Tobin”

“Doug has freaking anger issues, not surprised he just owned that log.”

“Jef’s hair is like so NON sexual.”

“Wow, she looks so pretty when she’s kissing.”

“What is up with all the stray animals in this country?” 

If I don't see you at Bernie and Phyl's on Saturday in Westborough, I'll see you next week!