The makeout maven is leaving Europe and bringing her loud and sparkly wardrobe back to the states. It’s the hometown dates episode!!!!
Chi-Town with Crazy Chris
Chris starts the date dressed like your friend from high school’s creepy dad. Emily chose to wear giant red bell-bottom pants. Because when you’re meeting your boyfriend’s parents, the first thing that comes to mind is throwing on your giant red clown pants. Before heading home, Chris brings her to an empty boring bar in a strip mall and makes her day drink a lukewarm beer. Why do I feel like they’re going to back to his parents house and he’s going to shut off the lights, lock the door and show her his creepy Emily shrine and his doll collection?
We go to Chris’ parent’s place in the burbs. The sisters are kind of like a midwestern version of the sister’s from The Fighter. The dad seems nice, but looks like he might be in a serious relationship with a vodka bottle or work as a hit man. The mom had nothing of note to say really, and then Emily and Chris went and had a dirty make out session in the driveway. They then head out to the back deck for a Polish polka party. Fun. Not.
Utah with Jef & The Romney Family
Is anyone else surprised that Jef came from a ranch in Utah? This kid did not grow up on a freaking ranch. Please. I think this ranch is really where his family’s cult has their retreats. Did anyone else think that was odd that Jef’s parents weren’t going to be home? Yeah, L.Ron Hubbard wasn’t home because he was hiding in international waters. They do a little skeet shooting, sit on some strategically placed bales of hay and Jef says some words but is really trying to put his hands up her dress.
Eventually, Emily meets all of Jef’s brothers, sisters, nieces and nephews. They all sit at a perfect picnic table, drink lemonade and have an All American BBQ – it all seems very Romneyesque. The head brother, we’ll call him “Tag,” sits down to interview Emily to see if she has what it takes to make it on the campaign trail. The politician’s wives have the next interview with Emily and they grill her on love, life & motherhood. Then, one of the camera whore children tries to get some screen time and snuggle up with Em. To cap off the date, Jef brings Emily out to the Utah prairie to read her a love letter written by one of the campaign communication staffers.
AZ with Arie
We head to the Scottsdale racetrack to watch Arie drive real fast. Emily says that Arie looks “stupid hot.” Is it just me or do you feel like Arie would pretend to babysit Ricky and stick her in front of the TV for eleven hours?
Arie’s parents are (gasp!) European! Arie is very concerned with Emily’s Americaness not vibeing with his family’s European flair. So we head to Arie’s place and are transported back to 1997. Ohhhhhhh, so they’re that kind of European. The mom and dad are heavily botoxed and swilling champagne and his twin teenage brothers have bowl haircuts and are wearing matching shirts. Upon meeting Emily, the family ignores her and chooses to speak Dutch and talk to each other instead.
Dallas with Sean
Yeehaw! We’re in Texas y’all. The lovebirds picnic in the park before heading to Sean’s place. Everything’s Bigger in Texas, including Sean’s niece Kensington’s playhouse. WTF, as my sister said, “…that playhouse is bigger than my freaking apartment. “ So we get a peek inside Kensington’s palace, and then Sean drops a BOMB. The boy LIVES at freaking home. Not only does he live at home, he had a cookie earlier and left the crumbs of it on his nightstand. NOT. He was lying. He faked me out, he faked Emily out, and he faked out everyone at my house. It was a big lighthearted practical joke! Hahahahaha. Sean’s dad is adorable. Love him. His mom is adorable. Love her. Emily’s definitely not going to pick him in the end. They’re all too nice. And, Scott and Emily don’t makeout, and we all know Emily LOVES to makeout. They instead do those soft weird kisses.
We’re back in Beverly Hills for the rose ceremony! Emily is dressed up as a 40-year-old Jessica Simpson judging a Miss Kansas pageant and it’s time to send one of the boys home! Well, we called it at my house, 25-year-old Chris is heading back to the Chicago suburbs and he seems pretty angry about it. He's back to scaring 18-year-old girls at the strip mall.
Til' next week kids. And remember, if you like the Bachelorette blog, tell your friends, comment below and click that handy thumbs-up button on Facebook.