Blogging the Bachelorette Men Tell All: Cheeseburgers in Ryan’s Paradise

Yay? It’s the Men Tell All episode! We start the show with a pre-taped interview between Pat Sajak’s ghost and Vanna White – I mean Chris Harrison and Emily.  First, Em shares the top 3 things that made her really MAD this season:

- When Ryan said he was afraid she’d get fat after they got married.

- When the poor man’s Scott Disick said he didn’t want her baggage.

- When Doug tried to kiss her when she didn’t want him to.

Then, just when you think her white people problems couldn’t get any worse, we find out THERE WAS MORE.  Yawn. Here’s what we missed:

-  Emily spilled a drop of wine on her dress and then cursed!  AND we never saw it!

-  Ari’s creepy brothers spied on the two lovebirds sucking face.  

To make sure we stay hooked on ABC every Monday, the network makes us watch a preview of the upcoming Bachelor Pad.  All I took away from the sneak peek is that ABC is bringing tiara wearing Erica Rose from VH1’s You’re Cut Off.  I am beyond EXCITED.  Also joining the cast, America’s favorite VIP cocktail waitress and Marky Marky Crazy Eyes Chris.

An Inside Look at the Douche Den from the Couch:

-       Crazy Chris cries about being a millennial, a lot.

-       John left the wolfpack long enough to buy a pair of pink pants.

-       Wow, wow, Stevie, the party MC read: Verizon phone salesman tells Kalon how it is. 

Kalon in the Hot Seat:

Don’t you just want to see Kalon’s high school yearbook? You know this kid was probably popping his pimples and eating his own boogers in the corner most of his life.   After buying his way into the worst fraternity on campus his junior year of college, he decided to create “Kalon” this all new persona he developed from studying teen movies from the late 90’s.  After he pretended to like scotch and bought a pair of Nantucket reds, he probably managed to bed a few over served 4’s and began to believe his own hype.

Ryan’s Interview

The boys think Ryan is a narcissist. None of them used that word obviously, but they were definitely threatened by hot Ryan.  Well, the fact of the matter is Ryan is freaking hot.  I’m glad Emily didn’t get him, maybe one of my friends can.  Or better yet, maybe one of my sisters, then I’d get to see him during the holidays and buy him inappropriate Christmas gifts.

Crazy Chris

Wow, this is going to be uncomfortable. Christ, I want to find one of Chris’ ex-girlfriends and interview her.  Chris is the guy that shows up at your house drunk and scares you and your friends.  Then he starts crying and you end up consoling him and giving him a ride home.  My favorite question from Chris Harrison: “Do you anger easily?” Lol, he’s just misunderstood! Chris fights for what he believes in!  Well, I’m definitely convinced that he fights, especially after a few red bulls and vodka are mixed with his Xanax. 

Sweet, Sweet Sean

I can’t even make fun of this kid. Instead, lets make fun of Emily trying to cry through her nose job and botoxed face instead. 

The Most Popular Bachelorette EVER

Emily did not disappoint, she bought her best vowel-turning dress to Sajak’s stage.  Just when you think she couldn’t get any more enhancements, she breaks out the longest hair extensions you’ve ever seen.  God, she’s so perfect.  Emily genuinely compliments all the boys and apologizes for breaking their hearts, all while making fun of herself at the same time! Easy Regina George, this girl has GOT to have a burn book at home.

Get ready to waste your Sunday night with me kids! Oh, and while I have you here, I'm up for Boston's best fashion blogger on the Boston A-List. I'm currently in sixth place. Listen, no one wants to end up in sixth place. Can you vote? Boston A-List Voting. 

Will it be Jef or Arie? Who knows, I'll see you Sunday!