Blogging the Bachelorette: Bridling Passions in Curacao

"Jef is about as muscular as that surfboard," says Katie.

What? I couldn’t hear you over the deafening bugs in Curacao.  Here we are at the S-E-X episode. Which overnight will be a deal breaker?  Is there a term worse than “Fantasy Suite?” Actually, yes, “Adventure Suite” is way up there.  Sorry North Conway.   If you’re a longtime reader of my blog you know nothing makes me more uncomfortable than the creepy fantasy suite episode.   If you want my rated “R” version of this paragraph, please email me and I’ll tell you what I really wanted to say.

We land in Curacao and unfortunately for these beaus, Emily is an unsure thing tonight with the whole being a mom thing.  So here’s who’s left, Sean, the 28-year-old Insurance Agent from Texas, Jef, the Mormon entrepreneur and Arie, the Dutch race car driver from Scottsdale, AZ. 

We start out with hot Sean who’s wearing a bright blue shirt and bright red shorts.  On anyone else, I’d wonder what the HELL he was wearing. To be honest, Sean could be wearing an Ed Hardy backpack, hammer pants, and a bandana and I’d say bring it on brother.  Sean and Emily talk on the beach in their loud American outfits and Emily fake smiled at Sean with her crazy ultra-white veneers. 

Honestly, watching these two is like watching paint dry.  I think they’d make a crazy beautiful super child.  But before they can practice making the perfect child, we have to first listen to Sean read a “letter” to Ricky that he wrote with his eighth grade penmanship.  Then, out of nowhere, they get invited to the Fantasy Suite! Emily puts her surgically enhanced body into a teeny bikini and they make out like prom king and queen in the hot tub.  But, curveball, night’s over, cut to Emily kicking out Sean while it’s still dark out.  I love how she pretends that she didn’t sleep with him. Let me tell you sweetie, you’re not fooling me.  The only thing sluttier than a one-night stand is a one-night stand when you kick them out right after the deed is done.  

Jef is next, and he arrives swimming in his Medium t-shirt.    As Americans scream MISMATCH at their televisions, Jef and Em go sailing and Emily pretends to be enthralled with his “edginess.”  Jef has a list of questions for Emily, I gotta say, the kid is pretty sharp.  He says the right things and he seems to be pretty confident. I think their dinner was actually the first adult conversation I’ve seen on the show.  Wait did Jef just say, “We need to bridle these passions”? 

I’m sorry, Arie just looks like someone I’d like to punch in the face.  As he runs down the dock, I can’t help but hope he slips off.  These two have some serious chemistry, right?  They start making out immediately, and not just making out, I’m talking dirty, dirty tonsil hockey.  They certainly have some chemistry.  I know they make out like teenagers, but he just seems like he plays for the other team to me.  The two have dinner, and we watch Arie’s makeout-chapped lips move and form words that sounds something like he cares about being a dad and not ripping off her sparkly clothing. Emily is afraid she’ll end up pregnant with a son named Mickey if she is left in a Fantasy Suite with Arie.  Emily restrains herself and doesn’t extend the invitation to let Arie park his racecar in her driveway for the night. 

"Oh man, I love when she looks at their headshots," says Amber.

Emily has to make a decision. To help her make it, she stares at Sean and Jef’s senior pictures and Arie’s headshot from when he tried out for Twilight.  We watch their video messages to Emily, Jef has a future as a politician, I have no idea what Sean said, and Arie had her at hello.  In the end, Emily had a hysterical breakdown and sent all-American Sean home back to the heart of Texas.  While they say their goodbyes, Emily stares at Sean's biceps through his crisp white shirt and instantly regretted her decision and started sobbing.  Til' next week when the guys tell all! Let's see if crazy Chris keeps it in check.