Fight Me for a Bracelet on Charles Street

Better eat your lunch at your desk during your conference call this Wednesday. You'll need those sixty minutes to run down to Charles Street and battle Boston fashionistas for a few discounted baubles. Pretend like you're in NYC for minute and get your fashionable fanny down to Beacon Hill this Wednesday, from 9 a.m. to 8 p.m.  for some majorly discounted designer accessories at Succarra.  The Boston based PR agency specializes in fashion and accessories - and for one day, they're 85% off. I'll see you there. 

Blogging the Bachelorette: The Fanny Pack Finale

The “incredibly emotional” season finale is here!  Will it be Arie or Jef?  Who cares! What I meant to say is, will it be the racecar driver or the entrepreneur with the luscious locks?  Part of me feels like Emily is going to pick no one and make her own rules like she did all season.

So we’re back in Curacao and Emily is confused – and she brought her baggage with her to make the decision.  Ricky, Emily’s mom, dad, bro and sister-in-law are also in tow. It appears that Emily’s mom Suzie hopped on the first plane from Palm Beach fresh from her plastic surgeons office. Jef shows up at the family compound looking like a rock lobster after waking up from a hangover-induced coma on a beach chair. Emily’s bro is hawt. When he sits down little Jef for a talking to, it looks like he’s sitting with his kid “brother” from the Big Brother program.  Now it’s time for the awkward hand in marriage bit.  Well, because it’s television, Em’s dad gives Jef his approval.

Arie Charms the Family

Arie, who I’m still convinced, plays for the other team, stops by to meet the family. He seems to have verbal diarrhea and talks incessantly about nothing.  Can you even imagine the shiz they edited out?   Well, Arie turns it all around with a cheezy gift.  He brings a jewelry box full of all of the rose petals Emily gave Arie. Puke.  Mom & bro give Arie the approval, Dad starts off tough but ends up caving to Arie’s creepy charm.

The sister-in-law isn’t allowed to speak during any of the family meetings, she was instructed by ABC producers to simply smile and nod.  Poor Rickie, they made the poor kid wear a lame fanny pack the entire episode. I’m guessing they have her microphone in there, god, she’s going to kill her mom in 10 years when she sees this.

Jef’s Last Date

Emily decides to introduce Jef to her spawn.  In his true wannabe hipster style, Jef asks Ricky for a high five.  So they all strip down to their bathing suits and jump in the pool with the six-year-old. Jef tries to remember some “cool things” he did as a camp counselor at Mormon camp and Rickie seems to buy it.  Then, Jef takes a page from Blakeley’s scrap book and gives Emily a coffee table book that he drew stick people in. 

I called it! Emily calls in Chris Harrison halfway through and says she wants to pick Jef and skip her date with Arie. Why doesn’t she just have one of her friends call Arie and break up with him? You know pretty little Emily wants Chris to let her off the hook and just let her ride into the Utah sunset with her new undergrad boyfriend.

Before Arie can meet up with Emily, he mysteriously meets a witch doctor in the garden and makes a love potion with herbs, locks of Jef’s hair and some of his own blood.  Arie rubs it all over Emily’s body and then is sat down by Emily to receive the boot. Surprisingly, the botox actually seems to let a few tears leave Em's tear ducts. Arie takes the breakup hard. Boy is freaking BULL.  In typical Emily fashion, she tries to get Arie to console her for breaking up with him.  But he is having NONE of it.  Hasn’t this kid every seen a teen movie? The prom queen NEVER ends up picking the prom king.  She wants the dufus with a real heart. 

After tearing out Arie’s heart, Emily wakes up in the morning fresh as a daisy and writes Jef a letter and dots all of her i’s with hearts!  Then Neil Lane makes his cameo and gives out a free ring. 

I wonder if Emily would’ve changed her mind if she saw Jef strolling the beach in the cobalt blue capri pants I almost bought from J.Crew? 

In the end, Emily puts on the most awesome sparkly dress ever and Jef puts on the most impeccably tailored suit ever and they hold hands and say words in a Curacao courtyard. Jef asks Emily for her hand in marriage, Emily hesitates then accepts and ABC plays a cheezy bedtime Magic song and everyone rejoices in having our Monday nights back.

The End. 

I miss Ben and Courtney. 

Remixed in the Neighborhood

Did you ever see a cat’s eyes in the dark and wonder what they were? Wow, Autotune can really make anything sound good. It’s been awhile since I’ve thought about Lady Elaine and King Friday. Man, those puppets are creepy.


Watch Fred Rogers get down in the new Garden of Your Mind remix:

Blogging the Bachelorette Men Tell All: Cheeseburgers in Ryan’s Paradise

Yay? It’s the Men Tell All episode! We start the show with a pre-taped interview between Pat Sajak’s ghost and Vanna White – I mean Chris Harrison and Emily.  First, Em shares the top 3 things that made her really MAD this season:

- When Ryan said he was afraid she’d get fat after they got married.

- When the poor man’s Scott Disick said he didn’t want her baggage.

- When Doug tried to kiss her when she didn’t want him to.

Then, just when you think her white people problems couldn’t get any worse, we find out THERE WAS MORE.  Yawn. Here’s what we missed:

-  Emily spilled a drop of wine on her dress and then cursed!  AND we never saw it!

-  Ari’s creepy brothers spied on the two lovebirds sucking face.  

To make sure we stay hooked on ABC every Monday, the network makes us watch a preview of the upcoming Bachelor Pad.  All I took away from the sneak peek is that ABC is bringing tiara wearing Erica Rose from VH1’s You’re Cut Off.  I am beyond EXCITED.  Also joining the cast, America’s favorite VIP cocktail waitress and Marky Marky Crazy Eyes Chris.

An Inside Look at the Douche Den from the Couch:

-       Crazy Chris cries about being a millennial, a lot.

-       John left the wolfpack long enough to buy a pair of pink pants.

-       Wow, wow, Stevie, the party MC read: Verizon phone salesman tells Kalon how it is. 

Kalon in the Hot Seat:

Don’t you just want to see Kalon’s high school yearbook? You know this kid was probably popping his pimples and eating his own boogers in the corner most of his life.   After buying his way into the worst fraternity on campus his junior year of college, he decided to create “Kalon” this all new persona he developed from studying teen movies from the late 90’s.  After he pretended to like scotch and bought a pair of Nantucket reds, he probably managed to bed a few over served 4’s and began to believe his own hype.

Ryan’s Interview

The boys think Ryan is a narcissist. None of them used that word obviously, but they were definitely threatened by hot Ryan.  Well, the fact of the matter is Ryan is freaking hot.  I’m glad Emily didn’t get him, maybe one of my friends can.  Or better yet, maybe one of my sisters, then I’d get to see him during the holidays and buy him inappropriate Christmas gifts.

Crazy Chris

Wow, this is going to be uncomfortable. Christ, I want to find one of Chris’ ex-girlfriends and interview her.  Chris is the guy that shows up at your house drunk and scares you and your friends.  Then he starts crying and you end up consoling him and giving him a ride home.  My favorite question from Chris Harrison: “Do you anger easily?” Lol, he’s just misunderstood! Chris fights for what he believes in!  Well, I’m definitely convinced that he fights, especially after a few red bulls and vodka are mixed with his Xanax. 

Sweet, Sweet Sean

I can’t even make fun of this kid. Instead, lets make fun of Emily trying to cry through her nose job and botoxed face instead. 

The Most Popular Bachelorette EVER

Emily did not disappoint, she bought her best vowel-turning dress to Sajak’s stage.  Just when you think she couldn’t get any more enhancements, she breaks out the longest hair extensions you’ve ever seen.  God, she’s so perfect.  Emily genuinely compliments all the boys and apologizes for breaking their hearts, all while making fun of herself at the same time! Easy Regina George, this girl has GOT to have a burn book at home.

Get ready to waste your Sunday night with me kids! Oh, and while I have you here, I'm up for Boston's best fashion blogger on the Boston A-List. I'm currently in sixth place. Listen, no one wants to end up in sixth place. Can you vote? Boston A-List Voting. 

Will it be Jef or Arie? Who knows, I'll see you Sunday! 

Blogging the Bachelorette: Bridling Passions in Curacao

"Jef is about as muscular as that surfboard," says Katie.

What? I couldn’t hear you over the deafening bugs in Curacao.  Here we are at the S-E-X episode. Which overnight will be a deal breaker?  Is there a term worse than “Fantasy Suite?” Actually, yes, “Adventure Suite” is way up there.  Sorry North Conway.   If you’re a longtime reader of my blog you know nothing makes me more uncomfortable than the creepy fantasy suite episode.   If you want my rated “R” version of this paragraph, please email me and I’ll tell you what I really wanted to say.

We land in Curacao and unfortunately for these beaus, Emily is an unsure thing tonight with the whole being a mom thing.  So here’s who’s left, Sean, the 28-year-old Insurance Agent from Texas, Jef, the Mormon entrepreneur and Arie, the Dutch race car driver from Scottsdale, AZ. 

We start out with hot Sean who’s wearing a bright blue shirt and bright red shorts.  On anyone else, I’d wonder what the HELL he was wearing. To be honest, Sean could be wearing an Ed Hardy backpack, hammer pants, and a bandana and I’d say bring it on brother.  Sean and Emily talk on the beach in their loud American outfits and Emily fake smiled at Sean with her crazy ultra-white veneers. 

Honestly, watching these two is like watching paint dry.  I think they’d make a crazy beautiful super child.  But before they can practice making the perfect child, we have to first listen to Sean read a “letter” to Ricky that he wrote with his eighth grade penmanship.  Then, out of nowhere, they get invited to the Fantasy Suite! Emily puts her surgically enhanced body into a teeny bikini and they make out like prom king and queen in the hot tub.  But, curveball, night’s over, cut to Emily kicking out Sean while it’s still dark out.  I love how she pretends that she didn’t sleep with him. Let me tell you sweetie, you’re not fooling me.  The only thing sluttier than a one-night stand is a one-night stand when you kick them out right after the deed is done.  

Jef is next, and he arrives swimming in his Medium t-shirt.    As Americans scream MISMATCH at their televisions, Jef and Em go sailing and Emily pretends to be enthralled with his “edginess.”  Jef has a list of questions for Emily, I gotta say, the kid is pretty sharp.  He says the right things and he seems to be pretty confident. I think their dinner was actually the first adult conversation I’ve seen on the show.  Wait did Jef just say, “We need to bridle these passions”? 

I’m sorry, Arie just looks like someone I’d like to punch in the face.  As he runs down the dock, I can’t help but hope he slips off.  These two have some serious chemistry, right?  They start making out immediately, and not just making out, I’m talking dirty, dirty tonsil hockey.  They certainly have some chemistry.  I know they make out like teenagers, but he just seems like he plays for the other team to me.  The two have dinner, and we watch Arie’s makeout-chapped lips move and form words that sounds something like he cares about being a dad and not ripping off her sparkly clothing. Emily is afraid she’ll end up pregnant with a son named Mickey if she is left in a Fantasy Suite with Arie.  Emily restrains herself and doesn’t extend the invitation to let Arie park his racecar in her driveway for the night. 

"Oh man, I love when she looks at their headshots," says Amber.

Emily has to make a decision. To help her make it, she stares at Sean and Jef’s senior pictures and Arie’s headshot from when he tried out for Twilight.  We watch their video messages to Emily, Jef has a future as a politician, I have no idea what Sean said, and Arie had her at hello.  In the end, Emily had a hysterical breakdown and sent all-American Sean home back to the heart of Texas.  While they say their goodbyes, Emily stares at Sean's biceps through his crisp white shirt and instantly regretted her decision and started sobbing.  Til' next week when the guys tell all! Let's see if crazy Chris keeps it in check.  

Blogging the Bachelorette: Hometown Dates

The makeout maven is leaving Europe and bringing her loud and sparkly wardrobe back to the states.  It’s the hometown dates episode!!!!

Chi-Town with Crazy Chris

Chris starts the date dressed like your friend from high school’s creepy dad.  Emily chose to wear giant red bell-bottom pants. Because when you’re meeting your boyfriend’s parents, the first thing that comes to mind is throwing on your giant red clown pants. Before heading home, Chris brings her to an empty boring bar in a strip mall and makes her day drink a lukewarm beer. Why do I feel like they’re going to back to his parents house and he’s going to shut off the lights, lock the door and show her his creepy Emily shrine and his doll collection? 

We go to Chris’ parent’s place in the burbs.  The sisters are kind of like a midwestern version of the sister’s from The Fighter.  The dad seems nice, but looks like he might be in a serious relationship with a vodka bottle or work as a hit man. The mom had nothing of note to say really, and then Emily and Chris went and had a dirty make out session in the driveway.   They then head out to the back deck for a Polish polka party.  Fun.  Not.

Utah  with Jef & The Romney Family

Is anyone else surprised that Jef came from a ranch in Utah?  This kid did not grow up on a freaking ranch. Please.  I think this ranch is really where his family’s cult has their retreats.  Did anyone else think that was odd that Jef’s parents weren’t going to be home?  Yeah, L.Ron Hubbard wasn’t home because he was hiding in international waters.   They do a little skeet shooting, sit on some strategically placed bales of hay and Jef says some words but is really trying to put his hands up her dress. 

Eventually, Emily meets all of Jef’s brothers, sisters, nieces and nephews.  They all sit at a perfect picnic table, drink lemonade and have an All American BBQ – it all seems very Romneyesque.  The head brother, we’ll call him “Tag,” sits down to interview Emily to see if she has what it takes to make it on the campaign trail.    The politician’s wives have the next interview with Emily and they grill her on love, life & motherhood.  Then, one of the camera whore children tries to get some screen time and snuggle up with Em.  To cap off the date, Jef brings Emily out to the Utah prairie to read her a love letter written by one of the campaign communication staffers. 

AZ with Arie

We head to the Scottsdale racetrack to watch Arie drive real fast.  Emily says that Arie looks “stupid hot.”  Is it just me or do you feel like Arie would pretend to babysit Ricky and stick her in front of the TV for eleven hours?

Arie’s parents are (gasp!) European! Arie is very concerned with Emily’s Americaness not vibeing with his family’s European flair.  So we head to Arie’s place and are transported back to 1997. Ohhhhhhh, so they’re that kind of European. The mom and dad are heavily botoxed and swilling champagne and his twin teenage brothers have bowl haircuts and are wearing matching shirts. Upon meeting Emily, the family ignores her and chooses to speak Dutch and talk to each other instead.

Dallas with Sean

Yeehaw! We’re in Texas y’all.  The lovebirds picnic in the park before heading to Sean’s place.  Everything’s Bigger in Texas, including Sean’s niece Kensington’s playhouse. WTF, as my sister said, “…that playhouse is bigger than my freaking apartment. “  So we get a peek inside Kensington’s palace, and then Sean drops a BOMB.  The boy LIVES at freaking home.  Not only does he live at home, he had a cookie earlier and left the crumbs of it on his nightstand.  NOT.  He was lying. He faked me out, he faked Emily out, and he faked out everyone at my house.  It was a big lighthearted practical joke! Hahahahaha. Sean’s dad is adorable. Love him.  His mom is adorable. Love her.  Emily’s definitely not going to pick him in the end. They’re all too nice.  And, Scott and Emily don’t makeout, and we all know Emily LOVES to makeout.  They instead do those soft weird kisses. 

Rose Ceremony

We’re back in Beverly Hills for the rose ceremony!  Emily is dressed up as a 40-year-old Jessica Simpson judging a Miss Kansas pageant and it’s time to send one of the boys home! Well, we called it at my house, 25-year-old Chris is heading back to the Chicago suburbs and he seems pretty angry about it. He's back to scaring 18-year-old girls at the strip mall.

Til' next week kids.  And remember, if you like the Bachelorette blog, tell your friends, comment below and click that handy thumbs-up button on Facebook.