Blogging the Bachelor Episode 4: Prostitutes and Poker Dealers

For the record: The Pretty Woman references I make in this blog were written before I actually knew what was going to happen. I swear.

It’s Monday and our favorite Ken-doll-come-to-life is off to pick up Barbie at her dream house.   This week, Selma (my dark horse pick) scores the first one-on-one date.  She’s super excited about their “hot” adventure and squeals to the camera that she can’t wait to have Sean’s babies.  Speaking of babies, she looked like she was ready to milk one in the size 0 Lululemon tank she squeezed her surgically enhanced assets into. 

So Richard Gere whisks Selma away in a 1990 limo to a waiting private jet.  Next stop: Mystery date. Sadly for Selma and my Pretty Woman fantasy, the date is not at the Opera in San Francisco, it’s on a rock in the desert.  We learn a lot about Selma in the beginning of this date. She weighs 110 lbs., she sweats A LOT and she only wears 6” heels.  Oh, please.  

After finishing the boring rock-climbing part of the date, Sean takes Selma to dinner at a made-up theme trailer park and Selma stresses about lip locking on television.  Apparently, she has no problem showing off her décolletage.

Group Date

To most of the girl’s dismay, they lace up on four wheels and do their best Juno and Drew Barrymore impressions and play roller derby.

None of the girls are too psyched about rolling around on this inclined ramp – especially Tierra.  Girl looks like she’s about to hide behind the bleachers and take a crowbar to the most Nancy Kerrigan-like skater out there. 

Poor Sarah, are these producers serious? It was like watching a one-legged man in a$$ kicking contest out there.  If I were Sarah I would’ve been hella bull.  Meanwhile, Alanis Morissette pretends to be a closet roller derby professional and wipes out on the track and nails her chin.

I think the producers were afraid they were going to get sued by one of the gals, so sweet Sean calls off the roller derby competition and calls a “free skate” worthy of Skatetown USA.  They listen to Steve Perry’s “Foolish Heart” and did all sorts of fun roller skating games like freeze frame and the hokey pokey on wheels.  At the cocktail party, Tonya Harding releases the crazy and interrupts Sean’s skinny-dippin’ party to play him like a fiddle.

Diamonds are a Poker Dealer’s Best Friend

Poker dealer, Leslie H. gets the next date and a pair of earrings. She also makes a Pretty Woman reference. I imagine she’s one of my blog readers.  Did I call it or what? Leslie is a sixty-year-old trapped in a twenty-something’s body.  “Holy moley” she’s “super duper” excited for the date in the hot car! I can’t even believe this; they’re actually recreating Pretty Woman by going shopping on Rodeo Drive.   And get this, girl doesn’t even order a pizza or get anything for her trampy friend Kit.  While Kit’s stuck on Sunset eating Mai-Tai garnishes for dinner, Leslie is buying mother of the bride dresses at Escada.

Anyway, Neil Lane makes an appearance and Leslie gets more free stuff.  I don’t even know what to say about Leslie on the dinner part of the date, it was like watching paint dry. Sean feels the same way as I do and promptly sends her back to the Blackjack table.  

Meanwhile, back at the Playboy mansion Tierra is eating Cool Ranch Doritos.  God, I freaking love this girl.  

Cat-fight Party

Tierrable is clearly aiming for a role on another reality show. Girl is playing all the games there are to play. She's been the victim, the villain and the manipulator all in one episode.  Catherine makes me cringe when she hands Sean a business card with a kiss c/o her Wet-n-Wild lips on it. Yawn.  

Going home: Tori Amos takes it on the chin.  

Next week, the Bachelor moves the brothel to the wilderness and apparently it's a two-day event. WHAT! Noooooo! Also, can someone please tell me who Jackie is?