We’re in St. Croix this week kids! It’s that episode before the hometown dates. You know, the episode after all the interesting and diverse girls are gone. In short, the episode when the Bachelor dry humps each girl on the beach.
I really hope they don’t work Valentines Day cheese into this episode. Speaking of cheese, I wish they’d give Tierra a bag of Cheetos for every time she was lounging in her Kohl’s t-shirt on the couch.
Cringe Cringle: Girl Interrupted
Ashley, who wasn’t wanted by her parents and talks about it every second, gets the first date. Is it just me or is this girl Serious Sally? Oh, yay she wants to share more! Yay! I love people that overshare on national television. In a nutshell, Ashley used to be complete WT. Something about being married when she was 17, whatever, her performance was far more dramatic than the actual facts. Girl set it up like she was going to Walk to Remember this guy and tell him she was going die in 14 days. Turns out the girl was just a promiscuous teenager who I have the distinct feeling is now a 32-year-old with a creepy doll collection in her basement and a chicken carcass under her bed.
Date 2: Tierra the Terrible
Tierra is extra whiney today. She’s hot, cranky and thirsty! Sean takes Tierra the toddler shopping in the marketplace and buys her a snow cone and a cheap bracelet just to make her stop talking. Girl acted like she was shopping at Saks. Ever shop on an island? That shiz cray. No one wants that stuff, you just buy it because the woman’s seven children are all staring at you from under the folding table.
Let the games begin, Tierra hears there’s been some mad shiz talking and she’s bringing out the big guns. She drops the LOVE bomb. Sadly, I think her version of LOVE is the same kind she has most Friday and Saturday nights with different gentleman callers.
Group Date: Sun’s Out, Guns Out
Charming Sean sneaks in to the girl’s room at 5:00 a.m. to take pictures of the girls without makeup on. Umm…cuz that’s normal right? What’s next? Sunday cellulite checks? Will he steal all the self tanner in the apartment? Stand them all up on pedestals under harsh fluorescent lights and circle the fat spots on their bodies with a sharpie? What?
Desiree, who admitted last week that she had a rough upbringing, impresses Sean with her feral Mogli the Jungle Boy knot tying and rope swinging ways. Also, Sean seems really impressed with Lindsay’s “depth” – really? If this girl is deep, I’m the leader of my own cult. This girl showed up in wedding dress for christsakes.
Speaking of big guns, calm, cool Catherine went with the abused family member storyline instead of the tried and true “I’m falling for you” that usually happens at this point in the season. Dez starts crying Claire Danes style as she talks about how “happy” her family is. Girl, take your meds.
Politically Consulting Leslie
Leslie, literally, like, seriously, loves her Lake House. She like, wants to tell him, like, that, literally, she’s falling in love with him, like literally. She like totally wants to do whatever with him, like at her Lake House. She talks about the “natural progression” of their relationship, which is like a girl asking if you think she’s pretty. You’re like “of course” yes, I love your outfit, and you’re gorgeous! They showed us about 43 seconds of their mindnumbing date, before bringing Sean's sister Shay to the party.
Ashlee and Tierra exchange some harsh words and upon Sean's "surprise" entrance, Tierra turned on the waterworks. While Tierra showed America her finger tattoos, Christmas Tree Shoppe flip-flops and chipped fingernails, Sean rubbed her back and secretly got turned on by her crazy. As turned on as he was, he asked her to go home anyway. Thank god, did you want to see that girl's house? Place is probably a kitty litter palace of empty bud heavy cans and family dinners of sketti and ketchup.
We're going home with Lindsay, Dez, Catherine and Ashlee. Leslie's heading back to the Beltway!