Blogging the Bachelor: Sharing a Bed with Charlie Bucket

Buckle up kids. It’s time to see where these All American role models were born and bred.

Even Daddy Issues are Bigger in Texas

YEEHAW! We’re in Texas y’all.  We’re here to meet abandoned AshLee’s adopted mom and dad.  While Sean and Ash bond over the fact that both of their parents are down with Jesus, Amber and I can’t help but notice that they’re either drinking Yellowtail or Fisheye wine. Barf.

Mr. and Mrs. Frazier seem like nice folks. Mr. Frazier even looks a lot like Mr. Belding. AshLee decides to make viewers across the country cringe as she tells everyone at that the dinner table that they have had a blast all season rolling around in the sand and that she had already told Sean that she loved him.  Girl is smart.  She’s laying it on thick.  

Mr. Belding steals the show by sharing a tear-jerking story about his wife giving birth in an elevator – I mean how he fell in love with his pixie haired daughter the first time he saw her in the foster home. Tear.  Prediction: Girl won’t make it past fantasy suites.

Skeptical in Seattle

We’re hanging with Catherine in Seattle. Yay!!!! Bachelor producers paid some fish mongers to toss giant fish at Sean’s head. I was praying one of those slippery Salmon would slip through Sean's head, but no luck. Catherine keeps up the “cool girl” act and Sean is into it – hook line and sinker.   

Catherine brings Sean back to her pad and there are like 11 people living in 900 square feet.  While Sean put on an apron and sucked up to her grandmother, Kendall and Kylie Jenner sat Charlie Bucket style on Catherine’s twin bed in a room with a stove in it.  Catherine’s sisters were straight up skeptical biatches and the mom didn’t give Sean the blessing he wanted. I mean, who wouldn’t want to give a blessing to a guy dating four gals?  Observation: Girl's family should be begging for a golden ticket. 

Boring in Missouri

Lindsay, the Army brat, welcomes Sean to her hometown in Missouri.  Too bad the Bachelor producers didn’t give Linds a heads-up on Catherine’s fun date. Linds brought Sean antiquing and for a warm beer in a weird restaurant. Sean is straight-up scurred to meet Lindsay’s 8-star General dad.  Boy is sweating.  Since there was absolutely nothing to do in Lindsay’s boring town, Sean was ordered to don a mock turtleneck and participate in some contrived Bachelor boot camp.

Lindsay talks about how protective her dad is.  Sean decides to tell her family that their daughter decided to show up on the first day in a wedding dress.  Thank god he left out how plastered she was.  Through quivers and sweats, Sean asks General Missouri for his blessing.  He gets it, somehow, and a pair of dog tags for the road.  

Hot-Headed in Hollywood

Des brings Sean hiking in the Hollywood Hills to start off the Hometown Date.  Sadly, no mountain lions or coyotes chased Sean and his Nantucket Red knickers through the canyons.  Desiree’s family decided to meet back at her place, because if you remember, her family dwells in tents in the wilderness.  Then, out of nowhere, Desiree’s ex-boyfriend shows up and crashes their date. No wait – it was just a joke!  Des’s family is so LA in 1967 – Roxanne and Tony looked like they had just come from a Joan Baez concert and smoked up in their VW van outside before hitting the hometown party.   

Des’s bro is straight-up street; he’s fresh from selling smack on Sunset and about to lay another kind of smack down on Sean.  Nate is not having this whole Bachelor bullshiz, and clenches his tattooed fists while flashing Sean his crazy eyes and his crystal meth smile.

Rose Bowl

Sean can barely make it through the rose ceremony without heading back into the Bachelor study to glance at their senior pictures and wait for Jacob Marley to guide him through his decision. Despite her desperate pleas, Sean sends home delightful Desiree.