Blogging the Bachelor Episode 4: Prostitutes and Poker Dealers

For the record: The Pretty Woman references I make in this blog were written before I actually knew what was going to happen. I swear.

It’s Monday and our favorite Ken-doll-come-to-life is off to pick up Barbie at her dream house.   This week, Selma (my dark horse pick) scores the first one-on-one date.  She’s super excited about their “hot” adventure and squeals to the camera that she can’t wait to have Sean’s babies.  Speaking of babies, she looked like she was ready to milk one in the size 0 Lululemon tank she squeezed her surgically enhanced assets into. 

So Richard Gere whisks Selma away in a 1990 limo to a waiting private jet.  Next stop: Mystery date. Sadly for Selma and my Pretty Woman fantasy, the date is not at the Opera in San Francisco, it’s on a rock in the desert.  We learn a lot about Selma in the beginning of this date. She weighs 110 lbs., she sweats A LOT and she only wears 6” heels.  Oh, please.  

After finishing the boring rock-climbing part of the date, Sean takes Selma to dinner at a made-up theme trailer park and Selma stresses about lip locking on television.  Apparently, she has no problem showing off her décolletage.

Group Date

To most of the girl’s dismay, they lace up on four wheels and do their best Juno and Drew Barrymore impressions and play roller derby.

None of the girls are too psyched about rolling around on this inclined ramp – especially Tierra.  Girl looks like she’s about to hide behind the bleachers and take a crowbar to the most Nancy Kerrigan-like skater out there. 

Poor Sarah, are these producers serious? It was like watching a one-legged man in a$$ kicking contest out there.  If I were Sarah I would’ve been hella bull.  Meanwhile, Alanis Morissette pretends to be a closet roller derby professional and wipes out on the track and nails her chin.

I think the producers were afraid they were going to get sued by one of the gals, so sweet Sean calls off the roller derby competition and calls a “free skate” worthy of Skatetown USA.  They listen to Steve Perry’s “Foolish Heart” and did all sorts of fun roller skating games like freeze frame and the hokey pokey on wheels.  At the cocktail party, Tonya Harding releases the crazy and interrupts Sean’s skinny-dippin’ party to play him like a fiddle.

Diamonds are a Poker Dealer’s Best Friend

Poker dealer, Leslie H. gets the next date and a pair of earrings. She also makes a Pretty Woman reference. I imagine she’s one of my blog readers.  Did I call it or what? Leslie is a sixty-year-old trapped in a twenty-something’s body.  “Holy moley” she’s “super duper” excited for the date in the hot car! I can’t even believe this; they’re actually recreating Pretty Woman by going shopping on Rodeo Drive.   And get this, girl doesn’t even order a pizza or get anything for her trampy friend Kit.  While Kit’s stuck on Sunset eating Mai-Tai garnishes for dinner, Leslie is buying mother of the bride dresses at Escada.

Anyway, Neil Lane makes an appearance and Leslie gets more free stuff.  I don’t even know what to say about Leslie on the dinner part of the date, it was like watching paint dry. Sean feels the same way as I do and promptly sends her back to the Blackjack table.  

Meanwhile, back at the Playboy mansion Tierra is eating Cool Ranch Doritos.  God, I freaking love this girl.  

Cat-fight Party

Tierrable is clearly aiming for a role on another reality show. Girl is playing all the games there are to play. She's been the victim, the villain and the manipulator all in one episode.  Catherine makes me cringe when she hands Sean a business card with a kiss c/o her Wet-n-Wild lips on it. Yawn.  

Going home: Tori Amos takes it on the chin.  

Next week, the Bachelor moves the brothel to the wilderness and apparently it's a two-day event. WHAT! Noooooo! Also, can someone please tell me who Jackie is?

Bachelor Episode 3: Sandcastles in the Sand

Bachelor Monday is here! The White Zinfandel of television! Has it really been seven days since we’ve watched America’s best and brightest poker dealers, fitness models and bridal stylists?   

Date 1: Beltway Broad Breaks Record

Lesley, the political consultant, scores the first date with Bachelor Sean. I’m sure Lesley was psyched she chose the shortest, laciest and sluttiest dress the Bachelor stylist had on the rolling rack for her trip to the Guinness Book of World Records Museum. Yawn. Sean’s dad broke a boring record. Blah. People are tall. People are fat. Blah.

Sean brings Lesley through a trap door and they suddenly arrive at a sideshow on Sunset Boulevard – and they’re the stars.  The Bachelor producers gathered about thirteen of fourteen lowlifes and a few museum cleaning people to serve as the “crowd” to watch them break the record for “longest on-screen kiss.” Mid-kiss a couple of creeps in the crowd got horny watching.  They broke the record and somewhere, a man-elf yelled, “Congratulations! World's longest on-screen kiss! Great job, everybody! It's great to be here.”

After the 3 ½ minute kiss, Sean and Les drank champagne and confetti fell from the sky as they broke the record for Bachelor’s cheesiest date.    

Group Date:  Who’s going to win my heart?

Sean does his best Steve Sanders impression and the girls meet at the beach in front of Kelly and Donna’s Venice Beach apartment to toss Frisbees and do cartwheels in the sand.  Sean impresses the girls by doing beach push-ups. Spuds Mackenzie cracks a beer.  Then, out of nowhere, Chris Harrison wakes up on a nearby beach towel from his all-night binge.  Unshaven and in his crumpled clothes from the night before, Chris approaches the Body Glove party and slurs some nonsense about a volleyball game they have to play against each other.  Losers will have zero QT with Sean and be banished back to the mansion for the evening.

For the amount of fitness instructors and six packs abs in the crowd, there was a real void of athletic ability or ponytail holders on the court.   Sadly, someone had to win.  Four hours later, Desiree’s team managed to put 20 points on the board.  The losing gals did not take it well; Leslie H. could not keep a poker face and literally bawled her eyes out.

I’m sorry, but creepy Amanda is not a fitness model. She looks like she should be sitting on a beach boardwalk strumming a guitar singing, “What if god was one of us? Just a slob like one of us?”

Kacie B., who looks like she has a severe case of Pinkeye, takes Sean aside to spew some verbal diarrhea about some petty girl argument going on in the house.  Sean is not into her girl drama. Not looking good for Kacie.

Date 3: Talkin’ Adoption with Ashlee

But, first, all the king’s horses and all the king’s men ran to see Humpty Dumpty fall down the stairs.  Tierra, this season’s Blakely, faked a fall to get some attention from Sean.  Tierra’s a master at these kinds of hoaxes. When she was little, her dad would make her order filet mignon and put a piece of her own hair onto the dish to get the meal for free.

Finally, OCD Ashlee gets her private date and Sean brings her to an abandoned Six Flags and tells her she’s going to have to share her date.  Well, Ash looks like she’s about to shit a brick when she finds this out.  Obviously, she is guilt ridden and embarrassed inside when she realizes she’s making two chronically ill teenagers who also happen to be long lost best friends dream’s come true.  Jesus, can’t they warn us about this tear-jerking stuff in the previews?  

Post amusement park, the pair gets emotional as Ash shares her life story.  I gotta say, Ashlee’s has a pretty inspiring story, but I’m just not feeling her. That shiz got a little too real for the first date. 

These are legit the worst cocktail parties ever. So uncomfortable. Before the official rose ceremony starts, Sean throws Kacie into the back of a limo speeding fast into the friend zone.  

Taryn, the health club manager and Kristy, a girl we haven't seen for a few episodes, are sent home roseless and alone.

Bachelor Episode 2: Addicted to Love

It’s Mansion Monday kids. And look at that, postman Chris just delivered a letter!  Kristy, the Venice Beach Hypercolor t-shirt model, opens the first date card.  

DATE #1:  Sarah, Sean and Spiderman

Sarah, the gal that I can’t make fun of, and that Sean can’t really vote off, gets the first date card.  Mr. super Bachelor Sean makes quite the appearance by picking up Sarah in a choppah! They put on their choppah headsets and smile at each other and say nothing as they circle the city before landing on top of a building. 

Before they can enjoy the view, Sean tells Sarah that if she wants a drink, she has to jump 35 floors off the side of the building to get it. It kind of reminds me of those times when you really want a drink and the only thing left in your liquor cabinet is some dusty warm champagne and bathtub gin but you pour yourself a drink anyway. 

So Sean drags poor Sarah off the building and she screams like Annie being chased up the railroad track ladder by Rooster, Lily and Miss Hannigan. Sadly for Sarah, Punjab and his turban were nowhere to be found. Somehow, they survive, swill a little champagne and change outfits.  Sarah earns the rose.

Date #2 - Harlequin Whores

Thirteen girls embark on a “group date” with Sean on a Harlequin novels cover shoot.  I feel so bad Fifty Shades of Grey girl isn’t here. Poor girl. This is literally her wet dream.  Speaking of that, is it just me or does this entire scenario seem very low-budget porn to anyone else? Not that I’ve ever seen one, but I imagine this “romance novel cover shoot” scenario would be the perfect plot – and Tierra and Kristy would be the perfect film stars. 

Leslie, the “political consultant” read: future Real Housewife of Houston, gets all the vampires, courtesans and ballroom dancers in a tizzy over her cowgal cutie performance.  Meanwhile, a subplot of the D-list models is brewing over landing the cheezy book cover deal.  Naturally, former Robert Palmer backup singer Kristy lands the gig.  

Tierra ate her feelings, Leslie made me cringe, Daniela talked a lot, Selma got her hair tousled at some point and yoga instructor Katie decided to blow the popsicle stand altogether and get back to the mat.  Kacie B. gets the rose for her bravery.

Date #3 – Prank'd

Desiree, the girl with the wedding dress in her closet back home, gets the next date.  Since there are no “dates” left on the Bachelor that haven’t been done before, they decide to take a page from Ashton Kutcher’s 2005 playbook for a Bachelor themed episode of Punk’d.  “Des” is made to think she destroyed a priceless piece of art in the Bachelor pop-up art show.  She’s such a “good sport” about the whole thing that Sean cooks her dinner and brings her back to his place.   I gotta say, girl does seem pretty normal.  Dare I say it? Team DES.

Claws out at the Castle

Meanwhile, back at the ladies' home sewing circle, things are getting weird.  The coven is beginning to realize they're all going for the SAME GUY.  And Sean is realizing that almost all of the girls are attractive and cool.  Save for Amanda, she's got this whole Angela Jolie in Girl Interrupted thing going on.  

Sensitive Sean sends home community organizer Brooke and single mom Diana.

Here's hoping that next week they join with Tru TV for a group date of Killer Karaoke.