Blogging the Bachelor: Fornicating in the Fantasy Suite with Abandoned Ashlee

We’re having S-E-X in Southeast Asia folks! Its Fantasy Suites go to Thailand!

Sean is so“frickin crazy” about all three of these women! What is he going to do?  Well, he’s going to do what every Bachelor does on the second to last episode of this mind numbing show – he’s going to try to take them for a test drive – and pretend that he’s not.

Sexual Predictions: Catherine’s biggest goal in life is being in love, so I’m fairly certain she’ll sleep with him on the date.  AshLee is batshit crazy, so she’ll definitely sleep with him! But I’m sure she’ll pretend that she won’t at first.  Girl has probably had her Victoria’s Secret fantasy suite lingerie outfit planned out since 2011 and she brought a Sade mix CD to play while they do the deed.  After the deed is done, she’ll have a post-coital cry about her daddy issues and then carve a roast chicken.  And…drunk Lindsay will sleep with him, because she’s drunk Lindsay. 

Overnight #1: Before the big overnight date, Sean decides to bring Linds food tasting in Thailand.  That sounds like a great idea.  I’m sure she’s looking forward to spending her night in the Fantasy Suite bathroom.  They ate bugs together and then made out on the beach and tried not to make each other cry.  I was trying not to cry out of boredom until they fed monkeys and risked contracting diseases different from the diseases they’ll be contracting later in the evening.

Next, they head to Attleboro’s La Salette shrine to watch the “It’s a Small World” light show for yet another picnic.  In the midst of Linds trying to drop the “L” bomb a live musical performance begins before their very eyes. Instead of paying them $10 to go away, Sean hornily asks if she’ll dance sexy like that later.  Unfortunately, we never get to see Lindsay’s “traditional Thai dance” but we had to watch her say “I love you” on the futon. 

Overnight #2:  Abandoned AshLee, my least favorite contestant, appears to be wearing a gold-plated necklace that spells out “Respect” – I’m sure this is to mislead America about her intentions in the bedroom later.  If she says “fear of abandonment” one more time I’m turning off the TV.  So they swim under a cave, she freaks out the entire time and they finally find the light at the end of the tunnel.  It kind of reminded me of the time I went to the Blue Grotto in Italy and a Chinese family puked over the side of the small boat we were waiting in for 3 hours in the blistering Italian sun.  

Sean tells Ashlee that he just wants to “talk” in the Fantasy Suites and not do the other things that America thinks he might be interested in doing with her. As she packs up her bag of dominatrix toys she bought on the internets to make sure Sean is hers forever, AshLee pretends like she’s going to say no to the Fantasy Suite.  Obviously, she goes, because she a dirty whore with daddy issues.

Overnight #3:  Catherine and Sean start the date by sailing the seas on a giant red sailboat.  Uh-oh Lindsay, Catherine is the new best friend – cuz she’s such a free spirit! Why is she a free spirit again? Because she skips and laughs sometimes? I’ve been known to throw a perfect cartwheel every now and again, but no one’s ever called me laid back and cool. 

On the boat, Sean looks like he wants to runaway because Catherine seems like she’s actually telling a genuine logical story about her life.  Skip to a really steamy hot kiss in the rain – wow, it actually seemed somewhat passionate.  Catherine played this big innocent game with the Fantasy Suite invite.  Let me tell you something, if it looks like a duck and talks like a duck, it’s probably a duck.  Catherine is not exactly Connecticut Catholic.  However, she did use the word "visceral" which is kind of surprising for a Bachelor contestant. Because of her vocabulary alone, I'm voting for Catherine. 

Video Segment:  This crap is bunk.  Instead of talking about these insipid wannabe debutante's pathetic video messages, I'd like to give you my own section called, "Texts Received During the Show." In this segment, I'll show you texts I received during the show.

Here we go:

"I'd be in the bathroom the entire rest of the date eating at that market."

"Dark Cave? Eff that, bring on the bugs."

"Catherine is fat."

"Did AshLee have her hairline moved forward to make her forehead appear smaller?"

"Did you catch the part where Sean was describing 3 things about Linds and then he said 'you have both' !"


Sending Home a Strumpet:

Sean's sending home the crazy! Guess AshLee's bag of tricks didn't do her any good in the sack.  She appears to be sad, but her plastic surgeon deserves a raise. RESPECT. 

Blogging the Bachelor: Sharing a Bed with Charlie Bucket

Buckle up kids. It’s time to see where these All American role models were born and bred.

Even Daddy Issues are Bigger in Texas

YEEHAW! We’re in Texas y’all.  We’re here to meet abandoned AshLee’s adopted mom and dad.  While Sean and Ash bond over the fact that both of their parents are down with Jesus, Amber and I can’t help but notice that they’re either drinking Yellowtail or Fisheye wine. Barf.

Mr. and Mrs. Frazier seem like nice folks. Mr. Frazier even looks a lot like Mr. Belding. AshLee decides to make viewers across the country cringe as she tells everyone at that the dinner table that they have had a blast all season rolling around in the sand and that she had already told Sean that she loved him.  Girl is smart.  She’s laying it on thick.  

Mr. Belding steals the show by sharing a tear-jerking story about his wife giving birth in an elevator – I mean how he fell in love with his pixie haired daughter the first time he saw her in the foster home. Tear.  Prediction: Girl won’t make it past fantasy suites.

Skeptical in Seattle

We’re hanging with Catherine in Seattle. Yay!!!! Bachelor producers paid some fish mongers to toss giant fish at Sean’s head. I was praying one of those slippery Salmon would slip through Sean's head, but no luck. Catherine keeps up the “cool girl” act and Sean is into it – hook line and sinker.   

Catherine brings Sean back to her pad and there are like 11 people living in 900 square feet.  While Sean put on an apron and sucked up to her grandmother, Kendall and Kylie Jenner sat Charlie Bucket style on Catherine’s twin bed in a room with a stove in it.  Catherine’s sisters were straight up skeptical biatches and the mom didn’t give Sean the blessing he wanted. I mean, who wouldn’t want to give a blessing to a guy dating four gals?  Observation: Girl's family should be begging for a golden ticket. 

Boring in Missouri

Lindsay, the Army brat, welcomes Sean to her hometown in Missouri.  Too bad the Bachelor producers didn’t give Linds a heads-up on Catherine’s fun date. Linds brought Sean antiquing and for a warm beer in a weird restaurant. Sean is straight-up scurred to meet Lindsay’s 8-star General dad.  Boy is sweating.  Since there was absolutely nothing to do in Lindsay’s boring town, Sean was ordered to don a mock turtleneck and participate in some contrived Bachelor boot camp.

Lindsay talks about how protective her dad is.  Sean decides to tell her family that their daughter decided to show up on the first day in a wedding dress.  Thank god he left out how plastered she was.  Through quivers and sweats, Sean asks General Missouri for his blessing.  He gets it, somehow, and a pair of dog tags for the road.  

Hot-Headed in Hollywood

Des brings Sean hiking in the Hollywood Hills to start off the Hometown Date.  Sadly, no mountain lions or coyotes chased Sean and his Nantucket Red knickers through the canyons.  Desiree’s family decided to meet back at her place, because if you remember, her family dwells in tents in the wilderness.  Then, out of nowhere, Desiree’s ex-boyfriend shows up and crashes their date. No wait – it was just a joke!  Des’s family is so LA in 1967 – Roxanne and Tony looked like they had just come from a Joan Baez concert and smoked up in their VW van outside before hitting the hometown party.   

Des’s bro is straight-up street; he’s fresh from selling smack on Sunset and about to lay another kind of smack down on Sean.  Nate is not having this whole Bachelor bullshiz, and clenches his tattooed fists while flashing Sean his crazy eyes and his crystal meth smile.

Rose Bowl

Sean can barely make it through the rose ceremony without heading back into the Bachelor study to glance at their senior pictures and wait for Jacob Marley to guide him through his decision. Despite her desperate pleas, Sean sends home delightful Desiree.  

Blogging the Bachelor Episode 6: Daddy Issues

We’re in St. Croix this week kids! It’s that episode before the hometown dates.  You know, the episode after all the interesting and diverse girls are gone.  In short, the episode when the Bachelor dry humps each girl on the beach.  

I really hope they don’t work Valentines Day cheese into this episode.  Speaking of cheese, I wish they’d give Tierra a bag of Cheetos for every time she was lounging in her Kohl’s t-shirt on the couch.

Cringe Cringle:  Girl Interrupted

Ashley, who wasn’t wanted by her parents and talks about it every second, gets the first date.  Is it just me or is this girl Serious Sally?   Oh, yay she wants to share more! Yay! I love people that overshare on national television.  In a nutshell, Ashley used to be complete WT. Something about being married when she was 17, whatever, her performance was far more dramatic than the actual facts.  Girl set it up like she was going to Walk to Remember this guy and tell him she was going die in 14 days.  Turns out the girl was just a promiscuous teenager who I have the distinct feeling is now a 32-year-old with a creepy doll collection in her basement and a chicken carcass under her bed. 

Date 2: Tierra the Terrible

Tierra is extra whiney today. She’s hot, cranky and thirsty! Sean takes Tierra the toddler shopping in the marketplace and buys her a snow cone and a cheap bracelet just to make her stop talking.  Girl acted like she was shopping at Saks. Ever shop on an island? That shiz cray.  No one wants that stuff, you just buy it because the woman’s seven children are all staring at you from under the folding table. 

Let the games begin, Tierra hears there’s been some mad shiz talking and she’s bringing out the big guns.  She drops the LOVE bomb.  Sadly, I think her version of LOVE is the same kind she has most Friday and Saturday nights with different gentleman callers.  

Group Date: Sun’s Out, Guns Out

Charming Sean sneaks in to the girl’s room at 5:00 a.m. to take pictures of the girls without makeup on. Umm…cuz that’s normal right? What’s next? Sunday cellulite checks?  Will he steal all the self tanner in the apartment? Stand them all up on pedestals under harsh fluorescent lights and circle the fat spots on their bodies with a sharpie? What?

Desiree, who admitted last week that she had a rough upbringing, impresses Sean with her feral Mogli the Jungle Boy knot tying and rope swinging ways.  Also, Sean seems really impressed with Lindsay’s “depth” – really? If this girl is deep, I’m the leader of my own cult. This girl showed up in wedding dress for christsakes.

Speaking of big guns, calm, cool Catherine went with the abused family member storyline instead of the tried and true “I’m falling for you” that usually happens at this point in the season.  Dez starts crying Claire Danes style as she talks about how “happy” her family is. Girl, take your meds.

Politically Consulting Leslie

Leslie, literally, like, seriously, loves her Lake House. She like, wants to tell him, like, that, literally, she’s falling in love with him, like literally.  She like totally wants to do whatever with him, like at her Lake House.  She talks about the “natural progression” of their relationship, which is like a girl asking if you think she’s pretty. You’re like “of course” yes, I love your outfit, and you’re gorgeous!   They showed us about 43 seconds of their mindnumbing date, before bringing Sean's sister Shay to the party.

Game Over

Ashlee and Tierra exchange some harsh words and upon Sean's "surprise" entrance, Tierra turned on the waterworks.  While Tierra showed America her finger tattoos, Christmas Tree Shoppe flip-flops and chipped fingernails, Sean rubbed her back and secretly got turned on by her crazy. As turned on as he was, he asked her to go home anyway.  Thank god, did you want to see that girl's house? Place is probably a kitty litter palace of empty bud heavy cans and family dinners of sketti and ketchup.

We're going home with Lindsay, Dez, Catherine and Ashlee.  Leslie's heading back to the Beltway!