Down the Rabbit Hole

Cuddles and Bubbles with Ben

2012-02-27T22:25:00.000-05:00

Well kids, the hills are alive with the sounds of lovemaking this week on The Bachelor. It’s the creepy Fantasy Suite episode!

Tonight, I was down at Brian’s grandmother’s house. After explaining my Bachelor blog situation, she insisted that we turn the train wreck on immediately. Her thoughts on Bachelor Ben: “I wouldn’t even want to keep him in a closet, he looks like a moose.”

Amber, my equally sarcastic sis, guest blogged Nikki’s date for me this evening, here she is with her short recap:

Ben meets Nikki in a lovely field with goats in Switzerland. They enjoy a picnic and then a helicopter swoops in and whisks them to the top of the Alps. I was just waiting to see Julie Andrews out of the corner of my eye, spinning in a circle and singing at the top of her lungs, but no dice. All kidding aside, it's freaking beautiful up there.

They land the helicopter on the edge of a cliff (literally the edge, it looked like it was gonna fall to a fiery death). And have yet another picnic - whatever Nikki is super cute and bubbly and normal and Ben will probably screw it up anyway. Then they go to a log cabin and Nikki gets an invite to spend the night with creepy Ben. Nikki, who now understands she’s going to have to go through with this staying overnight situation gets really liquored up and jumps in the hot tub professing her love for him. So I'm guessing she's goin home...

Okay, Rhi is back…

If Ben jumped off a bridge would you?

Lindzi, who really needs to get her roots done and fix a few flyaway hairs, trots towards Ben awaiting her next Bachelor adventure. The producers must really hate this poor girl because she’s in for another death defying drop! At least she’s allowed to keep most of her clothes on this time. Instead of jumping out of a helicopter, she gets to repel 300 feet down a gorge. Aren’t we past the adventure dates yet? Oh and Ben lovers, if you swooned over the beefcake in a cowboy hat, wait til’ you see him in a rock-climbing helmet with a camera mounted to the top of it.

After Lindzi makes it to solid ground she’s instructed to disrobe and immediately get in the Swiss hot tub. After a sensual soak, it’s dinnertime, and Bennie boy is wearing a bow tie to the table. Once again, the dinner conversation is riveting. He repeatedly congratulates Lindz on being really “open” and “vulnerable”. Is this all this guy has to talk about?

Before he lets her eat anything, Ben immediately hands her an invitation and an antique key and invites her to stay “as a couple” in The Bachelor fantasy suite. “As a couple” is ABC’s way of teaching teenage girls watching The Bachelor to only accept keys to fantasy suites if you’re going to be “doing it” as a “couple”.

Don’t you wish every one-night stand or bedroom invite happened like that? There you are, overserved and slurring outside a bar with the dude you’ve been sloppily kissing in a corner most of the night, when he hands you an antique key and an invite to his “fantasy suite.”

While America cringes and hides under their coffee tables, Lindzi announces that she likes where this fantasy suite date is going. Just when you think the camera is going to pan away and we can all imagine Ben and Lindzi making baby colts in the Swiss adventure suite, we get a voyeuristic view of Lindzi and Ben’s lovemaking.

Hey Cow!

Oh, hello! Courtney and her baby voice are on the loose in the Swiss Alps. Ben has planned a “Swiss” date for Courtney that includes a train ride and you guessed it, a picnic! Meanwhile, somewhere on a horse farm in Florida Lindzi is throwing things at her television.

After the train ride, while Court & Ben are enjoying their 3^rd picnic together of the season, Ben shows off his “garden gnome” jig. Ben also tells Court about this awesome game he and his sister used to play called “Hey Cow”. To participate in a game of “HEY COW” one must simply scream “HEY COW” at poor helpless grazing cows and if they turn around, you win. Ben’s evil little game kind of reminded me of a game my sister and I used to play called “sock balls”. The premise of “sock balls” is simple: take off your socks, roll them into balls and throw them as hard as you can at each other.

Forgoing their Rooms

So Ben & Court talk about her bad behavior and then she gets handed the key to the fantasy suite. They then go back to North Conway’s log cabin Adventure Suite and make out in a barrel.

Question: Is Ben bored with these girls, void of a personality or just plain stupid? Maybe he’s just a perv that went on The Bachelor to have 3 guaranteed nights in a “fantasy suite” with 3 very hot ladies.

Outcome: Like the spoiler alert I read 3 months ago said, Lindzi and Courtney get the rose. Looks like Nikki’s back to cleaning teeth.

Sandpaper Chic at the 2012 Oscars

2012-02-26T20:33:00.000-05:00

Kristen Wiig's mother clearly did not read Color Me Beautiful to her before she went to sleep like my mother did. The funny lady has worn a different variation of nude to the last 4 awards shows. As I've written before, Jane wouldn’t let a pale pink or off-white shade near me during the 80’s and 90’s. My “color personality” is a “cool winter” and I should be wearing “subtle” colors like fire engine red, fuchsia and royal purple. Kristen should really have Jane do her color wheel for her.

I always have very strong feelings about Gwyneth. She's one of those celebs that irritates me beyond belief some days, and on other days I kind of love her. I have a really hard time with her whole cooking show, Goop website & singing activities. But this Tom Ford ensemble makes me want to freak out from fashion excitement. I honestly think it's my favorite red carpet dress ever.

Ugh, I don't care if you're a size 2 or 22, this dress is awful. This frock is what fancy women wear while they do their makeup and sit at their vanity before they put on their actual dress.

Who are you? Not sure, but I'm still going to judge your outfit. I keep going back in forth on this look. I love the structured jacket, the belt and the multi-tiered skirt. But, would this look better on someone in Betty White's age range? It would also make a great mother of the bride gown.

I love Rooney Mara. I loved Girl with the Dragon Tattoo and I love a little edge on the red carpet. I usually hate bangs, but I'm coveting hers.

A few other observations: The peplum look is blowing up, Angelina & Brad look like wax versions of themselves and Giuliana Rancic killed it. I was also excited to see Decades owner Cameron Silver sitting with the E gals cuz I met him at a party once. Sorry, I had to throw that in there.

Downtown Crossing Dreams

2012-02-22T09:37:00.001-05:00

Photo: WBUR

Oh, Downtown Crossing, I’m so sick of you and the boring ideas everyone has to develop you.

Why is everyone pretending they want Downtown Crossing turned into a wannabe Burlington Mall? Whole Foods, Trader Joes & Nordstrom – BLAHHH. Aren’t there enough of these around town already? I’m starting to think avocados should actually cost $3 a piece and that every meal I eat should be served from a salad bar. My life is becoming a mid-level Vegas buffet.

Speaking of Vegas, Downtown Crossing is already the armpit of Boston, why don’t we just settle this Casino debate in Massachusetts already? The downstairs of the vacant Borders looks like it was made for slot machines. Am I right? I’ll tell you one thing I wouldn’t mind doing on my lunch hour – gambling. A chance to escape from my cubicle hell everyday with free drinks and 25-cent slots! Sign me up.

It's like it was made for slot machines.

Could a packed strip sprinkled with a Hooters, Bubba Gump Shrimp Co., Dave & Busters, a wax museum and an ESPN Sports Zone be any worse than what we’ve been looking at for the past decade?

Or how about going total Coney Island style camp? Imagine a sick Dream Machine arcade glistening under the shadow of a half-assed amusement park. Maybe even rip up the concrete, truck in some sand and throw down a nice little Boardwalk. Washington Street is halfway there, the concrete boulevard is already peppered with street meat and t-shirt stands.

Photo: WiredNY

All we’ll need is to add a few hot dog carts, a roller-skating rink and a bowling alley. Wet Seal, Payless, Tello’s, Foot Locker, Rainbow, the pen store on Bromfield – they can all stay. We’ll just add in a few fancier boutiques a la Frederick’s of Hollywood, Hot Topic and maybe even a Piercing Pagoda. The place would be a mecca of trashy shopping.

The city could even make a few bucks off of Downtown Xings current apocalypse aesthetic. The place already resembles a warzone; it would make a perfect paintball or laser tag course.

But really, can’t we just forget about the Filenes legacy altogether and finish bulldozing the eyesore and plant some freaking grass. Would that be so awful?

Note: Thanks to Dan, Chris, Laura & Amber for your colorful commentary.

Beating a Dead Horse

2012-02-20T22:03:00.000-05:00

It’s the hometown dates episode!

Lindzi, who traded her Old Navy dress for some spurs, bringsBen home to introduce him to her horse boyfriends, Black Beauty, Seabiscuit& Mr. Ed. Ben says he’s unfamiliar with horses and never imagined them tobe a big part of his life, well buddy, saddle up.

Lindzi talks about her first horse boyfriend and brings Benon a Chariots of Fire type journey around the ranch. They sit down for a picnic and Ben shows offhis amazing conversation skills. Hekeeps remarking on how impressed he is that Lindzi was dumped before. Buddy, we’ve all been effing dumped,hard. Lindzi says that she feels vulnerableand admits that vulnerable is also a very big word for her. Makes sense, she's used to words like “horse” “hoof” “mane” and “trot”.

Just when you thought you’d never see a bigger tool thanBen, we meet Lindzi’s dad Harry. Hechallenges Ben to a carriage race – I guess that’s their version of a littleone-on-one basketball. I gotta be honest,Harry seems like that guy in your office you try to avoid at the watercooler.

Lindzi’s mom says she kept her daughter so busy withcheerleading and horses that Lindz didn’t have much time to date (humans) whileHarry bragged about all of Lindzi’s horse and dog siblings.

Bible Belt Morals

Kacie B. rounds up her old high school marching band andtries to impress Ben with her baton twirling skills. He says he loved it, but I have to be honest,it seems like he hated it and thought it was weird. Kacie gives Ben a quick history of her family,who all sound lovely, and Ben looks like he’s looking for a horse to jump onand ride out of there. Mid-story he sighsand pulls a bottle of booze out of his pocket. In this moment, Kacie tells Ben that there will definitely not be anopen bar at the meeting with her straight edge parents. My sister Amber reminded me of an aproposChelsea Handler quote, “There are two types of people I don’t trust: people whodon’t drink & people who collect stickers.”

Ben tells Kacie’s dad about how The Bachelor has helped himtalk about his feelings. Well, this goesover like a lead balloon. Kacie B’s dad doesn’t strike me as a guy that talksabout feelings or watches reality television for that matter. In summary: KacieB.’s family basically sabotage the entire show for Kacie by scaring the shizout of Ben during his night at their dry campus.

Can you imagine the fight that ensued at casa de Kacie assoon as the cameras stopped rolling?

Fort Worth Fiasco

Nikki, the dental hygienist, welcomes Ben to Fort Worth, TX. She immediately outfits him in a cowboyboots, a belt and a hat. I just wantedto rip his greasy hair and push it under the hat. If you happen to be turned on by guys incowboy hats, you should really fast forward through Nikki’s hometown date, Benis going to ruin it for you.

Nikki’s parents look exactly like Kacie B.’s parents butthey seem way nicer. They’re so happyfor her and supportive. Thank god she’snot going to win the show. We don’t needreality television to ruin this nice little family.

Scrumpets inScottsdale

Courtney introduces Ben to her fake family that she hiredfor this episode. She says it’s a big dealfor her to bring a guy home. Makes sense, it’s usually the other way around; guysbring her home every night.

Court’s dad, who is wearing an argyle sweater in the desertand resembles Bob Barker, tries to talk tough with Ben. While Court’s mom, who’sno stranger to the botox needle seems a little skeptical about Big Ben, butplays nice for the camera. After theyleave the movie set, Ben & Court recite vows (hers plagiarized from a Sex& The City episode) at some sort of fake wedding ceremony which Courtneyorganized during her time off from her stay at McLean hospital.

Result: Kacie B. is sent home so Ben doesn't have to feel weird about pressuring her to go past second base next episode. See you in Europe next week!

You Can Dance If You Want To at Heroes

2012-02-15T16:24:00.002-05:00

Chris Ewen and Terri Niedzwiecki know how to throw a party – and everyone is invited. On Saturday, February 25th, tease your hair, brush up on your Safety Dance and get your friends – gay, straight, young and old onto Chris and Terri’s “Heroes” dance floor. The new wave Saturday night dance party at TT the Bear’s Place is once again up for Best Dance Night in the Boston Phoenix BEST 2012 Readers Poll. VOTE HERE.

“Heroes” is nothing new, if you know anything about Boston's nightclub history, you might even know Chris & Terri. The dynamic duo met decades ago at Ground Zero and then continued working together at a little place called ManRay. Ever heard of it? Well, ManRay was one of the first clubs around to have a little band called Nirvana play on their stage. There, the Heroes formula – a combination of 80s new wave, retro, electro, punk, old school, Goth, and industrial - was invented.

After ManRay closed, “Heroes” hit the road. With Chris dropping beats and Terri pouring drinks, the “Heroes” dance night journeyed through clubs like Toast, Axis and finally landed at TT the Bear’s Place in Central Square.

This week, I sat down with Chris and Terri to find out what “Heroes” is all about. I wanted the real story behind the night that has twenty-something’s holding their Iphones in the air Shazaming songs like they just don’t care, and forty-something’s feeling like twenty years haven’t passed.

DTRH: Can you share your top ten favorite tracks to keep the Heroes dance floor packed?

DJ Chris Ewen: There's too much great music from that time, so it's almost impossible to narrow it down to a "Top 10"...these are a few of my favorite floor-fillers!

In no particular order: Joy Division: Love Will Tear Us Apart, New Order - Age Of Consent, Siouxsie & The Banshees - Hong Kong Garden, The Violent Femmes: Add It Up, Billy Idol - Rebel Yell, Dancing With Myself, MADONNA, David Bowie - "Heroes", Sound + Vision, Rebel Rebel. Also, electro artists like Yelle, M83, Ladytron, Hercules & Love Affair, Robyn & Lady Gaga...I could go on, but will stop here!

DTRH: What does one wear to Heroes?

Chris: One can wear what one wants...there isn't a dress code. But I personally love it when people dress up to go out to a nightclub, especially "Heroes". We get people who dress in 80s outfits - geometric prints, big hair, etc., some New Romantic or Punk outfits, some Goth attire...it's kind of all over the place. The atmosphere is really very warm and accepting, and the crowd is very diverse, so you can wear what you feel comfortable in. Yes, we do have people in jeans and t-shirts too, but do not worry...no one will judge you!

DTRH: What kind of drinks can we expect from an Evil Dark Drink Slinger?

Terri: Secret drinks are Red Death, Vampire, and Grateful Dead. You can sense a theme going on here. And no, I tell no one what is in them. But, I will say vodka... good Polish girl that I am.

DTRH: Heroes has certainly stood the test of time. Though many have tried to mimic the Heroes formula – no one can compete. How did Heroes come about?

Chris: I guess the secret to the success of "Heroes" is that there was never really a formula beyond playing a lot of great 80s music, and exposing people to some artists and songs they may not have heard before, or had forgotten about but remembered they secretly loved! I started "Heroes" at ManRay way before it became trendy to revive the 80s...it was an experiment I pushed to make happen. Back then, it was initially called Chris' New Wave Party. I mixed some 80s music with indie rock, and some more underground dance music to create an eclectic and different experience from the other gay nights and clubs around town, which were usually all about house, techno, disco and top 40. It caught on, became a regular ManRay Saturday night event, and has, of course, evolved over time, including the name change to "Heroes", which is an homage to David Bowie's album of the same name.

DTRH: Can anyone dance up on stage? Some of the Heroes regulars look like extras from a Duran Duran video – how can we compete with that?

Chris: What do you mean, "extras"? They look like they could be the stars a Duran Duran video! Anyone can dance on the stage, of course. "Heroes" is all for everyone casting aside their inhibitions and having fun. And if you want to be noticed, put a little effort into looking fabulous!

In summary: You haven’t truly lived until you’ve spent a Saturday night dancing your pants off at TT the Bear’s Place for “Heroes” new wave dance party. The next “Heroes” is happening on Saturday, February 25th with the MADONNA “Give Me All Your Luvin” CD Single Release Party. So…I’ll see you there?

VOTE for Heroes in the Phoenix Poll!

Best Dance Night: "HEROES"

Best DJ: Chris Ewen

Best Bartender: Teresa Niedzwiecki

Blogging the Bachelor: Human Shark Chum

2012-02-13T21:57:00.001-05:00

I googled "spring break shark attack" to get this awesome image.

Ugh, is it Monday already?

This week, Benny brings the 6babes to Belize! The 4 lucky gals that make it through the harrowingweek will get to bring Ben home to mom and dad. I can’t even imagine what my mom would say about bachelor Ben and hisfloppy hair.

So who’s left?

The Horse Whisperer, TheBlack Widow, The Darling Divorcee, the Blonde with Bangs, The Smart Pretty One& The Innocent Southern Majorette

Bring your Green Pants

The resident equestrian getsthe first date. The creepy couple hop ina ‘copter and keep the door open. Ummm….if being in a helicopter isn’t scary enough, doing it with the door open makesit much easier. And because this isprime time television, and because Lindzi is deathly afraid of heights, they haveto jump out of it.

Of course they’re not justjumping anywhere, they’re jumping into Belize’s famed “blue hole,” not to beconfused with the black hole of reality show has-beens that they’ll immediatelybe sucked into after this mess is over. All I can think of is how bruised her body is going to be if she landswrong. Obviously, they survive the dateand the show cuts to Lindzi wearing her best dress from Old Navy and glossypink Wet N’ Wild lip-gloss while continuing her date with Ben on the pier.

For their second dateactivity, they write a message in a bottle. But, instead of a message they decide to write an obnoxious “fairy tale”about a mystical woman who’s in love with a horse but a dopey Prince is tryingto get her attention. It wasn’t reallyabout that, but I had to fast forward what they were saying, it wasembarrassing. They then drop the bottle3 inches from the dock for the resort’s hired hands to find in the morning.

Date 2 Emily

Ben & Emily leave theresort and live it up in Belize. Theyride bikes, join a game of pick-up bball with some locals (scary) and walkaround barefoot, shop and then – there’s always a catch, excuse the pun; shehas to dive for her own food. Emily isawesome. I’m fairly certain after catching my lobster and holding it up for the cameras, I’dstart choking on my snorkel and have snot all over my face. But, she looks gorgeous and pretty for thecameras, god I love Emily. They dancewith the locals, blah, eat their lobsters, blah, talk about feelings blah.Overall, I think it went well for Ms. Emily.

The Black Widow

Meanwhile, Courtney, who youmay remember from New Zealand’s smash hit reality show Treasure Island Couples at War, is stressed that she hasn’t gotten another one-on-one date. But, of course, she’s gets the next date.

She does baby talk, and theygo on a hike to some Mayan ruins. He feels bad that it’s “been tough” forCourtney. It’s sweet that he realizeshow tough skinny-dipping in Vieques & stalking him outside his hotel roomwas for Court.

She tries to outsmart Benwith an ultimatum tactic. She plays thevictim and says she won’t accept a rose from Ben if he’s seriously consideringEmily, cuz the blond biatch was such a meanie to Courtney! Easy Taylor Swift,no one’s mean to you. Ben is an idiot, sohe obviously buys it – for now. But, thered flags go up when Court starts pushing.

Group Date – Kacie B., Rachel & Nicki

Ben surprises the 3 (un)lucky group date girls at 5 a.m., while they’re still sleeping. The girls are horrified and have to get readyin 10 minutes - cut to the cameras filming the girls shaving their armpits andbaby making areas. Weird. Anyway, theyreport for date duty and Ben surprises the girls with a fun filled day of beinghuman shark chum.

While Kacie B. & Nicki swim with the sharks, Rachel picks her wedge, showsoff her tramp stamp and looks for a good place on the boat to vomit or put abullet in her head. Ben eventually coaxes Rachel into the water & the girls get mad thatRachel monopolized Ben’s attention. I honestly think he was afraid the girl wasgoing to start hysterically losing it and cause a giant shark attack.

After they survive the almostshark attack, they do the sister wife thing and take turns making out with Benand telling him how much they care about him. He gives Kacie B. the rose and then they all sit around and gossip aboutthe Black Widow.

Rose Ceremony

No cocktail party, Ben knowswhat he wants!

Nicki, Lindzi, Courtney and Kacie B. get the rose. Emily and Rachel are headed home - without Ben. What an idiot.

Call Your Stylist

2012-02-13T16:05:00.001-05:00

Robyn at the 2012 Grammy Awards
Photo: Getty Images

I've thought of wearing my platform workboots and white satin table runner before, but in my defense, I had just left the oral surgeon after having my wisdom teeth taken out. I'll have you know - I LOVE Robyn. You haven't lived if you haven't blasted Robyn's "Dancing On My Own" and danced like you really were on your own. Of course you never are, people are laughing at your weird dance moves and your husband/ boyfriend/significant other just doesn't get it. In summary, her blue collar futuristic Swedish Tilda Swinton look just isn't doing it for me.

Gaga, Miranda Lambert, Blake Shelton
Photo: Celebuzz

I've heard of meth face, but mesh face? Really Gaga? Maybe it's a theme, last year she came in an egg, and this year she has hatched into a chicken that is now wrapped up in mesh and for sale in your local grocer's freezer. And not just any chicken, King Chicken! That said, I will continue to be your committed Little Monster.

Flex Appeal?

2012-02-10T14:17:00.000-05:00

Photo: Terry Richardson for Equinox

Equinox is at it again. The luxury gym chain, of which I’m a card carrying member, is no stranger to racy advertisements. However, they’ve really raised the bar (err…stripper pole) this resolution season with their rated (R) ad campaign. Some might say its tongue in cheek. I’d personally call it a little more ‘tongue in mouth’. No surprises here, fashion photog Terry Richardson, who counts Lady Gaga as a muse, was the man behind the camera lens.

The ads feature scantily clad gaunt gals with “come hither” looks on their faces. You get the feeling that they’re about to hop onto more than an elliptical.

Now, let me be clear, I’m no prude, but these advertisements actually make me blush a little bit. I'm sure I'm not alone, the Boston gym is packed with a bunch of Volvo driving, Whole Foods shopping, lululemon wearing squares. I don’t know if the clientele in NYC, Miami and LA consists of off-the-clock Victoria’s Secret models and VIP cocktail waitresses but in Boston, it sure looks like a lot of accountants.

Well, apparently sex sells gym memberships to straight-edged yuppies. Who knew? Let’s work out! Check out all the ads in Refinery 29's slideshow.

Oh, and, I almost forgot, Happy Valentine’s Day from Equinox!

Photo: Equinox.com

Blogging The Bachelor: Salsa & Scrapbooking in Panama City

2012-02-06T22:02:00.001-05:00

Is it just me or does this guy get less and less attractive each week? Am I really cheating on Chuck and Blair with this tool?

Anyway, Ben brings the gals down to Panama City where they all shack up at the new Trump place.

Date Card 1 – Kacie B

The two lovebirds hop in a helicopter and Ben brings Kacie to a private island owned by his vampire mother Esme.

What would you pack for a mystery date on a “deserted” island with The Bachelor and a camera crew? Well, Kacie B. brought a stuffed animal and a bag of candy. Is this girl eleven years old heading out for a sleepover? She must’ve been really surprised when Ben pulled a machete out of his bag. Umm…if this wasn’t a pre-taped reality television show I’d think this poor southern belle was stuck on a deserted island with a madman serial killer.

Date 2 – Rainforest Group Date

While Ben winds his banana boat through the river, the girls pretend to be excited. You know they were really hanging on for dear life, just wondering what kind of creatures lurked in that muddy rainforest river.

They “come upon” a tribe in the rainforest and all get outfitted in clothes that Panamanian rainforest tribe people appearing on Bachelor episodes wear.

Highlights: Bare-chested Courtney scares the loin-clothed children, shakes her tatas and talks a lot about taking her clothes off. Meanwhile, the rest of the ladies halfheartedly paint tribal tattoos on each other and dance like the entire country isn’t watching them on national television.

Back at the cocktail hour portion of the date, Courtney offers to take her clothes off again, Emily makes a joke, Ben laughs, Emily & Courtney exchange words. But it’s all for nothing, Lindzi the horse whisperer earns the early rose.

Date 3 – 2 on 1

Rachel, the blonde with the bangs, is kind of an emotional wreck and she’s definitely not into this salsa dancing threesome. Blakeley is super excited about this because her and the rest of the “VIP Cocktail waitresses” had a “salsa” routine that they used to do in Atlantic City on Sundays when the “VIP” restaurant she danced at had a prime rib special. I made that up. She is excited though.

The salsa dance date kind of reminds me of the thousand dollars Brian and I threw out the window at the Arthur Murray Dance Studio to learn how to dance for our wedding. There were lots of 1-2-3’s that we pretended to understand but never really did - kind of like Rachel. Meanwhile, Blakeley danced like Cha-Cha from Grease.

Clearly, Blakeley brought her scrapbooking supplies with her on the trip and made Benny boy a memory book. Ben is scurred of the masterpiece and decides to choose Rachel instead. He sends Blakeley back to the trailer park.

Hoodwinked

Finally, the drama we’ve been waiting for. What happens with Casey S???? Well, I just watched it and I’m not even really sure. Her and her denim jumpsuit leave with Chris the host and he accuses her of hoodwinking the producers!!! She rambles a lot, some he said/she said about an ex-boyfriend. Chris doesn’t buy her story and makes her repeat her nonsensical story to Ben. Also, we find out that she is a gross crier because Ben sends her packing, Lame, we all know that she just wanted her 15 minutes of fame.

Scary…

I refuse to address what Jamie did at the end of the episode. Luckily, we never have to see her do anything creepy like that again.

Next bikini stop: Belize

Blogging the Bachelor: Love & Baseball in Puerto Freako

2012-01-30T22:54:00.000-05:00

Emily is gorgeous, uses words like vapid, speaks Spanish and is a gosh darn PHd student. MOVE ON from this disaster. You’re too smart for this shiz. Umm…can I marry Emily?

Date with Nicki -

It rained, they got wet, and they bought new clothes. Ben envisions himself in “white threads” and makes it happen. He thinks he has “Latin swagger”. Umm… nope, you have no swagger. No Latin kind, no Sonoma kind, no swagger whatsoever.

Ben and Nicki muse about weddings and marriage and Ben says, “I want a big wedding, whenever that day might come.” Umm…I’m not trying to be a know-it-all but isn’t the point of this show for you to get married? ABC probably already has the Bachelor wedding on its schedule. I’m sure Nikki was psyched that all of her makeup melted off during her date on national television. I’m also sure she was super happy to share the dirty details of her failed marriage during her date.

Underdog

Blakeley, the show’s hairdresser/VIP cocktail waitress, (who highlighted Emily’s hair last week) is kind of my underdog pick at this point. The rest of the cast, like me, has realized her blue-collar resourcefulness.

Baseball Date

The date card says, “Diamonds are a girl’s best friend.” Again, Emily is ahead of the curve, by catching on to the baseball metaphor. The other girl’s probably still think there is some sort of jewelry involved in this baseball date. There was some sort of baseball game. Obviously, Emily is good at baseball and Blakeley and her blue-collar scrappiness made a few hits. Courtney did baby talk and made sexy eyes at Ben.

Lindzi is the MVP - she’s “playing on both teams” I’ll leave that one alone. Despite the blue team’s grit, the models/actresses (red team) won the game and their prize is the honor of hanging out with sweaty Ben at the beach party.

Blakeley took the loss really hard – it was like watching Geena Davis and Lori Petty out there. The rest of the Rockford Peaches seemed dejected as well, but poor Blakeley seemed like she was about to get traded to Racine.

“Beach Party”

It was boring. Courtney didn’t get the rose so she offered to take her clothes off. But, Blakeley is the stripper?

Elyse the Personal Trainer

Banging body, weird eyebrows, big hoop earrings, seems like a nice girl and she’s wayyyyy too hot for Ben. She says “like” a lot and quit her job for this douche that wears his hair in a center part. I think Ben was sick of her saying “like” so he suggested they jump off the top of the boat. She dug her own grave during the dinner date while I cringed and had my finger on the fast forward button. It was sad, but she could find someone a lot hotter. Am I right? Maybe Blakeley, the jack-of-all-trades will even fix her eyebrows before she leaves.

Ben + Elyse = mismatch

Rulebreakers

Courtney said “nightcap” eight times and broke the “Bachelor” rules by stalking him and waiting outside his hotel room door. After she got him liquored up, she lured him out to the beach to drop trou and do intimate things in the ocean. Gross.

.....

No rose for Jennifer, the redheaded stepchild that hiccups when she cries.

Next stop: Panama City, Panama

The episode was brought to you by W Hotels.

SAG Fashion

2012-01-29T22:28:00.001-05:00

Zoe Saldana

Photo: AP

Zoe will always be Center Stage's angry ballerina to me. Girl is looking hot in Givenchy Haute Couture. I'm kind of obsessed. The top is to die for.

Kyra Sedgwick

Photo: AP

Nice tat. Way to trash up a Pucci dress. Wait, there's a story. Kyra is "paying tribute to her husband Kevin Bacon and their two children with her new family tattoo." Ummm... okay, sure.

Lea Michele

Photo: Celebuzz

Gag. A smart man once told me to never trust someone with two first names. Something about Lea Michele just rubs me the wrong way. She never gets her hair done, poses like a fool and always dresses like she's 10 years older than she is. It's like she thinks she's Sofia Vergara or something.

Stacy Keibler

Photo: Getty Images

And this is how you wear a black lace dress folks. Oh, and George doesn't look half bad either. Stacy is making it happen in Marchesa. There's really nothing sexier than a Hollywood collarbone.

Kristen Wiig

Photo: Getty Images

If you can answer why Kristen Wiig is wearing a halter dress with a choker necklace, maybe you can also answer why I'm the only person on earth that didn't think Bridesmaids was funny. I never did like scatological humor. Back to the dog collar, yeah, I don't get it.

Michelle Williams

I think Michelle could've skipped the high-end stripper heels and put ona brighter shade of lipstick, but you really can’t go wrong wearing redValentino. Jen Lindley would be proud.

Boom Sha Clack Clack

2012-01-27T16:30:00.000-05:00

Listen: Concrete Wall by Zee Avi

One of my dreams is to a hold a bunch of people hostage in a room for a couple of hours and make them listen to my music, and my music only. I guess what I’m trying to say is that my lifelong dream is to DJ a party. Aim high kids!

But really, listen to the song above, it’s awesome. It’s probably the sort of song someone who bombs around the city with a yoga mat strapped to her back should be listening to instead of Jay-Z and Kanye’s Watch the Throne. Guilty as charged. God, I hate people like me.

If you like what you hear, go see Zee Avi live on February 22nd at Great Scott in Allston. Yeah, I know, I don’t want to go to Allston either.

Chuck and Blair fans, does this song sound familiar? That’s because it was on Gossip Girl 2 weeks ago. Yup, I’m 30.

Blogging the Bachelor: Love Lockdown

2012-01-16T22:13:00.001-05:00

Love Lockdown

The emotional wrecks head down to San Francisco to get a glimpse of Ben’s life in Stephanie and Michelle Tanner’s town.

Before Ben works his date magic, we’re introduced to his sister. Ben’s sis is lovely, supportive and looks good on camera. She also pretends that she might actually be friends with the girl his brother meets on a reality TV show and marries.

Date #1

Emily – (my underdog pick from last week)

Sink or swim kids! Emily is invited to scale the Bay Bridge with Ben. The poor girl, like me, is afraid of heights. Ummm… if I were Emily, I would’ve told the guy who drove the the van over to the bridge to pull over so I could just jump right off it and spare myself the embarrassment off peeing myself on national television. If I did make it up there, they probably wouldn’t be able to show any of the footage, because I’d be swearing like a sailor the entire time.

But, of course Emily sucked it up and climbed the bridge. At dinner after, she commits three date mistakes:

Red flag: Talking about prior relationships

Red flag 2: Talking about the perils of online dating

Red flag 3:Talking about almost dating a family member

However, none of the red flags get raised because the aphrodisiacs still hadn’t worn out from their adventure date

Overall, it was a perfect manufactured date (dinner, champagne, fireworks, making out.)

Note: Courtney, (who’s awkwardly wearing a Missoni scarf) thinks the smart girls are boring.

Date 2

Group Date: Ben wore his best purple t-shirt for his date with Monica, Rachel, Phoebe and the rest of the other gals.

Ben and the girls go skiing on a hill in SF in 85 degree weather. Lame. Anyway, we sat through a Honda commercial and then watched the girl strip down to bikinis and make arses out of themselves.

Ummm…I don’t know about you but I was scared for Kacey B.’s life. Dear lord, that girl almost snowplowed over the haystacks at least a dozen times.

The group dates make me so uncomfortable. It just seems like this big sister wives get together to me. In this scenario, your sister wives are all versions of your acquaintance friend that tends to get overserved and throw herself at men.

Date # 3: Britney?

Britney doesn’t want to go on Ben’s silly city date. Everyone is shocked and upset. Can you blame Brit? Maybe she heard some of the war stories about skiing half-naked on concrete and scaling bridges and she’s thinking about opting out. Smartest girl in the room in my book.

What’s funniest about the situation is how rejected Ben actually seems. The way that he says “it’s fine” lets us all know that Ben is definitely “not fine” and you know he secretly wants to run after Britney and beg her to tell him why she doesn’t like him.

Plan B - Lindsey –

I hope Lindsey and the horse she rode in on gets voted off. I’m just not a fan. I mean the way she got so excited about “City Hall” just bugged me. She also wears way too much makeup and reminds me of Kelly from Real Housewives of NYC.

Just one more awkward group date before the rose ceremony! I cringed while the entire coven of wart-covered witches embarrassed themselves during their 2 minutes in heaven with Ben.

Shawntel, the funeral director crashed the episode to send the unstable sweeties into a tizzy. I think personal trainer Elyse should’ve just roughed her up a bit.

In the end, Ben was a silly coward and didn't feel like making amazing television even better. I wanted to see what would happen if he had handed Shawntel a rose.

This episode was brought to you by: Honda, Neil Lane, Matt Nathanson

Date Card 3

2012-01-09T22:29:00.000-05:00

Courtney,

Let’s spin the bottle.

- - Ben

Courtney and Ben go for aromantical walk in the woods and she pretends to like dogs and nature. They talk about how much they love their jobsand touch each other’s legs. I get it, Courtney is hot. She’s a freaking modelfor Christ sakes. After the daytimepicnic, the cozy pair enjoy a cozy dinner and talk about the perils of dating inHollywood and the tough life of an Internet advertising exec.

Back at the cocktail party, theleftover ladies throw themselves at Ben and try to make the most of their 2minutes of conversation.

Jenna, the blogger, isawkward, and she knows it. But I wantto like her. She’s super cute – and she’s a blogger.

Observation:Jennifer, Jaclyn and Samantha are wayyyyyy too emotional and immature to handlethe rejection of this reality television situation.

Meanwhile, Ben tries tofigure out why all the girl’s are going batshiz crazy! But, Big Ben he knowswhat’s going on! Blakeley isn’t “communicating” with the girls well enough. It’s all a big miscommunication. That’s why she’s fake crying behind all thegiant suitcases! It’s just a big miscommunication.

The Rose Ceremony: 10 girls I watched for last 2 hours and 8 I’d never seen before stand on the Bachelor bleachers awaiting their redrose fate.

Underdog: Emily, the PhD student. She’s kind of got this RachelMcAdams thing going on.

Reality: Benwent for the cheerleader, the model and the common prostitute. Sounds about right.

Sent home:Jenna the blogger & Tricia the girl I didn’t notice. Looks like Jenna’s got some good blog fodder!

Date Card 2: Group Date

2012-01-09T21:21:00.000-05:00

12 girls vie for Ben’sattention on the group date. Blakeley, (myfavorite character) is a VIP Cocktail waitress (is there any other kind), whobrought her “uniform” with her to Sonoma.

The gals audition for anelementary school production of community theatre. They snort like pigs & squeak likeweasels and pretty much have to make complete arses of themselves.

Meanwhile, back at themansion, Erika, the law student, and the other girls practicing black magicwith warts all over their bodies whine and gossip about missing out on the groupdate.

Post production, all the girls pretend for the cameras that Ben owned his role as “PrincePinot”. Maybe they didn't notice his strange attempt at a British accent or his excessive amount of costumechanges? Then the ladies told the cameras that their roles dressed as fantasy woodland animals were important and amazing.

After the big show, Ben says that all the women“did amazing” and finally gives the poor things a much-needed drink. Oh, and big surprise, all the girls hate themost amazing character of all, Blakeley. This girl is a genius. She's not going to win this show, but there's a VIP Cocktail Waitresses of Charlotte spin-off with her name on it.

What a freaking horrible 30minutes of television.

Date 1: Deserted Sonoma

2012-01-09T20:29:00.000-05:00

Bachelor Ben Flajnik is backfor episode 2. Apparently, Flajnik, whose last name sounds like an Ikea table I oncefailed to put together, grew up in Sonoma. So the 18 gals head up North for round 2 of dates in wine country.

Date 1:

Ben has a date card for KacieB. I think all the blondes should justgo home, he has no interest in you. DoesKacie kind of do the baby talk thing? Ben brings her around the deserted townof Sonoma for a special tour of his hometown. Then they buy Kermit the Frog lunchboxes and have a baton twirlingparade down Main Street.

Kacie says she feels likethey’re the only 2 people on Earth. Is that because of Ben’s charm or becausethe producers literally cleared out every other beating heart in town?

Then like every date with aguy that’s way too emotional and needy, he talks about his daddy issues andhimself. But, Kacie seems to enjoy herinvisible meal in the empty restaurant all while impressing Ben with herSouthern roots and (hot) girl next-door looks.

After dinner, he gives her arose and brings her to an empty theater to watch home videos on the bigscreen. I’m sure that’s what she wantsairing on national television – her baton twirling home videos. Oh, and I’m sure there’s nothing moreattractive to a girl then watching a guy cry while watching his home videos.

Blogging The Bachelor

2012-01-09T19:59:00.001-05:00

If you want to waste your Monday with me and Bachelor Ben Flajnik, I'll be posting a few entries here on the blog.

"Live blogging" might be a strong term, but expect at least a few posts over the course of the two-hour train wreck.

Haters gonna’ hate– A Snark’s “Real” Life Tips (Wear Sunscreen)

2011-12-15T16:10:00.001-05:00

I know, I know, you’re probably still jazzed about the “30 Things to Stop Doing to Yourself” that your friend posted on Facebook. I’m sure you’re all fired up to go home tonight and “sing like no one can hear you” while you gaze out the windows at the simple beauty of your backyard.

If there’s one thing I got from the most recent inspirational list, it’s that people LOVE these freaking lists! They love the posters, the motivational life sayings set to music, the inspirational quotations put on magnets, and they LOVE books with chickens on them written for whatever life stage you happen to be living.

Now, I’m not going to sit here and pretend that I didn’t blast Baz Luhrmann’s Everybody's Free (To Wear Sunscreen) in the summer of ’99, or that I didn’t think ALL I REALLY NEED TO KNOW I LEARNED IN KINDERGARTEN was the coolest thing I had ever read at some point in my life. I’m just kind of sick of these vague lists. I’d prefer more specifics, fewer generalizations and less preaching. I guess it’s no big surprise I’m a little more of a realist. So, instead of babbling any further, I’m taking a sip from my half-empty water glass and making my own list of real life tips:

- Stop lying to your dental hygienist about flossing every day, the woman is not a fool.

- Stop driving around with your gas light on, I know it feels like a real thrill when you drive for 30 miles on empty, but it really stresses out the other people in your car.

- Stop complaining about your job. Everybody’s job sucks. Join the club; they all meet at the bar at 5:00.

- Stop going to bed so late. The only thing you’re missing is a REM cycle.

- Stop holding on to old one socks. You’re never going to find the match.

- Stop buying lunch. Would it kill you to pack a freaking lunch every once in awhile? God forbid you don’t have a gourmet sandwich or fancy salad one day for lunch. You’ll be fine, and it’ll take 5 minutes.

- Stop dancing in public. Whoever said, “dance like no one is watching” is probably a good dancer and doesn’t understand. And, if you think no one is watching you, you’re dead wrong. There’s a good chance the entire room is watching you Napoleon Dynamite your way through Party Rock Anthem at the bar, wedding, party or cardio groove class you’re embarrassing yourself at.

- Stop drinking more than two vodka, gin or tequila drinks when you go out. You’re only going to have a headache, cry in a corner or pick a fight with someone.

- Stop the madness. Tell someone off. Sometimes people deserve it. There are a lot of jerks out there.

- Stop looking for an award. They don’t give out awards for doing your Christmas shopping early or for ending your work year with all your vacation & sick days, so stop trying to earn one.

- Stop the lies. For the most part; we know you’re not really sick, so please, spare us the manufactured sob story.

- Stop being a runny-nosed martyr. If you really are sick, go to the doctor and stop hacking all over the people you work with.

- Stop hanging on to those jeans. They’re not going to fit you again.

- Stop stopping at the cart. Nothing that’s sold at a cart in the middle of the mall is worth buying. Not even those magical minerals from the dead sea and the slippers that look like high top sneakers

- Stop denying the real reason you’re running a marathon. The jig is up.

- Stop feeling bad about watching Teen Mom . The show is awesome.

- Stop thinking about whether or not you should get up for someone on the T – you know you’re going to prolong thinking about this until one of you gets off anyway.

- Stop pretending you’re going to fulfill your New Year’s resolutions

- Stop believing you are really saving so much money when you go to stores like Kohls, Target & TJ Maxx. Do you really think you saved money when you spent $135 and all you purchased were sweatpants and 2 pairs of socks?

And, I’m not going to lie, I kinda love that Baz Luhrmann video.

Take a whiff of your new favorite bar game…

2011-12-08T15:36:00.001-05:00

Forget planking & owling – there’s a new trend in town. This season, it’s all about Smell Hair. The premise of Smell Hair is simple: in a bar setting, players take turns smelling strangers’ hair without being noticed.

The strand sniffing is catching on. Just this week, successful Smell Hair missions were witnessed in Boston, DC & Richmond.

Planking is passe

Even celebs Smell Hair!

RULES:

1. The first rule of Smell Hair is you don’t talk about Smell Hair. You may not reveal what you are doing to anyone in the bar outside of your group of players. If you are caught Smelling Hair, you are not permitted to explain that you’re playing a game.

2. Points are awarded by the group based on style, creativity, possibility of danger, and sneakiness. Zero points are awarded if the target catches you.

3. Your group must witness your turn. If no one saw you Smell Hair, it didn’t happen.

Submit photos and videos of your Smell Hair adventures to SmellHairUSA@gmail.com.

Visit the Smell Hair blog on tumblr! You can Smell Hair on Facebook & Twitter too.

Newbury Street: A Love Letter

2011-12-02T12:58:00.001-05:00

Visit Newburystreetleague.org for Holiday Stroll details

When I was a kid, there was no place in my mind cooler than Boston’s Newbury Street. I just wanted to be there, shop there, stroll there, eat there, & someday live there. It’s funny, a street known mainly for it’s shopping may not mean much to others, but when I think back, Newbury Street has really been there for me when I needed it.

As a teenager, every high school semi-formal and prom brought my mom and I to the Back Bay. My first apartment – a studio at Beacon & Hereford, was 3 blocks from Newbury Street. Sure, I was sharing one room with my best friend, but it’s all about location, location, location, right? And, as a bonus, we got lots of free “stress tests” living next to the Church of Scientology.

Years later, after realizing my hips didn’t lie in my “Running of the Brides” wedding dress, Newbury Street was there for me again. The gals at L’Elite “projectrunwayed” me a fab frock in less than a month.

For years, any days off, shopping runs, celebrations, haircuts (Roffi) brunches, lunches, interviews by the pool (Notorious BIG anyone?), most likely took place on the eight blocks spanning from Arlington St. to Mass Ave. In all the years I’ve known her, Newbury Street just hasn’t lost that quintessential Boston charm.

It’s only getting better. Newbury Street is really stepping up its game. Long lauded as one of Boston’s finest shopping streets, US News & World Report Travel recently named the chic collection of shops one of America’s Best Shopping Streets. Over the past few years, Newbury Street has added a few of my favorite stores, including All Saints Spitalfields, Madewell, Pinkberry, Anthropologie, Marc Jacobs & Zara. And this September, Newbury Street outdid itself, hosting the fantastic Fashion’s Night Out.

An epic Holiday Stroll is on tap for this coming Saturday. Dozens of Newbury Street retailers are throwing fabulous in store events that include live entertainment, music, food, drink, spa demonstrations and giveaways. So, skip the mall and hit the streets. Why not make the Newbury Street Holiday Stroll part of your December traditions?

For the Holiday Stroll details, visit Newburystreetleague.org.

Twi-Luxe: ‘Breaking Down’ the lush Vampire Life

2011-11-29T14:26:00.001-05:00

Warning: I’m no Twi-Hard, and no, I didn’t read the books. In the words of Jim Gaffigan, “you know what I enjoyed about the movie? NO READING! Only took 2 hours and then I could take a nap." I’ve seen all the Twilight movies a few times, and I have a loose grasp on the tale. However, I do not claim to be any sort of vampire folklore expert or superfan. In my opinion, the only thing better than the breathy vampire love in these movies, is the posh product placement.

Forget M&M’s and Diet Coke, this isn’t a 90’s sitcom. The product placement in the Twilight movies is as cool and understated as the Cullens are classy. From Belstaff leather jackets to Carolina Herrera gowns, the folks from Forks are rather ritzy. I guess these vampires figure if they’re going to live forever, they might as well live the luxe life.

I mean, I get it. If the guy I was dating drove a sexy Volvo S60 and lived in a house that looked like Frank Lloyd Wright designed it, I wouldn’t care that he’s a vampire. Complete non-issue. Wait, what’s that you say Edward? As long as I let you turn me into a vampire, we can take our honeymoon on a private island in Brazil? Sure, whatever, bite me, let’s get it over with already.

Brics.it

Instead of focusing on the amazing honeymoon adventure that Edward was taking Bella on, all I could focus on was their mighty fine Bric’s luggage set. I drooled over the classic set in the back of their lovely car, and in the Brazilian cigarette boat, and at the foot of their Anichini linen swathed Honeymoon suite bed. Oh, why didn’t I buy a piece of Bric’s luggage when it was on Gilt Groupe last week?

And, how about the shoes?

NeimanMarcus.com

Bella is nothing but a hoodie wearing grub! She is completely undeserving of the $1,295 (you can buy em’ at Neiman Marcus) Manolo Blahnik white satin pumps she was gifted! To make matters even worse, we had to watch her scuff about the lovely cedar deck in her (J. Brand) jeans and further prove her unworthiness of the beautiful shoes.

The "Bella Swan" replica dress by Alfred Angelo is on sale for $799 - much less than the $30,000 Carolina Herrera couture gown the "real" Bella Swan wore in Breaking Dawn.

And, don’t even get me started on the dress. Carolina freaking Herrera. I imagine Ms. Swan’s dress buying experience was a bit different from mine. I know the Cullen clan wouldn’t be down with Bella fighting trashy Dunkin Donuts coffee clutching brides for a chance to buy an irregular Vera Wang sample dress.

Oh, why didn’t I marry into a proper vampire family?

A Commuting Cast of Characters

2011-11-17T16:01:00.001-05:00

What’s the only thing worse than working every day? Why, getting there of course! Can you honestly think of one thing your co-workers and friends complain about more than their commute? I certainly can’t. Since I tend to find humor in most situations, I find a lot of humor in public transportation and the wide array of individuals with whom we must share the train, bus, boat and rail systems. After consulting some friends and long-time commuters, I’ve compiled a list of the cast of characters that make up your daily commute:

The too cool to hold on guy – Ain’t no stainless steel pole gonna hold down this guy. This subway surfer thinks his uncanny sense of balance is going to transcend the twists and turns of the underground rail system.

The lady trying to buy a bus ticket home – She’s not going home, she’s going straight to her drug dealer’s house to buy drugs with your money. Don’t be an idiot.

The sleeper – Is this sound asleep commuter a pro at waking up right before their train stop, or are they about to enter the REM cycle and sleep their way right to the last stop? The sleeper often wakes up to an empty train in a town far-away from home.

The commuting like it’s 1985 commuter - This creature of routine hasn’t changed up his commuting game for three decades. Instead of reading the news on a Smartphone, they lug in three papers, opening, crinkling and hitting fellow passengers in the face with their broadsheets, while spilling coffee out of their ancient travel mug.

The backpacker – Is this kid going to work or leaving for a month long European expedition? It sure feels like a month’s worth of clothes when his backpack smashes you in the face four times. Of course, the oblivious bonehead has no idea he’s taking out heads and knocking innocent commuters in the nose with every slight turn of his body.

The risk taker – The risk taker cheats death daily by way of the third rail with their daredevil style of walking far too close to the yellow line.

The Crazy Homeless Person – Being homeless isn’t funny, but they sure do some funny shiz! A few of my roommates had epic crazy homeless person commuting stories. My favorite: “The train had no A/C, it was mid-August and a homeless man on my train stripped down to his boxers while singing an “original song” about “drugs & alcohol” and then laid on the floor and started grabbing people’s feet.”

The Seat Runner - This guy laughs in the face of pregnant women looking for a seat. The guy/gal will run anyone over, pushing the handicapped and elderly out of the way for a seat.

The inappropriate cell-phone conversationalist – “Yeah, the rash is really bad.” This idiot thinks they’re wearing an invisible cloak when they have a cell phone to their ear. This inappropriate talker shares deep dark secrets with a captive audience of 60 silent commuters day after day. My favorite: The girl who chose to call Jet Blue customer service and rip them a new one on the 93 bus. The obnoxious woman was apparently the only person in Boston inconvenienced by a recent snowstorm. We listened to her verbally abuse the customer service rep continuously for 30-minutes. The one-sided conversation eventually led to my soft-spoken husband standing up and screaming an expletive at her.

The Talker - You don't know this person. You don't care to know this person. You go out of your way to ignore this person yet he/she will make every attempt to talk to someone, anyone who will listen. It may start with a look that says, "Can you believe how crowded this train is?" Don’t make eye contact. The talker will quickly delve into a one-sided conversation you will not be prepared to endure. Be on “Talker alert” during train delays and peak ridership events.

The Marathon Stair Climber – This train station-athlete owns the escalator, and he’s going to beat you to work - even if it means scaling the stairs of the longest escalator in town. Better move over to the right, fast, because this train station superstar is about to blow past you – and feel really good about themselves for doing it.

The Sniffler - Spring pollen, summer air conditioning, fall leaf mold, winter colds - this guy always sniffs and sneezes, and blows his nose...on you. Some may even pull out their CLOTH HANKIE, making the entire situation grosser than usual.

The Sports Fan – This person went to the Red Sox game today and they want you to know it! The Sports Fan is usually accompanied by a few frat boy type friends and drunk on draft beer. Depending on his level of inebriation, he may try to strike up a group sing-along of Sweet Caroline.

The Seat hog – This commuter rail rider sits in the three-seater and blocks the middle seat with his bag. The seat hog will not make eye contact when new riders come in at each stop. The train may be full every day, but this bold seat blocker thinks today is going to be the lucky day he’ll bask in two-seated bliss.

The First in line – You know this character, there she is everyday waiting at the end of the platform and running along the train as it arrives so she can be the first one on. This woman also thinks she knows exactly where the train doors will fall and will stands right in front of them and not let others off.

High School Harry – You went to high school with this commuter and you may have even been friends with them. Fast forward to 2011 and you pretend not to see this person and never exchange pleasantries.

The guy who just got out of jail and is trying to do the right thing – He usually gets on the train and yells out something like, “Excuse me ladies and gentleman, could I please have your attention for just a few seconds?” After he has everyone’s attention, he’ll blabber on about just getting out of jail and looking for a job, therefore thinking you should be proud of him, and your dollar will help him reach the next destination: applying for a job. It’s not all lies, he probably did just get out of jail. But, chances are he’ll be right back in the clink after he uses your money to buy drugs.

A special thanks to Dan, Jen, Cara, Chris, Maci and Lauren for sharing their epic commuting observations.

Be sure to post about the characters we missed in the comments section below.

Nothing says Happy Birthday like Mickey Mouse & Unicorns

2011-11-11T10:00:00.000-05:00

My mom was green before it was cool. Though sometimes it teetered on thepackrat/hoarders line, for the most part she tried to waste as little aspossible in life. A few of her favorite eco-friendly activities include: rinsingout plastic sandwich bags, reusing Christmas cards (see earlier blog post) andsaving scraps of wrapping paper.

In my childhood home, we have a Rubbermaid bin in the hallcloset jam packed with wrapping paper only big enough to wrap diamond rings,packs of cards and number 2 pencils. Fordecades we’ve mercilessly teased my mom about her penchant for saving crushedbows, frayed ribbon and crumpled Mickey Mouse wrapping paper. But this year, she showed us.

So what if the Mickey on a cloud wrapping paper was meant for a baby shower? It wraps up Amber's flat screen TV like a charm.

Nothing says Happy 27th Birthday like Sponge Bob Squarepants and shitty balloons.

Surprise! The Kardashian Kollection for Sears doesn't suck

2011-11-10T22:09:00.001-05:00

The Kardashian Kollection ad campaign was shot by Annie Leibovitz. I'm not kidding.

You’re silently judging me right now aren’t you? Stopit. I get it; Sears isn’t a popularplace with my crowd. Well, stop beingsuch a poser, because if you’re within three degrees of me, chances are thatyou weren’t hopping on the school bus clad in brand name blue jeans. We all have memories of Sears, whether it wasbuying back-to-school clothes as a child, or dying of embarrassment as ateenager while sitting in the waiting room of the Sears Tire Center with yourmother.

Anyway, so the Kardashian Kollection hit Sears storesrecently. Since I’m a frequent visitorto the Sears parking garage at the mall, (is there anywhere else to park?) Idecided to peruse the Kardashian Kollection. Yes, you read that correctly, they’re spelling “collection” with a “K”. Kris, Kim, Kourtney, Khloe, Kendall & Kylie just love them K’s!

As expected, the “Kollection” is heavy on animal prints,sequins, bustiers, hooker heels, lycra leggings and padded bras. Some have referred to the line as the “PegBundy collection,” and while I appreciate the clever 80’s humor, I have to say,it’s not that bad. Don’t get me wrong, thisain't no Missoni for Target, but a few Kardashian pieces might even class up afew of the Jersey Shore girls’ closets.

I'd wear the short sequined jacket, wouldn't you?

Clearly, the Rachel Zoe Project's Jeremiah was not consulted on the KK display.

Hey, these girls date NBA players, maybe we should take a page from their bedroom book.

Christina Applegate dons a Kardashian Kollection inspired halter dress in Don't Tell Mom the Babysitter's Dead.

So next time you’re in the market for a power tool or ScottDisick approved lingerie, why not consider swinging by your local Sears.

Things that won't fly in your 30s

2011-11-02T14:42:00.001-04:00

As I approach the big 3-0 with apprehension, many who have made the leap into their 30s before me have said, “you’re only as young as you feel.” I’ve been thinking about this statement a lot, and decided I completely disagree. I think you’re only as young as the sad poster you have hanging on your wall and the booze bottle decorations in your kitchen.

With a little help from my friends, I came up with a hilarious list of things that may fly in your 20s, but not so much in your thirties. So pour yourself a glass of Beringer White Zinfandel and sit up in your futon, because it’s time to laugh at yourself…

Futons – Does anything good happen on a futon, really? I mean it may seem okay at the moment, but for the most part, any activity going down on this makeshift bed/couch combination with the thin stained mattress is usually pretty grimy. If this cesspool of germs actually follows you from your off-campus apartment to your post-grad pad, the situation becomes even sadder. Same goes for beanbags, flip & folds (we had another name) and papasan chairs.

Pigtails – After 25, you should only be allowed to wear one ponytail, braid, or bun in your hair at a time. After that, you’re trying way too hard, dating yourself and don’t look as cute as you think you do.

This Is How We Do It – No matter how much you love this song, chances are if you’re pushing thirty and bumping the bass in your four-door sedan, you don’t look as cool as you once did. This isn’t how we do it anymore.

The 2 a.m. take in – If at 30, you’re still hitting the sausage cart at 2:30 a.m., ordering late night delivery or hitting the McDonalds 24-hour drive thru on your way home, I have a few questions for you:

• Why are you still going out in Faneuil Hall?

• Who actually delivers at 3 a.m.? Might be time to leave your college town.

• And to the guy hitting the drive-thru, who was your designated driver?

Leaving the house without a coat –I can’t even believe how many times I waited in line outside a crappy bar without a jacket during one of New England’s winter months. If my memory serves me correctly, one January evening I even stood in line to get into a club sans jacket on Montreal’s Saint Catherine Street. I stood there for an hour dressed in nothing but a backless tank top and black “going out” pants. No way was I going to be super lame and wear a jacket or waste $2 on checking my coat!

“Decorations” - Why recycle your empty Carlo Rossi jugs of wine when you can use them as beautiful apartment decorations? Or better yet, what about those gorgeous Smirnoff & Absolut bottles? The Goldschlagger bottle was one of my personal favorites. Nothing made this bogus booze sparkle more than a blacklight. Or how about those awesome posters you’d cover your walls with: “Guinness, My Goodness!”, the weird smiley face posters, the reprinted “art” (Edvard Munch’s “The Scream” anyone?), and, of course, Fenway Park.

Jungle Juice – I remember dunking a red solo cup into a bathtub full of “party punch” on a number of occasions. Since I’m still standing, I’m guessing the grain alcohol that the host drove out of state to purchase was so potent it probably killed off all the soap scum.

Things not to do at a bar after 30:

• Make out
• Throw up
• Leave your credit card/forget to close out your tab
• Fight with the bouncer
• Show up on a party bus
• Wait in line

Funny at 22, somewhat sad at 32:

• The Walk of Shame
• Wet hair at work
• Keg stands
• Drugs
• Belly button rings
• Easy Mac/Ramen noodles for dinner
• Having your parents do your taxes
• Bringing your laundry home
• Living with your parents
• Bounced checks and overdraft fees
• Buying booze for minors or attending parties with underage drinkers
• Shopping at Abercrombie & Fitch, American Eagle, Charlotte Russe & Bebe

I am, of course, guilty of many of the aforementioned on a weekly basis, but I’m working on improving in my 30s. If I missed anything, be sure to post in the comments below.

Halloween Tales of Costume Terror

2011-10-27T22:34:00.000-04:00

Oh Halloween, every yearyou make us look like such fools.

For this year’s Halloween blog,instead of my usual poking fun at people I thought I’d let my readers make funof themselves. I mean come on, you don’tneed me to tell you how dumb you looked standing at a cheesy Boston bar scantilyclad in a bustier and bug antennae.

Your response to my call for your tales of Halloweencostumes gone wrong flooded my inbox and kept tears rolling down my face fordays. Here, your costume regrets:

“As a desperate collegestudent and long distance lover, I voluntarily spent Halloween of ’08 dressedas a side of the road Shrek on my boyfriend’s college campus. Flagging down customers at the Xtramartearned me a $25 gas card and a box of snickers bars.” – Laura K., Boston

“Picture it – October 2007, Dan attends a Halloween party at Side Barin Downtown Crossing - the invitation declared that I must be in costume. I decided to take a box, cut out the bottom, cut a hole on each side, wrap saidbox in paper and throw a ‘TO/FROM’ sticker that read “TO: Women, FROM: God” –Yes, I was God’s gift to women. What I wasn’t: able to fit through thebathroom door, extend my reach to drink my beer, or stop myself from sweating profusely. I was also not able to commute home on the redline.

“I also made Jello shots, put them into zip lock bags and taped themto the inside of the box I was wearing. Well, when one wears a box in acrowded bar, the Jello shots one has taped to the inside of a Halloween costumehas a tendency to melt. Melted Jello combined with gravity not only causeone’s clothes to stain, but also tends to make the floor around your personslippery.

“Luckily,the beer situation was resolved by the creepy, yet kind woman tending bar whotaped several straws together so I could drink my bud light without having to removemy costume.” – Dan O., Foxborough

“Iregret the one and only time I did a ‘sexy’ costume. I was 19, went asBarbarella, accidentally ate a hash cookie, and almost lost my ever-loving mindwhen I got way too much attention in my hot pants and go go boots. It washorrible. I was saved by some crazy girl dressed as Duchess SarahFerguson (think slightly drunkenly askew 80s glamour). She acted as mybodyguard, shooing all the lecherous types away, and kept me occupied withhilarious commentary and clove cigarettes.” - Anonymous co-worker

“Iwas Gizmo, from the Gremlins one year. My mom made me a fur suit with quiltedears and a white outlined eye to boot. I was also a no. 2 pencil andeveryone thought I was a Conehead.” - KerryF., Boston

I'm here to pick up my prescription.

“How about the time I painted my face like askeleton to walk around the block with you girls when you were little. Once we got home, I ran to the pharmacy to pick up a prescription before theyclosed. The pharmacist was scared to death because she thought I wasthere to rob them.

“When I was little my mom dressed my sisterMaria up as a TV. She was in a box up to her neck and had her little armshanging out with her heavy plastic pumpkin full of candy hanging from onehand. It was pouring rain and my father took us through a back yard whereit was pitch dark and because she couldn't look down to see where she was going,she proceeded to continuously slide over leaves and trip over the rock wallspilling all her candy. My father, not the calmest man, was swearing,Maria was crying and the rest of us were all trying to pick up her soaking wetcandy strewn about the rocks and leaves. We ended up having to share aportion of our stash with her.” – Jane(my mom), Whitman

“My mom dressed me up in one of my old dancerecital costumes. It was 4^th of July themed, so she painted my facered, white and blue and added a ton of glitter. It looked like the 4^th of Julythrew up a very bizarre clown.” – Katie C., Boston

“Costume regret? Oh boy, that’s easy. My mom used to sew, and we are from Ohio, soOSU Buckeyes are as big as the Red Sox are here. Brutus Buckeye is the mascot for OSU. My mom made a Brutus buckeye costume that westuffed with newspaper. Everyone thought I was a big potato.” – Carrie, Boston

“Well, there was the dice incident. That year, your father and I decided to dressas a pair of dice. Unfortunately, theboxes we were wearing were so big that we took up the entire room at theparty.” - Carole, Worcester (as told to her daughter)

I'm only ashamed of the one I bought instead of created... Andit was a ... I'm embarrassed to say it... Ok, it was a pumpkin suit...head- to-toe orange felt jumpsuit... AND I wore green suede Filas with it… 1993 was aweird year for me.” – Kathleen, Boston

"I'm a Chiquita banana and I'm here to say,give me some candy and I'll go away"

This was the song I sang whilst I trick ortreated all around the neighborhood in a giant banana costume my mother mademe. It had so much bunting in the top, I couldn't walk thru doors.

“I went to one of my first boy/girl parties inthis costume and got into a chasing match with my friends who were dressed likeother fruits (tomato, grapes, etc.) (fruit of the loom...) and proceeded to runclear off a brick wall because I couldn't see where the hell I was going. I wasabout a 4-foot drop.

“In later years, I wore the costume at my sort of tough middleschool on costume day and called my mother at the makeup counter to pick me upbecause I was teased and called the walking condom.” – Gillian, San Fran

And don’tworry, I have one too. My long-timereaders may remember this story from last year’s blog:

“Inthe 7th grade my mom convinced me to be a picnic. Hands down, worst day of mylife. I spent an entire school day walking around with a makeshift table anddinner for four on my chest. That one was a real hit with the guys. Seriously,thanks mom. I can't believe I actually bought your “be different and original”speech. While my sister was frolicking around as a lovely turquoise satinunicorn, 13-year-old boys were ripping bags of Fritos off my “picnic”, Icouldn't fit at my desk and I had a fork and knife in my hair.”

HappyHalloween!

Feelfree to post your costume regrets in the comments below.

i-Obsessed

2011-10-25T22:32:00.000-04:00

As if Apple products couldn’t get any cooler, a Lexingtoncouple came up with the perfect i-accessory. Suzie Automatic, the couple’s chic company, makes edgy decals to adornyour iPad, laptop, iPhone and camera dials. When I saw the Suzie Automaticset-up at Boston’s SOWA Open Market this weekend, I couldn’t resist blinging out my MacBookPro with the Chandelier decal below. It’skind of like living out your tattoo dreams through your Apple products.

Best of all, the Suzie Automatic team designs all their owndecals and produces them here in the Bay State. Yay, for local, check them out at suzieautomatic.com.

Amber, my sis, tries out my chandelier decal clad MacBook

Next time, I’m picking up the Eve & Apple

Photo c/o suzieautomatic.com

Keeping Animal Prints Classy

2011-10-21T17:31:00.000-04:00

Who doesn't love Rachel Bilson? The girl is wearing bright red pants, animal print heels and a pink floral granny blouse and I am coveting her outfit. Usually, one would think that someone wearing such a zany combination may have gotten dressed in the dark. But, not Rachel, as usual, this girl has got it going on. I admit, animal prints are a tough thing to style. There's a fine line between classy and trashy. For a long time, when I thought of wearing an animal print, thoughts of New Jersey, big hair and some of Vivian's hooker friends from Pretty Woman would come to mind. When The Jersey Shore and The Real Housewives of NJ happened, I didn't feel so bad about stereotyping anymore. Just as I suspected, these gals run around town looking like chesty trashy cheetahs.

Anyway, like all things in life (besides dating) think quality over quantity. One good piece goes a long way. I just picked up the River Island (one of my fave UK stores) animal print belt below online at ASOS and it's making all of my animal print dreams come true.

River Island Animal Print Belt, buy online at ASOS

Falling off the (Fashion) Truck

2011-10-16T23:02:00.000-04:00

It’s been awhile. But, I can explain. Last weekend,my in-laws, who were unable to locate a Wi-Fi password, held me hostage in theGA/TN area. Following my visit downSouth, I was ordered to keep the strict company of co-workers for a week andlongingly stare at peak foliage from the window of an overheated Vermontconference room. Needless to say, it has not been a fashionable October thus far.

Ironically, while I took a break from blogging, I had myfifteen minutes of Boston blog fame. The Trendy Dwarf, Boston’s street styleblogger, featured a few pics he took of me at Boston Fashion Week. Since I’malways loving & hating on everyone else’s fashion choices and rarelygetting in front of the camera, I figured you might appreciate a breakdown ofmy ensemble, snarky self-analysis included.

Observe:

Photographed at The Mandarin Oriental before the Lily & Migs show at Boston Fashion Week. Photo c/o The Trendy Dwarf.

Jacket: Urban Outfitters. I know what you’re thinking, “she’s too oldtoo shop there.” And, you’re probably right.

Blouse: The Fashion Truck. I got this translucent topoff a truck. No, it didn’t “fall off”one, it was for sale on one. The Fashion Truck is Boston’s coolest new boutique, and it’s on wheels. You should check it out.

Skirt: Holiday. Charles Street on Beacon Hill is my go-tofor boutique shopping in Boston. I’vebeen a regular at Crush & Holiday for years. I purchased this party skirt at Holiday a fewyears back. Fun fact: Holiday is theonly store in the Boston area to carry the line of the made in Spain “Pretty Ballerinas” flats.

Belt: MOSCHINO. I picked up the amazing nameplate belt at a randomsecondhand store about 5 years ago. Thebelt is about 2 sizes too small and I must remove it while sitting, eatingor breathing deeply.

Watch: CHANEL. Speaking of falling off trucks. My watch is a Chanel J12…perhaps? We’re not really sure; it’s a long story. If it it’s a fake, it’s a really, really,good one. And, if it was acquiredillegally, I swear, none of my old man friends in the North End acquired it forme.

Shoes: Steve Madden. I picked up the trendybooties at The Tannery on Boylston Street. The fluorescent laces were my own addition; you can find similar lacesat American Apparel.

Makeup: CHANEL,applied by the fabulous Amber at Saks.

Analysis: I’mreally glad I had the forethought to lather some Clarins self-tanner on my palegams before I left the house that morning. The extreme close-up on my chewed up nails does not make me proud. I’ve been gnawing on my nails since I exitedthe womb in 1981. Perhaps, as I turn 30,I can give up the nasty habit.

File under: Sassy Soapbox

2011-10-02T20:33:00.000-04:00

Franca Sozzani - picture via Newsweek

Meet sassy spitfire FrancaSozzani. The fearless editor of Italian Vogue makes headlines with herbold declarations, unpopular points of view and her “who gives a frackattitude”. She’s almost like yourfriend’s crazy drunk aunt who says totally inappropriate things at familycookouts and makes everyone uncomfortable. But, like your friend’s overserved aunt (that you sit next to everytime) you really don’t want to miss out on what Franca has to say. Love her orhate her, she’s refreshingly and brutally honest.

On Kate Middleton’s style:

“…toomuch “low-cost fashion.”

Kate Middleton in a Zara dress. Picture via Telegraph.

On fashionistas:

“TheInternet is so quick, and that sentence is picked up. Sometimes I say I thinkelegance is very boring, or I hate fashionistas. You start with something thatyou say in a situation, and after that the journalists pick some sentence andsome quote and say just that. It’s not that I wake up and say, ‘I hatefashionistas.’ But I do hatefashionistas.”

Sozzani on fashion bloggers:

“Are they important for Vogue? Do we need all thesebloggers? They don't offer an opinion but only talk about themselves, taketheir own pictures wearing absurd outfits. What's the point? I don't even knowwho they are except a few names because they are so many and all the same, theyare so worried about what to wear to get noticed that my eyes only see a crowdin the end."

Umm….awesome. Do check out Sozzani's blog on Vogue.it/en.

The Faces of Boston #Fashion

2011-09-29T12:19:00.002-04:00

The Lily & Migs show at Boston Fashion Week

This week, I gasped for breath while wearing my favorite Moschino belt, and joined Boston’s best dressed (and those that made a valiant effort) to celebrate Boston Fashion Week. The event, which in the past has garnered much scoffing and many a dramatic eye roll, suddenly has everyone paying attention. Why this year?

You won’t find flashy names like Marc Jacobs or Tory Burch showing their collections at BFW. Instead, you’ll find established Boston designers like Michael DePaulo, Daniela Corte, Carter Smith and rising stars like Lily & Migs and Emily Muller.

One big addition to BFW ‘11 that has everyone jazzed: The TENT. One can certainly see why. The tent provides a central location, reminds us of New York Fashion Week and most importantly, sets the tone for exclusivity (cool kids only). If a front row is involved, people want to sit in it. There’s just something about getting past a velvet rope.

I was lucky enough to be on a few invite lists, and attended the Lily & Migs show in the tent. I figured a showing of fresh and young designs would be the perfect place to feel the pulse of fashion in the Hub.

The Faces of Boston Fashion

I don’t care about the boring Boston “celebrities” who married well and gained a permanent position on the Names page or the InsideTrack. These people are not Boston fashion.

So who is Boston fashion? They’re the gals and guys that get dressed with a purpose in this town. They’re blogging their brains out, sashaying through the South End, here for art school, makeup artists by day, bartenders by night, creating fashion in their dorm rooms, and bringing fashion into Boston’s board rooms. These clotheshorses are spending their hard-earned cash in Boston’s small boutiques, and primping for hours to show off their fab finds while hitting the Hub’s hotspots.

What makes this new class of Boston dwelling fashion lovers so different? Two words, one phenomenon: social media.

Much of Boston’s fashion community has come together through FB, Twitter, online invites and blogging. In a town where the big pubs are focusing on the Red Sox and local politics, fashion lovers here have taken it upon themselves to make fashion relevant.

The fabulous Aishah and Na’imah, co-owners of Heiress Boutique

They’re tweeting out the latest fashion news, blogging on what they covet (Walking in Heels, Covetous Creatures) , capturing the good (TrendyDwarf) (beyondbostonchic) and the bad (BostonMo) of Boston street style, posting about their parties, setting up their cameras and documenting their daily outfits (Stylish Year, Orchid Grey).

Some even take it a bit further – these entrepreneurial types are launching start-ups, building I-phone apps, selling fashion out of trucks & trailers (Haberdash & The Fashion Truck), opening boutiques (Heiress Boston), cleaning out their closets and then swapping (Swapaholics) the old for the new.

And, I confidently believe all of the aforementioned individuals are hating on anyone involved in that stupid GQ article. So next time you find yourself defending Boston fashion, don’t even bother, these individuals must be stuck home on a Friday night sans internet connection.

Things I love this week

2011-09-20T22:55:00.001-04:00

Girl Crush: Kendi Everyday, now I’m sure Kendi’s last name isn’t “Everyday” but I don’t really care what her last name is, I just like her outfits and her sense of humor. I sometimes find personal style blogs to be nauseating and narcissistic but Kendi’s blog strikes a balance between “look at me, look at me” and “I love clothes and happen to wear them everyday”. If I was a person who liked making new friends, I might even consider her, so, do check her out at http://kendieveryday.blogspot.com/.

Love on the Street: You can’t make this stuff up. Photo bloggers Scott Schuman and Garance Dore are in love. Who? Ever hear of The Sartorialist? Yeah, well that’s Scott. His lover Garance Dore, is the author of the French equivalent of the Sartorialist, her eponymous blog Garance Dore. This is old news, I realize this, but you can’t catch everything on the internets!

Red Jeans: Not to be confused with Nantucket reds, entirely different animal altogether. Now, you know there are certain warnings about trends, whereas some magazine editors may hint that not everyone may be able to pull it off. Given my thigh situation I should probably heed these warnings when it comes to red jeans, but that’s a risk I’m willing to take. And, if Khloe Kardashian can do it, then so can I.

Emmy Fashion: I was obsessed with Lena Headey’s look. The Game of Thrones actress killed it an ensemble reminiscent of Audrey Hepburn. I refuse to acknowledge the Gwyneth two piece crocheted bit. I guess I’m addressing it, I HATED IT. Now, some of you may know the Gwyneth rubs me the wrong way. Are you an actress, a chef, a food critic, a singer, or an eco-friendly blogger? Pick one!

Coco and Dali: Love this photo of Coco Chanel and Salvador Dali. I know cigarettes kill, but this picture is straight up dope fashion.

Things I do not like this (or last) week:

Missoni for Target: Marketing, hype and more marketing and hype. I didn’t see anything in that collection that I would want to dress my cat in. And, I’m honestly dying to dress my cat in something.

Fly and Fresh at FNO Boston

2011-09-09T17:26:00.000-04:00

Last night, my Canon Rebel and I hit FNO Boston. Below, a few of my favorite pics from the scene on Newbury Street.

The Pru looked pretty in pink.

Herb Chambers, the night’s big sponsor, brought some of his favorite cars from his collection to line Newbury Street and entertain the hetero males in attendance. My favorite was Doc’s DeLorean above. Relax; I know it’s not really a DeLorean. But, if it were, a couple of the brutally dressed FNO participants could’ve maybe jumped into it and gone back to a time when their clothes were fashionable. I kid, I kid.

A few well-heeled Bostonians.

Models strike a pose on the runway in front of Stephanie's on Newbury.

Mayor Menino came and made a few jokes. City Councilor Mike Ross also made his way to the podium to say a few words as every female in the crowd silently agreed in unison that he wasn't too bad to look at. Maybe politics isn't the show business for ugly people anymore?

Bombay Bicycle Club play an acoustic set at All Saints Spitalfields before their sold-out show at Royale.

Tonight!

2011-09-08T11:12:00.000-04:00

Buy this Dress

2011-09-05T22:04:00.000-04:00

Ummm…the size six was falling off of me. You must get your butt to J.Crew and buy this dress. Apparently, there must have been some sort of major malfunction at the J.Crew factory because the "Winnie" dress is running super big. Jordan, the friendly J.Crew associate even said so. I walked out of the store with a size 4 and a spring in my step. I can tell you for certain that due to my part-time gig slinging pasta and my slight cabernet habit that I have not lost weight. So what if it’s not on sale yet, if you’re as vain as me you’ll pay $138 for a dress that puts you two notches below your normal dress size.

Christopher from the Sopranos at VMAs

2011-08-29T17:11:00.000-04:00

Wait, is that Christopher from the Sopranos winning a moon man? I thought Tony suffocated him in season six? That’s all I could think of last night while watching Lady Gaga’s alter ego Jo Calderone during the MTV VMAs. Ummm…newsflash Lady Gaga, alter egos are super lame! You remember a guy named Chris Gaines? I hope not. We all tried to block those awkward Garth Brooks memories out. I’m down with Lady Gaga’s messages and all, but really, can’t these superstars at least pick alter egos that aren’t so creepy.

Caution: Fashionista Foot Traffic

2011-08-19T10:58:00.000-04:00

We get the inside scoop from the woman bringing Fashion's Night Out to Boston

Do whatever you can to ignore the end of summer sales – you’ll need to save some of your clothing budget for Fashion’s Night Out (FNO) Boston on September 8th.

What is FNO? Close your eyes and imagine Newbury Street Yawkey Way style. On this glorious evening, the only traffic allowed is fashionista foot traffic. And, the excitement doesn’t stop at Mass Ave; select retailers in every hub hood will stay open until 11 p.m. for a night of fashion, fun and events.

Since I like to have the inside scoop on everything, I wanted to hear straight from the clotheshorse’s mouth the real story behind FNO in Boston. Michelle McCormack and Richard Villani, both Boston natives, are working officially with The City of Boston and the Conde Nast team in NYC to bring FNO to Boston for the first time this year. Michelle and Richard spent 20 years living in the NYC magazine world and moved back to Boston eager to bring the magic back home.

Recently, Michelle took time out of her hectic schedule to “sit down” with me and give Down The Rabbit Hole readers a sneak peek at what’s in store.

DTRH: FNO Boston is promising “the greatest shopping events Boston has ever seen.” For someone who takes shopping VERY seriously the thought of FNO living up to the hype is making me extremely excited. Care to expand on some of what FNO might have in store for us?

Michelle: Well, Newbury Street is shutting down for the first time in 15 years - they'll be luxury vehicles lining the street, Berklee College of Music is setting up a stage and many retailers are planning their own events. For example, Brooks Brothers will have a three-piece jazz ensemble, Safar Hair salon is throwing a fashion show, DKNY will have a champagne toast and the Taj Boston is hosting a fashion show, w/ the MFA throwing the very first pop-up museum in history. The top of the Pru will turn its lights pink for the night in celebration of FNO, Copley Place is hosting a fashion show. Plus, the marquee event at Quixote Movie Studio in Allston is gearing up to be the party of the year, if not the century! Rue La La is hosting a fabulous party on one stage, and The Ames Hotel is hosting a pop-up hotel room on the other. Stoli is sponsoring the whole event and it's completely free and open to the public, in the spirit of FNO! Mayor Menino is planning to attend as well as a stable of press and celebrities. And to top it all off, Richard and I are working closely with the Main Street neighborhood associations to make sure JP, Rossie, Hyde Park and all the neighborhoods are celebrating FNO.

This is not a Back Bay event - it's a city-wide initiative, started by Vogue to restore consumer confidence during the recession on '09 and get people out shopping - and that's what Richard and I are committed to! So yes, we're making sure it's fabulous, but also all-inclusive!!

DTRH: Imagine, you have to choose a Boston clothing boutique to live in for 24 hours, which would you choose?

Michelle: Barneys (Louis #2)

DTRH: We’re all on the fashion defensive here in the Hub after some cranky writers at GQ lambasted our wardrobes. We may have a seersucker misstep here and there, but you know the magazine got it all wrong, right?

Michelle: Yeah, I was like, "what about Albany?"

DTRH: Which Boston boutiques and stores have signed on for FNO? Anticipate any surprises?

Michelle: Brooks Brothers, Barneys, and almost everyone on Newbury Street. I'd say the surprises are the little mom and pops in the neighborhoods, like George's Shoe Store in JP. Been there for 50 years and haven't changed a bit, yet are serious about throwing a fabulous FNO event. Love it!

DTRH: So, how do we get involved with FNO Boston? Where do we show up on September 8th?

Michelle: First start by LIKING the Facebook page. We started it less than a month ago and it already has over a thousand fans! We haven't even advertised - it's all organic and relevant and turning into a thriving fashion community, which I hope to continue beyond FNO. We're seeding the stream with editorial type content to get the community involved and then asking retailers to promote their events. We are also driving all press there for regular updates on what's going on. Perfect use of social media! Everything is auto-posted to our Twitter feed and my other page, Secret Boston, which has thousands of local fans. Plus, the FNO FB page and Twitter is monitored closely by Vogue and CFDA and the LIKE.

Follow FNO here: Facebook, Twitter, URL, Secret Boston

Find Michelle McCormack at LoveTheCool. LIKE her Facebook page Secret Boston and FOLLOW her Tweets at @MichelleMMM

Fashion’s Night Out will hit the streets of Boston on September 8th 2011 from 6:00pm to 11:00pm. With Mayor Menino and the City of Boston in support of Fashion’s Night Out, retailers across the city will participate in celebrating the evening with in-store events and extended shopping hours. For the first time in over fifteen years, Newbury Street will be closed off to vehicle traffic in honor of Fashion’s Night Out. Fashion’s Night Out was created in 2009 as a collaboration between American Vogue, the Council of Fashion Designers of America, NYC & Company, and the City of New York. The event was created to celebrate fashion, restore consumer confidence, and boost the industry’s economy during the recession. Last year, Los Angeles, London and Milan were among hundreds of cities around the world that participated in Fashion’s Night Out.

Eargasm c/o Madeon’s 39 song Mashup

2011-08-18T12:56:00.001-04:00

A 17-year-old French house DJ combined 39 of his favorite songs to create one amazing three-minute music mashup. Holy amazingness. I think I’m going to throw a party and just play this on repeat. Wanna come?

Listen to Madeon’s Pop Culture mashup here:

Tracklist : Alphabeat – Boyfriend, Alphabeat – Fascination, Bag Raiders - Shooting Stars, Black Eyed Peas - Gotta Feeling, Britney Spears - ...Baby One More Time, Capsule - Can I Have A Word, Chromeo - Momma's Boy, Coldplay - Viva La Vida, Daft Punk – Aerodynamic, Daft Punk - Around The World, Deadmau5 - Raise Your Weapon (Madeon Remix), Deadmau5 - Right This Second, Ellie Goulding - Starry Eyed, ELO - Mr. Blue Sky, Girls Aloud – Biology, Gorillaz – Dare, Gossip - Heavy Cross (Fred Falke Remix), Gwen Stefani - What You Waitin For (Jacques Lu Cont Mix), Housse de Racket - Oh Yeah, Justice – DVNO, Justice - Phantom Part II, Katy Perry - One Of The Boys, Ke$ha - Take It Off, Kylie Minogue – Wow, Lady Gaga – Alejandro, Linkin Park – Crawling, Madonna - Hung Up, Martin Solveig ft. Dragonette - Boys and Girls, Michael Jackson - Billie Jean, Nero - Me and You, One Republic - All The Right Moves (Danger Remix), One-T - Magic Key, Ratatat – Shempi, Solange - I Decided (Freemasons Remix), Stardust - Music Sounds Better With You, The Buggles - Video Killed The Radio Star, The Killers - Losing Touch, The Who - Baba O'Riley (SebastiAn Remix), Yelle - Que Veux Tu (Madeon Remix)

I Heart Music: Foster the People's Helena Beat

2011-08-17T14:25:00.000-04:00

I've decided to post an "I Heart Music" entry every now and again since so many of you (slight exaggeration) ask me what's playing on my IPOD. Well, my friend CW and I are LOVING Foster the People's newest track, Helena Beat. What I'm enjoying even more is the SpaceKid remix of it. But, if you don't want to take music suggestions from a gal that attended last night's Ke$ha concert, I totally understand.

Listen here:

Foster The People - Helena Beat (SpaceKID Remix) by acidted

Haute in the Hamptons

2011-08-10T19:44:00.000-04:00

Not me, everyone else. I mean I am chilling in the East End, but I’m not sure I’d call myself haute in this crowd. Parking your Toyota Corolla between a Bentley and a Lotus twice in one day is a great reminder of exactly what is not in your bank account. However, a few observations thus far:

Birkin Bags – People are toting them around like it’s a freaking Vera Bradley bag. If I had a dollar for every Hermes Birkin bag I’ve seen in the past two days, I’d be about $2,000 closer to buying one myself. The bag can cost upwards of 20k and is rumored to have waiting lists up to six years. From what I’ve seen, there aren’t too many people who are still waiting in Southampton.
Rich doesn’t = stylish – Sure, I’ve seen some designer duds that I’d swap my beloved cat for (sorry Bella), but the styling is all wrong. That Pucci dress is looking kind of lame with those Havaianas flip-flops! And, I think it might be safe to take off your Calypso beach cover-up off four hours after you left the beach and are now in a fine eating establishment. Just saying.
Money can’t buy you class – Elegance is learned my friend. I haven’t really experienced this yet, but I thought it would be a good time to quote my favorite NYC housewife Countess Lou Ann.
Hamptons vs. Cape Cod & Islands– Sorry to turn on you Massachusetts, but I have to go with the Hamptons. Do you know how many J.Crew outposts and beautiful wineries they have over here? Point Hamptons.

VF’s Best Dressed

2011-08-04T21:52:00.000-04:00

This week, Vanity Fair announced its 2011 International Best Dressed List. No surprise, the world is in agreement that Kate Middleton is the fairy princess of frippery. But, in typical Vanity Fair fashion they always throw in a couple weird picks/people you’ve never heard of who are simply on the list to make you feel uncultured, poor and American.

1. H.H. Sheikha Moza Bint Nasser of Qatar

When you think of “best-dressed” does the name H.H. Sheikha Moza Bint Nasser of Qatar come to mind? If you said yes, stop trying to act so smart, you did not. Anyway, a quick Google image search confirms that she is in fact a bombshell and more than deserving of VF’s honor.

2. Tilda Swinton

I really wish they would stop trying to push Tilda Swinton on me. I get it. She’s androgynous and wears Lanvin all the time. I’m never a fan of her red carpet choices.

3. Stavros Niarchos

Sound familiar? Remember Paris Hilton’s Greek shipping heir ex-boyfriend? Well, that’s him. Apparently, he’s still hanging around, looking hot and spending his mountains of money on some pretty tight threads.

See the entire Vanity Fair list here.

Here, a few people (and characters) I’d put on my list:

Rachel Bilson

Rachel Zoe and husband Rodger Berman

Gossip Girls Blair Waldorf and Serena van der Woodsen

Burning Man

2011-08-01T23:09:00.000-04:00

Can someone please explain Burning Man to me? I mean I know it’s an artsy festival in a Nevada desert that’s supposedly all about self-expression. But, I don’t think I’m getting it. My impression has been that it attracts affluent thirty and forty somethings who rent RVs, wear strange costumes or not many clothes at all, and dance with reckless abandon for a week? Am I wrong, can somebody please help me out? And, if my impression is on target, I’m changing my vacation week.

J. Crew Gets Dressed in the Dark

2011-07-31T14:37:00.001-04:00

Oh, I know what I’ll wear today, my bright orange shirt and pink pants! Umm…. what’s going on Jenna? I count on you and J.Crew every month. This is one of your picks? Now, don’t get me wrong this model somehow pulls off pink and orange effortlessly, but for us average sized folk, no, no, no, we cannot pull this off. We will not be wearing pink pants and an orange sweater. Ever. Well, unless we’re getting dressed drunk and in the dark. In the words of Elle Woods, whoever said orange was the new pink was seriously disturbed.

All That Glitters

2011-07-29T14:43:00.001-04:00

And to think, this girl brushes her teeth with a bottle of Jack before she leaves for the day. Ke$ha, is looking pretty fresh in her make-under. The Tik-Tok singer, who also happens to be one of my dad's favorite pop acts (true story), is coming to Boston on August 16th. I think I want to go. Who's coming with me?

Don't Hate the Player, Hate the Game!

2011-07-26T08:30:00.000-04:00

Here we go again. Last week we were chastised for not dressing well and now we’re in the hot seat for our less than friendly demeanor. I’d really rather not give these dumb surveys more attention than they deserve, so instead of defending our not so cheery dispositions, I figured I’d make a city survey of my own. Vote below for my US city unsuperlatives.

Quizzes by Quibblo.com

Sorry about the stereotypes. Don’t hate the player, hate the game!

Stern Sobs as Gaga Sings

2011-07-25T22:26:00.000-04:00

Late last week, Lady Gaga performed live on Howard Stern. Now, I'm not a Sirius subscriber, but one of my best guy friends is and he called me to tell me how this interview made him and Howard get a little teary eyed. Of course, they were simply learning what I've known now for years, Lady Gaga is seriously talented. And just in case you need a reminder of how talented she is, check out the video above. According to news reports, Stern's interview with the unique songstress turned a bevy of haters into Little Monsters.

In Defense of Boston's Latest Ranking

2011-07-18T23:53:00.003-04:00

Have you heard the news? GQ ranked the 40 worst dressed cities in America – and Boston was named #1. The list was developed after analyzing a “deeply scientific poll” read: it’s the opinion of a few writers/editors whose knowledge of Boston comes from such films as The Town, Good Will Hunting and The Departed.

Here, some of GQ’s scathing words:

“Boston is like America's Bad-Taste Storm Sewer: all the worst fashion ideas from across the country flow there, stagnate, and putrefy. To be fair, it's hard to be a fashion capital when half of your population is made up of undergraduate hoodie monsters, including those unfortunate coeds who don't realize that leggings-as-pants were supposed to be paired with tops large enough to conceal their cameltoes. Yet when they graduate, they can wear their Uggs and still fit in at the country's largest frat party on Lansdowne behind Fenway, where they can take breaks between body shots to admire just how long boot-cut jeans can stay in style in one place. And any classy lady from Beantown is bound to be impressed by formal sportswear. "But Boston is the epicenter of prep style!," you say? That's true, but it's with a little extra that ends up ruining everything: Khakis!—with pleats. Boat shoes!—with socks. Knit ties!—actually, no one in Boston seems to have ever seen one of these. For the more proletarian-minded, there are the modest little burgs of Cambridge and Somerville, where everyone dresses like the proprietor of his or her very own meth lab. If you wonder how a people can live like this, well, it's Jurassic Park for fashion troglodytes: life finds a way.”

Alrrrrriiight, take it easy. Before I get to defending our wardrobe, can we talk about the “…country's largest frat party on Lansdowne behind Fenway, where they can take breaks between body shots.” Body shots? What is this MTV Spring Break Cancun 1996? I’ll tell you what happens on Lansdowne – street meat.

Now, I’m not going to pretend or argue that Boston is the best-dressed city. But, in our defense there are a few reasons we might get it wrong sometimes.

1) Four Seasons? – Forget summer, fall, winter and spring, those are just half of our seasons. We have four seasons in-between where getting dressed is a horribly confusing experience. It’s warmish out but the streets are filled with nasty slush and wearing nice pants to work means you will then have nice pants with salt stains, and damp and wrinkled bottoms. How about the Spring windstorm season? Ever wear a flowy skirt and walk around the John Hancock building, impossible.

2) We’re poor - The city is wayyyy overpriced, and easy Manhattanites, we’re not earning those NYC salaries. And, how about that student loan debt? When paying back your 160k education, I’m sure Neiman’s isn’t your weekend destination.

3) Hollywood East - These Boston flicks are confusing everyone. Sure, there are a few rough neighborhoods, but stop it with the stereotypes. Just because Ben Affleck wore a tracksuit in a few flicks doesn’t mean that’s the way it is.

4) Sports Teams – With professional sports teams as good as ours are, chances are a lot of your social activities revolve around going to a game or getting together for one. I mean, come on, you have to support your team.

5) Filene’s Basement – When FB closed their flagship store, they ruined a lot of fashionista’s lunch hours and wardrobes.

6) Smarty Pants – In a town where people are creating innovative technologies and solving the world’s problems during their 9-5, how can fashion be on their mind?

So, hey GQ, just leave us alone, we’re busy, ok?

Checking in - 30 before 30

2011-07-11T22:41:00.001-04:00

Last summer, when I had like 26 readers, I gave you a preview of my 30 before 30 list and at least 14 of you seemed interested. Well, it’s been almost a year, so I figured I’d let you see how I was doing before my life ends (BEGINS! I’m kidding) in four months.

Checked off the list…

#1 Go to Iceland and Swim in the Blue Lagoon

Oh, I went to Iceland all right, and let me tell you, that country hired a genius PR firm. Ever been to Portsmouth, NH? I’d say that’s more of a metropolis than Reykjavik, Iceland. It wasn’t that bad, once I got over the fact that Reykjavik was not a city, I had a pretty good time, and I was able to check the Blue Lagoon off my life list. As I suspected, the Blue Lagoon is a pretty cool place. Though, in retrospective I really wish the Icelandic women who told me I wasn’t allowed in the Blue Lagoon unless I showered nude in front of everyone, would have also told me the reason they were wearing a bathing cap. My hair resembled a bale of hay for the next 3 weeks.

#3 Buy a nice camera, learn how to use it and take some great pictures...

Well, I bought a nice camera, but I think other people took better pictures with it than I did. Thanks Tracy!

# 14 Pester my dad and make him go to San Diego

Paulie D. never wants to take time off of work but he really missed his family in California. Thanks to his three nagging daughters, lovely wife and one really cool nephew, he spent some fun in the sun with his family.

#22 Shop and Eat Paris

I’m not going to lie, I shopped pretty hard, ate some delightful meals and skipped a lot of museums – and guess what, I don’t regret one line I chose not to wait in.

I’ll check in a few months from now, but I’m not going to lie, I highly doubt I’m going to become semi fluent in Italian by then.

Cowboy of Cambridge

2011-07-10T20:44:00.000-04:00

Oh my, look what they made the Duchess of Cambridge wear. Although, this girl would look good in a paper bag, and maybe even inspire me to wear one, she is just far too British and way too chic to be walking around in a freaking cowboy costume/Canadian Tuxedo.

But, when Kate hit L.A. she did it in DVF. I can’t think of a better way to stroll through La-La Land than clad in Diane von Furstenberg. Well maybe clad in DVF with Kate’s bouncy brunette curls, 105-pound frame and a Prince on my arm. Anyway, Kate kills it again.

File Under: Missed Opportunity

2011-07-05T17:26:00.001-04:00

On July 4, 2012, I will be live blogging the Esplanade red carpet style. I will arrive at 8:00 and give a play-by- play of every visor-wearing & map-yielding patriotic person camping out on the river for the day. I vow to find myself a lady liberty costume and wear it from sun up to sun down.

Maybe you went as a child, or you watch it on TV, but really, is there anything better than watching the people during Keith Lockhart’s patriotic sing-a-long? I say this with only a bit of sarcasm – I actually really love these people. These folks are so passionate about America and their trip to Boston that they paint their face red, white and blue and sing with reckless abandon, all while Channel 4 has a camera in their face. They don’t care that the entire nation might be watching them Christina Aguilera their way through the Star Spangled Banner – it’s the freaking fourth of July and they’re celebrating in the birthplace of America.

You see, me and the rest of the city dwellers usually play it cool, far away from the crowds, but close enough to see the fireworks. But, for once in my life, I’ve had it with being too cool for school. I can’t help but envy the crowd of flag waving crooners. So what if they were sunburned and sweaty. So what if they had been engaging in fights over patches of grass and relieving themselves in a hot and smelly port a potty for the past 12 hours. For a few hours, these dedicated patriots mugging for the camera just might be the coolest cats in America.

A Boston Craigslist Glossary: Murphy Beds, Penthouse Pads & Airport Views

2011-06-21T22:21:00.000-04:00

After a decade of searching for and dwelling in dozens of Boston apartments, I consider myself a master of the vocabulary used in Craigslist apartment postings. Below, some of my favorite words, terms and phrases used in postings from Charlestown to Cambridge to Jamaica Plain. Of course, my personal interpretations and definitions of said terms follow.

Penthouse! – Chances are that this place is probably more Flowers in the Attic than Pretty Woman. You certainly won’t be enjoying your penthouse on August 4^th when it’s 104 degrees outside and 125 inside your rooftop apartment that used to be a crawl space.

Garden Level – The only garden here is the one you may look out on through your barred windows. If you don’t like rats, then you probably won’t like this basement apartment. Bring your sump pump!

“NYC Style Loft”- They’re preying on the kid that moved to the city with big dreams and a backpack. Maybe this apt. seeker saw Three Men and a Baby a few too many times when they were little and “NYC Loft” brings them right back to watching Tom Selleck awkwardly change a baby. If this loft came up in your price range (and I’m assuming you can’t afford a real NYC style loft – whatever that means) there’s a good chance it’s in a land far-far away from downtown Boston.

“Artist Loft” – This loft is different from the uptown NYC loft above. The term “Artist Loft” evokes more of a bohemian feel, read: better for a workspace than a living one!

Cozy – Code word for small. Very small.

EIK! –Don’t bother bringing your dining room table! You’ll be enjoying meals on your couch.

South End right near Mass Ave! – Roxbury.

Students Welcome! – This place has to be disgusting. If they’re straight up asking students to live there I can’t even imagine what this Brighton/Allston undergraduate beer den even looks like.

Airport views – More like “airport sounds”. If you can actually see the airport from your apartment, chances are you’re going to be waking up to 747s landing on your head for the next year.

Murphy Bed – What is this Who Framed Roger Rabbit? I thought these beds in the wall were just something in movies, not in Navy Yard apartments going for $24oo a month. Imagine someone pulling that thing out of the wall after a hot date? That thing has got to be a one-night stand deal breaker.

Also, look out for key words and phrases like “charming,” “classic” and “Victorian.” These words may seem innocent enough, but they’re simply masking the cold hard facts – old, never renovated, and did I say old?

Fantasy Moles, Motorcycles & Unicorns

2011-06-17T17:34:00.002-04:00

Imagine a majestic land where unicorns roam free on the highway to love. A place where you wake up at 4:00 in the afternoon, draw a fantasy mole on your face, and dance to heavy metal in your underwear before throwing on a leather jacket, a giant hairbow and getting on with your day. In the words of Liz Lemon, “I want to go to there.”

If you know me, you know I love Lady Gaga. Some may even go so far as to call me a “little monster”. But, this little monster didn’t realize how much she actually loved Gaga until she read the June 9th issue of Rolling Stone. This girl is batshi%$ crazy, and I love it.

RS on Gaga after she wakes up from a nap:

“…Wakes up at four, showers, puts on her hair bow and black bandanna from the “Judas” video; dances to Iron Maiden in her underwear; does her own makeup, slightly messily, including a fake beauty mark she calls a “fantasy mole”; throws a leather vest over a black tank top and skirt, pulls on her high-heeled stripper boots and head out to Newark, NJ, to play one of the final shows of the Monster Ball Tour.”

RS on Gaga’s on again off again boyfriend:

“”Her relationship with Carl – a drummer, bartender and marathoner who has a blog and a book-in- progress about a fitness program he calls the Drunk Diet…”

RS on Gaga’s Born this Way album:

“It's one thing to sing about a motorcycle, and it's another to sing about a unicorn. But when you put your motorcycle song and your unicorn song in the same song? And call it "Highway Unicorn (Road to Love)"? Now that's a pop visionary.”

Read more on my relationship with Lady Gaga in my Ticket Monster blog entry.

It's Gettin’ Real in the Whole Foods Parking Lot

2011-06-14T15:03:00.000-04:00

Genius. Fog and Smog just released this LOL worthy rap video about shopping and finding a parking space for their Prius at Whole Foods. It’s so dead-on you’d think they’ve been with me at the Whole Foods on River Street in Cambridge. You know, the glorious Whole Foods on the second floor, where there’s some secret way of getting your grocery cart to the 2nd to 1st floor that I’m not privy to. Anyway, you need to watch this now. These guys know the deal with those little shopping carts, although I’m fairly certain they’ve never tried to maneuver them at the Inman Square location…

Stand out lyrics…
“Now I'm on this inside, looking at my list
Organic chicken, Kale Salad and a Lemon Twist.
Some girl in yoga pants is lookin at me funny
I'm just trying to find a decent Pinot Noir for under twenty!

This Busters on his iPhone talking to his friends,
Picking up some cayenne pepper for his master cleanse.
You're the most annoying dude I've ever SEEN brah...
Could you PLEASE move? You're RIGHT in front of the Quinoa.

Damn, I'm about to check out.
Pay my 80 bucks for 6 things and get the heck out.
The express lane is moving hella slow...
Man, these fools don't know... that shiz is getting REAL....”

Things not to do in Boston this Summer

2011-06-09T16:02:00.000-04:00

Please, please, please don't wear this shirt.

Especially not at a baseball game, or in public, or if you're over the age of 18. Yes, this is a shirt out of the wildly popular Victoria's Secret MLB Collection. Now, I know many girls/women who are huge Red Sox fans, and I am fully supportive of them wearing something a little more girly to a game. However, did you look closely at the shirt above? Right, it says "Designated Kisser." I was embarrassed even typing those words together. But, if you want to bomb around the bleachers in a shirt that suggests your morals may be toeing the loose line, who am I to stop you?

Your Summer Soundtrack

2011-06-08T17:22:00.000-04:00

Summer is here! It’s time to waste your time getting dressed in a breezy summer work outfit; because lord knows you’ll be bundling up as soon as you get to your icebox of an office. While shivering there in your corporate cell, you’ll gaze out at the rest of the city enjoying the lovely summer day and curse the day you didn’t major in Education. However, whether you’re sitting in your desk chair or beach chair there’s nothing like a summer music playlist. The mix tape of the aughts, a good playlist can lend a sunny soundtrack to your day, your commute, or your dinner party. If you know me, you know I love sharing, apple products and music.

So here it is, my 2011 Summer Playlist:

• AWOLNATION – Sail

• Gold Panda – Snow & Taxis

• Robyn – Call Your Girlfriend

• Black Kids – I’m not going to teach your boyfriend how to dance with you

• The Knocks – Dancing with the DJ

• Lady Gaga – Government Hooker

• DJ Tiesto and Tegan and Sara – Feel it in my bones

• YACHT – Psychic City (voodoo city)

• Little Talks – Of Monsters and Men

• Arcade Fire – The Suburbs

• Kid Cudi – Falling Star (R3k remix)

• Radiohead – Lotus Flower

• The Roots - Right On (Feat. Joanna Newsome, STS)

• Hooray for Earth – True Loves

• Lykke Li – Dance, Dance, Dance

• Phoenix – Rome

• Walking on a Dream – Empire of the Sun

Shake Your Hair Feathers

2011-06-03T11:35:00.000-04:00

Miley’s done it. Steven Tyler has them. It’s time to trick out your tresses ladies, feather extensions have made it to the East coast, and they’re all the rage. Though, here in the Bean, no one had really caught on to the trend, until two on-trend happening gals living in Allston Rock City and Brighton pulled us into the feathered fashion scene.

Bostonistas Janelle and Kaylee first got feather extensions after attending a music festival in Arkansas. The attention the feathered friends garnered with their new locks was extraordinary, and well, the rest is hairstory. The gumptious gals founded KayJee Feather Designs in late 2010 and business is booming. Visit www.wix.com/KayJee/feathers to make an appointment to add some feather’s to your fringe. Both of my sister’s have them and they’re addicted.

Look for Janelle & Kayla at music festivals and craft fairs around Beantown this summer. Also, you can pick up some of their feathered products, including feathered earrings at Cavity.Lab in East Boston. In fact, the ladies will be on site at Cavity.Lab tomorrow June 4th, providing feather hair extensions/accessories. Bring your pet and 50% of proceeds will be donated to the Animal Rescue League of Boston!

If you’re outside of Boston, I hear the folks at Naz Kupelian Salon in Lexington have also added the rockin’ feather extensions to the offerings at their chic salon. Visit www.nazkupeliansalon.com to find out more.

Those Three Boxes…

2011-05-30T23:03:00.002-04:00

We all have them, cardboard boxes filled with stuff we never look at, but certainly wouldn’t throw away! Yet, we’ve been taking them with us year after year.

If you’re anything like myself, from age 18 on, you moved about once a year. Each September you (or your complaining dad) dragged your pathetic belongings from one crappy apartment to the next. Each moving day, my suburban dad would threaten this would be the last time he’d be schlepping into the city to help. After a harrowing few hours of dragging bureaus up six flights of stairs, he and your city guy friends that you bribed with a six-pack would leave. There you’d be, sweating in the 90-degree heat surrounded by a heap of cardboard boxes wondering what the hell was even in half of them.

After you put your clothes away and made a trip to Ikea to buy weird teakettles and shelves with lots of consonants in their names, you’d forget about these boxes. You’d stack them in a corner, not to notice them again until your 3 month sublet was up and soon it was off to the next apartment.

For myself and a few of my friends I consulted, this routine continued year after year until 8 years later we finally decided to discover what was inside.

Here, our “precious” possessions revealed:

Journals – How embarrassing. When you see the word journal does it make you forget about these boxes and wonder what you may have left behind at your parent’s house? You know, the ones that may contain a journal or two filled with your high school feelings and dreams. Dear lord. Must find those boxes and burn them.
Loofahs – I think I used a loofah back in 1999, back when I wasn’t late for work everyday. I’d take sudsy long showers with Bath and Bodyworks shower gel and loofahs. But, while those showers are just distant memories the loofahs and bath mitts keep coming. They’re gifted to me in Yankee swaps, Christmas stockings and gifts from people that have no idea what to get me.
Interview folders - You know what I’m talking about, those leather folders you break out once a year when you garner up the courage to actually leave your job. You mill around the lobby of some weird building, holding the cheap leather folder tight, you shake a few hands, answer a few absurd questions only to receive a “thank you but no thank you” email two weeks later.
Concert tickets – Who would ever want to forget River Rave 1995? Or what about Pearl Jam 1999? Seriously, these ticket stubs are definitely worth saving in a box until you’re married and on your 17^th apartment.
Samples & Swag – Butane lighters you got at Clery’s when you were 21, and lots of free shampoo! If there is ever some sort of state of emergency and we aren’t allowed to leave our homes, I know my hair will be clean. There may not be food in the fridge but anyone in my house will be doing facemasks and hair conditioning treatments thanks to my Sephora online purchases.
Old cell phones – I had the best intentions. I wanted to donate them to Cell Phones for Soldiers or some other non-profit organization that had a need for my crappy wireless telephones, but it never happened. So, if anyone is interested in a box of Zac Morris cellphones, I’m your girl.

The boxes are also filled with scented talcum powder, CD cases and remnants of bright idea craft projects. What one does with talcum powder is beyond me. But, as I part with the contents of my crates, I hope years from now when my kids are cleaning out my attic, that they don’t judge me on the crap I’ve been saving for years.

You know you’ve been in Boston too long when…

2011-05-25T17:18:00.000-04:00

Maybe you went to school in Boston, or maybe, like myself, you moved here right after you graduated. For those of us that moved to Beantown as young adults, there comes a time when you realize, huh, maybe this isn't just a place that I'm living in temporarily. Maybe you started losing more and more of your "city friends" to the suburbs, but the thoughts of getting on a commuter rail still make you nauseous. I've compiled a few ways to determine if you are in fact this "New Bostonian" - no, you're not from here, but after a decade you still don't want to leave.

I started compiling some of my own observations on my time in the city, and after talking with friends, I realized we shared many of the same sentiments.

Here, our list of a few ways to gauge how "New Bostonian" you are:

You’ve had a legal drink at The Blue Cat Café, Match and 94 Mass Ave
You hate Nantucket
You know fads like cupcake shops, healthy frozen yogurt and “healthy” burger joints are never going to last here
You did your time in Allston Rock City or Brighton and lived to tell the story
You partied at Pravda and Aria
The term “Spare Change” means more to you than a few extra coins in your pocket
You have a “T” story that will beat mine
You’ve had a friend talk you into doing some sort of 5k or 10k, you barely trained and it was just as bad as you thought it would be
You've learned that Jamaica Plain is a faraway land that people say is super hip but never really go to
You’ve embarrassed yourself at Harpoonfest – multiple times
You know that the Freedom Trail gets dangerously slippery when it snows
You’ve cried while trying to find a resident parking spot in the North End or Back Bay
You’ve been quacked at more than five times on your lunch break
You’ve gone to parties and bars to celebrate it happening, but you’ve never actually seen the Southie St. Patrick’s Day parade in person
Red Sox games are things you go to when you get free tickets or when people come in from out of town

I know you have more, please share in the comments below.

Debt in the City

2011-05-17T20:08:00.000-04:00

It took 7 years to do the math, but someone finally figured it out. If Carrie Bradshaw was a real living human and not a character on an HBO show that ended in 2004 (and yes, we’re still talking about it) she would be $3,000,000,000,000 in debt. I’m no math genius, but I’d say there’s no getting out from under that.

To find out more about this fictitious fashion debt situation visit the-frenemy.com (best blog name ever).

Seeking Sophisticated Street Meat

2011-05-13T16:12:00.003-04:00

I ate street meat today, and it wasn’t 2:16 a.m. Recently, a few of those gourmet food trucks that people were really into about 2 years ago finally rolled their way into Boston, and most recently City Hall Plaza. For you 9-5ing Bostonians, news of this rolling restaurant probably makes your stomach grumble. With the tragic lunch options available to all of us in the Financial District/Downtown X-ing/Gov’t Center areas, we don’t care where it comes from, we have 15 minutes to get it and please make it taste good.

Lunch Lowdown

A new place will open up and my co-workers and I will eat there so often that the mere smell of their cuisine makes our stomach turn. A few examples of lunch joints that are no longer options because of the smell of their food:

• Boloco – This place is not Chipotle.

• Cosi – I’ve had enough of the free bread scrap bowl.

Then there is the long list of places that eventually learned my name and wanted to get to know me better – some would say they considered me a “regular”. I haven’t returned to any of these. I also have a place that insists on calling me “Rihanna” and begging me to sing “Umbrella” every time I’m waiting for my gosh darn salad. There’s also a Mexican joint in an alley that gives away free hard candy that I can only stomach once a month, and the guy that works the kebab cart on Washington Street that really likes my red winter jacket. Oh, and I can’t forget about the really nice guy that calls mayonnaise “juice” and even when I asked for “no juice” he is determined to put it on my sandwich.

I love the new spots that open up in the same locations where the last “great idea” failed. How many “healthy burger” places can 10 blocks handle? Should $11 salads really be served in Chinese to-go containers? I mean really people.

I think wistfully of a time long-ago when I would shop on my lunch hour, or sit at a table that didn’t have my computer on it. Those days are over kids. Glorious lunch hours like that come with job descriptions with the words “entry-level in it.

So today, like every day, I joined the rest of the workforce on the hunt for a midday meal. The crowd milling about the food truck parking lot was hopeful. Wishing for a winner, hoping they could come back again on Monday. Was this driving dive an end to our lunch misadventures? Well, we gave it a shot. I really wanted something from the Clover Food Lab truck but their big sandwich today was the Soy BLT and a BLT without a pork product is a complete waste of calories. So instead, I got myself a Mango salad with chicken off one of the Asian trucks – it was only $5! Let’s just hope these trucks roll out of town before the scent of their foodie fumes makes me nauseous.

And no, I will never bring lunch. Are you crazy?

Girl Crush: Sloane Crosley

2011-05-06T15:51:00.001-04:00

This girl is funny. Once upon a time, Sloane Crosley had one of those publishing jobs that every chick in a New York based romantic comedy always seems to have. And like in all jobs and offices, you email your friends. A lot. Well, the story on Sloane (according to the internets) is that a friend of hers at the Village Voice LOL’ed so hard at one of her emails that he suggested she publish it. A few years later Crosley has authored two collections of essays - I Was Told There'd Be Cake and How Did You Get This Number. She writes about unicorns, ponies, the Oregon Trail, dating, moving, weddings, quitting your job, her weird parents, summer camp and of course the rat race.

On kids avoiding tele-marketers, etc.:
"Kids across the country have grown up accepting the idea that no one can harm your family if at least one of its adult members is in the shower. No one knows why."
— Sloane Crosley (I Was Told There'd Be Cake)

On the birds and the bees:
"I never asked my mother where babies came from but I remember clearly the day she volunteered the information...my mother called me to set the table for dinner. She sat me down in the kitchen, and under the classic caveat of 'loving each other very, very much,' explained that when a man and a woman hug tightly, the man plants a seed in the woman. The seed grows into a baby. Then she sent me to the pantry to get placemats. As a direct result of this conversation, I wouldn't hug my father for two months."

— Sloane Crosley (I Was Told There'd Be Cake)

Crosley also started one of my favorite blogs – Sad Stuff on the Street. People send her pictures of sad things on the street and she says funny things about them and posts them on the internet. Umm…genius?

Oh, and her first book is being developed into a TV show by HBO. Hmmm…maybe there really is a market for a book chronicling my paper route, bad haircuts, wacky parents, weird first jobs (I went to lunch every day with a guy that was OBSESSED with selling cutco knives in his spare time) and various strange things that have happened on public transportation. Do stay tuned.

Elephant in the Room

2011-05-02T16:34:00.002-04:00

Did you look closely at the Royal wedding party? Do I have to say this aloud? Look, I was a weird looking kid (who turned out fine), and believe me; no one was putting me in their wedding party – nevermind a ROYAL WEDDING. I know, I know, I’m going to give birth to troll children and burn in hell. But, whatever, you were thinking it too...

RHONY's Simon van Kempen Drops Single

2011-04-21T16:49:00.001-04:00

Are you sitting down? Look who just dropped a new single! It's none other than Real Househusband of NYC Simon van Kempen. Why? Why do they do this? Just because you're capable of opening your mouth and forming words while music plays in the background of your Brooklyn basement does not mean you should be dropping a single.

The name of the single is...wait for it..

"I am Real"

A more aptly named title might be "Is this for Real" but hey, whatever blows your hair back. Any publicity is good publicity I guess?

Sad Songs

2011-04-18T16:42:00.000-04:00

Finally, a real soundtrack to slit your wrists to! I saw this on sale at Heathrow Airport and thought it was amazing. Why hadn't anyone thought of this before? Do you know how many times I've wished I had a playlist labeled "feel bad for yourself tunes" that I could throw on? Multiple. It's the perfect mix to put on after a break-up, a fight, a bad day at work or just another event in my constant quarter life crisis.
I've listed a few of the songs below, all are amazing. Especially Sinead O'Connor. And, don't you worry this is only Volume 1! There are many other sad songs to sulk to in the future.

1. Eva Cassidy - Over The Rainbow

2. Norah Jones - Don't Know Why

3. Dionne Warwick - Walk On By

4. LeAnn Rimes - How Do I Live

5. Dolly Parton - I Will Always Love You

6. Don McLean - Vincent

7. Janis Ian - At 17

8. Bill Withers - Ain't No Sunshine

9. Willie Nelson - Always On My Mind

10. Chicago - If You Leave Me Now

11. Air Supply - All Out Of Love

12. Mike And The Mechanics - The Living Years

13. Sinéad O'Connor - Nothing Compares 2U

14. Phil Collins - I Wish It Would Rain Down

15. Breathe - Hands To Heaven

16. Blue - Breathe Easy

17. Maxi Priest - Fields

18. Roy Orbison - Crying

19. George Michael - Jesus To A Child